Dictated to a Palm Treo via a Bluetooth™ headset device:
You could say this letter is a few years overdue. Sometimes life happens so fast you don't know what's what until the dust settles. And you've always been busy with your stuff too, so I guess you know exactly what I'm talking about. Well, I hope you understand.
Dad, I sometimes get the feeling like you and Mom never really wanted me. I know, you love me and all, but I don't know if you ever really liked me. Is this about you and Jack? Yeah, it is! Growing up, all I ever heard about was "Jack blew up this bad guy, Jack saved us from that disaster," etc. You always talked about Jack like you were proud of him. With me it was "Graem, you're 13 years old, why are you going bald?" Or "Graem, why can't you meet hot, easy women like your brother Jack?" Well, it wasn't easy, Dad. When Jack ran off to become a superhero, I was the one the one who stayed behind to run the family business with you. Not once did you give me a little recognition, not even after I made President Logan my personal manservant a couple of years ago. I would tell Logan the exact words to say on the phone and they'd come right out of his mouth on T.V. Remember I even had the President call you and sing "Happy Birthday"? All I wanted to hear from you was "Graem, I'm SO proud of you, controlling the President like a puppet!" THAT'S ALL I EVER WANTED FROM YOU!
And to think, Jack has been out of the picture for 9 years now and it's like he's still here, taunting me behind your back. Come on, Dad, you named the fucking pig after him! And now, the pig is laughing at me! Well, that pig is on the next slow-boat to China. Do you know what they do to pigs out there?
I bet you're laughing at this letter. You're probably thinking "Wow, my son Graem is a real pansy-ass." Well, I don't know what else I have to do to prove that I'm a man, but whatever it takes, whoever I gotta kill (including you!), just know that before the day is done, you're going to be proud of me.
Oh, I almost forgot, Marilyn is cooking a brisket tonight. I'll see you at the house at 6pm.