Monday, January 29, 2007

An Open Letter From Graem Bauer to His Father, Phillip

Dictated to a Palm Treo via a Bluetooth headset device:

Hi Dad,

You could say this letter is a few years overdue. Sometimes life happens so fast you don't know what's what until the dust settles. And you've always been busy with your stuff too, so I guess you know exactly what I'm talking about. Well, I hope you understand.

Dad, I sometimes get the feeling like you and Mom never really wanted me. I know, you love me and all, but I don't know if you ever really liked me. Is this about you and Jack? Yeah, it is! Growing up, all I ever heard about was "Jack blew up this bad guy, Jack saved us from that disaster," etc. You always talked about Jack like you were proud of him. With me it was "Graem, you're 13 years old, why are you going bald?" Or "Graem, why can't you meet hot, easy women like your brother Jack?" Well, it wasn't easy, Dad. When Jack ran off to become a superhero, I was the one the one who stayed behind to run the family business with you. Not once did you give me a little recognition, not even after I made President Logan my personal manservant a couple of years ago. I would tell Logan the exact words to say on the phone and they'd come right out of his mouth on T.V. Remember I even had the President call you and sing "Happy Birthday"? All I wanted to hear from you was "Graem, I'm SO proud of you, controlling the President like a puppet!" THAT'S ALL I EVER WANTED FROM YOU!

And to think, Jack has been out of the picture for 9 years now and it's like he's still here, taunting me behind your back. Come on, Dad, you named the fucking pig after him! And now, the pig is laughing at me! Well, that pig is on the next slow-boat to China. Do you know what they do to pigs out there?

I bet you're laughing at this letter. You're probably thinking "Wow, my son Graem is a real pansy-ass." Well, I don't know what else I have to do to prove that I'm a man, but whatever it takes, whoever I gotta kill (including you!), just know that before the day is done, you're going to be proud of me.

Oh, I almost forgot, Marilyn is cooking a brisket tonight. I'll see you at the house at 6pm.

Love,

Graem

7 comments:

Lou said...

I was chuckling for the whole post, but when you dropped the brisket line I lost it. Nice!

I hear brisket is a dish best served warm. I don't think Jack eats dishes served warm...

Haley said...

I was wondering whether you'd speak from the biggest "sack" yet on the show...and BINGO!

Rickey Henderson said...

I just discovered that the actor playing Graem (Paul McCrane) was also another Robocop alum to appear on 24. He was the bad guy who died in the end by getting toxic waste spilled all over him, becoming mutated, and then being run over and splattered by a car. This new knowledge just made my night.

Adam said...

Ah Robocop! For years, a friend of mine in high school quoted the same line from that movie:

"What are you a COLLEGE BOY?"

I should have realized his constant use of that quote was the sign of an addictive personality. He's now a compulsive gambler. Seriously.

Spencer said...

Wow, the fans of 24 HAVE to be fucking fans of Robocop.

Hysterical post, Adam. I can't help but feel slightly sympahtetic to Graem. For all we know, this was really how he felt. If the writers really wanted to take advantage of the fact that Jack had a bad-guy brother, they could've tried this whole "jealousy" thing, but perhaps the fans would've hated it and called him "whiny".

I don't believe that the writers put Graem in just for the sake of another "twist". I think they were trying to do something personal, but the problem was that they were playing it too safe.

P.S. Dawn Summers is hot.

Audrey Mbugua said...

Graem and Logan are the most dangerous thugs in 24 series. Graem functions like a submarine - wrecking havoc, unseen. Logan is underestimated - and with serious consequences.

Audrey Mbugua said...

Graem and Logan are the most dangerous thugs in 24 series. Graem functions like a submarine - wrecking havoc, unseen. Logan is underestimated - and with serious consequences.

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