Thursday, April 12, 2007

I am Jack's unleashed anger

Remember those old 8mm movies from junior high in health class-- "I am Jack's heart", "I am Jack's liver", etc.? The movies were simple, straightforward "inside" views into some poor butter-addicted, chain-smoking, alcoholic guy who had every health ailment known to the common middle-aged man. Here at The Jack Sack, we're taking an in-depth view of what Jack Bauer's feeling up until right now. His internal monologue is... disturbing. CAUTION: Keep small children and any petite-sized house pets away from what is about to follow:

"'We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow subma-' woah, is that Curtis? Dude owes me ten bucks, I gotta remember to bring that up later on."

"You try going 18 months without White Castle, fella. Sorry I ate your carotid artery."

"I lost my condo, my daughter, my wife, my friends Tony, Michelle and David. And to top it off, you stole my Linkin Logs when we were kids, Graem."

"Chuck, right about now, you're as popular as Don Imus on 125th Street. And you're wearing the same clothes too. Oddly, I have no anger towards you at this moment... but that will change."

"I killed Curtis, my dad killed my brother, my sister-in-law is still hot and wants me, I'm wearing a finely tailored suit from a crooked former president, I'm bleeding internally and now, NOW THEY TELL ME AUDREY IS DEAD? (deep breath) 'We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow-' DAMMMMMMIT!!!!!!!"

AND NOW THAT THE SEASON IS ABOUT TO START FOR REAL...

"My name is Jack Bauer. I am a federal agent. I am going to kill every last single one of you bastards. And then I'm going out for sliders with my girlfriend, Audrey. Copy that, a@#holes?"

8 comments:

Dave said...

mmm...sliders...are we talking about Sabrina Lloyd or Pizzeria Uno?

Haley said...

Well, someone's been watching Fight Club. :)

I am Jack's smirking revenge...I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection...

The final plot twist...Audrey was kidnapped by the Chinese branch of Project Mayhem.

Adam said...

Don't hate, Haley, just debate.

-Jack's Defensive Inner-Child

Haley said...

Give up hate?? But it's the only thing that gets me through the day...
my own inner child will be so unfocused without it.

But seriously, don't you want Meatloaf to make a guest appearance?

Adam said...

You're asking to be banned for life.

Haley said...

Ban me and the lovin' stops, mister. So do the meatballs and coke zero. Proceed with caution, sweetpea.

Adam said...

I think I was just sexually harassed on my own blog. Heh, imagine that shit.

Haley said...

Please...with that font you were using...you were asking for it.

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