Monday, March 05, 2007

THE REAL WORLD: CTU

"This is the true story, of seven strangers, picked to work at the Central Terrorist Unit, fight terrorism together and have their lives taped, to find out what happens, when federal law enforcement employees stop being polite, and start getting real. THE REAL WORLD: CTU- Los Angeles!"

BUCHANAN: Chloe, I don't want you to alert the others, but apparently somebody here has eaten the rest my peanut butter.

CHLOE: You mean there's a traitor inside CTU?

BUCHANAN: Affirmative. You're the only person I can trust- I need you to go through the old confessional booth records and find out if anyone has admitted their guilt.

CHLOE: Mr. Buchanan, those records are above even your security clearance.

BUCHANAN: Chloe, I don't have time for your personality disorder. I gave you a direct order- access the confessional booth records and tell me what you find.

CHLOE: Okay! (rolls her eyes)

Meanwhile, in the CTU hot tub...

MORRIS: So, who do you think is the mole this season?

MILO: Dude, what are you talking about?

MORRIS: Haven't you ever seen this show? Every year the producers like to put a mole into THE REAL WORLD: CTU. They're usually some whacko fundamentalist or something like that. Say, did you happen to see if they stocked the fridge with beer?

MILO: No, man. Maybe you should worry about finding terrorists more than your next drink.

MORRIS: I don't have a bloody drinking problem!

MILO: Whatever, dude. Hey, have you seen that new chick, Nadia? More like "Hottie-A!"

MORRIS: Christ, you wonder why I need a drink working with you...

Back in Buchanan's office/skater half-tube, Chloe enters and her face is grim. Bill gets off his skateboard.

BUCHANAN: What have you got?

CHLOE: It's not good. I have video proof that Nadia was the one that ate your peanut butter. She admits it on a confessional tape. Did you know she's also a Muslim Republican?

BUCHANAN: How could I be so careless... the hot ones are always the mole. (Buchanan removes his skater helmet) Okay, here's what we do. Find Jack and have him come back here to do the interrogation.

CHLOE: What about Rick Burke?

BUCHANAN: Burke's too unstable. We found a hair-doll in his locker with Nadia's face pasted on it. DNA results confirm that the hair used was from Nadia, probably collected from the women's shower.

Chloe visibly shivers.

BUCHANAN: For your own good, I'd keep from looking at Burke's confessional videos. Now hurry and get Jack back to CTU.

Chloe exits.

Meanwhile, on the road Jack is driving through Southern California. His cell phone rings.

JACK: Bauer.

CHLOE: Jack, it's Chloe. Buchanan needs you to return to CTU. We have to interrogate a suspect... Jack, it looks like we have a mole.

JACK: Copy that. What's the damage assessment?

CHLOE: Buchanan's peanut butter jar has been compromised.

JACK: Dammit, we can't keep losing resources like that! Who's the suspect?

CHLOE: Nadia Yasser. I have video of her admitting to taking the peanut butter from a confessional booth recording.

JACK: Was it creamy or chunky, Chloe?

CHLOE: I don't know, I have to check.

JACK: I'm on my way into CTU right now.

CHLOE: Okay, Jack. Hurry!

Back at CTU, Nadia is already in the interrogation room. Rick Burke walks by and notices.

BURKE: Bingo! I got to get my kit!

Jack walks into CTU. Chloe jumps up from her desk to meet him.

JACK: Is everything set up?

CHLOE: Jack, we have a problem. I ran the video through a filter- it's a fake.

JACK: What?

CHLOE: Somebody forged the video to make it look like Nadia ate Buchanan's peanut butter.

Buchanan skates over to Jack and Chloe.

BUCHANAN: What's going on?

JACK: Sweet board, Bill.

BUCHANAN: Thanks, dude. So, what's wrong?

JACK: Somebody has set up Nadia. The confessional tape was a forgery. Where is she?

BUCHANAN: In interrogation room #2. Let's go.

In interrogation room #2, Burke has already started his interrogation. Nadia is strapped down to a chair.

BURKE: Do you love me, Nadia?

NADIA: What the hell am I doing in here?

BURKE: I ask the questions, baby. Do you like veal scallopini? Kenny G? Are you a Libra?

Jack enters with Chloe and Buchanan.

JACK: Burke! Drop the needle!

BURKE: Nuts to that!

JACK: We will vote you out of the house, I swear to you!

BURKE: She's mine, Jack. Little, sweet Nadia, you're all mine.

JACK: Burke, we know the video is a fake. You set this up to get Nadia in your chair. That is so not cool!

BURKE: It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing can separate us.

Milo and Morris enter in their speedos.

JACK: Okay, I warned you, Burke. House vote! Who wants Burke to leave CTU?

They all raise their hands, Nadia just nods her head.

BURKE: Whatever, dudes. This house is lame anyway, I'm outtie.

Burke leaves.

NADIA: Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on here?

JACK: Nadia, my name is Jack Bauer, I'm a federal ag-

NADIA: I know who you are, Jack! You don't have to keep saying that line!

JACK: Okay, well stop being such a bitch! Bill, I'm going back out into the field.

BUCHANAN: If you say so. Now, can somebody tell me where's my f&@%ing peanut butter?

DINK-DANK-DINK-DANK-DINK!

3 comments:

2266 said...

So, was it creamy, or chunky?

Adam said...

Buchanan strikes me as a "chunky" guy. But then again, the dude is so smooth...

Adam said...

Lou,

If you get a chance to read this, I wrote this post before I read your blog mentioning the SAME FREAKIN' IDEA to portray "24" through THE REAL WORLD. The cool part is that we're channeling the same comedic muse. The sad part is... well repeat the second half of the preceding sentence! Cheers, brother.

(P.S. I tried posting this comment to your blog but the word verification was acting up- I hope you get a chance to read this.)

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