Wednesday, March 07, 2007

The Logan Bris: A "24" Picture Book!

We're back with a brand-new picture book for you to share with the family: this week's story is called "The Logan Bris." The recently religious Charles Logan has decided that to make amends with God for his past sins, he needs to fulfill the ancient Jewish rite of circumcision. This story picks up right after our first picture book adventure, "Jack Needs a Suit!" Jack is about to leave to see his son's piano recital, when Logan asks Jack to accompany him to meet with the Rabbi who will perform his bris. Obviously, hijinks ensue. Enjoy!

"Okay Chuck, what do I owe you for the suit?"
"Jack, do you know what a bris is?"

"Yeah, the Chinese have a pretty zany version of it, I found out. It's where they cut a penis. Hurry up, I gotta meet Marilyn before the recital tonight."

"Well, I need to meet the mohel this afternoon because I'm going to have the service done to me. I want to show the world that I am truly devoted to God now. So, in exchange for that wonderful suit I made for you, I'd like it if you were there with me during the procedure."

"How about we get you an ice cream cone instead?"

"Jack, I want you to be there with me when the Rabbi cuts me."

"Well, it sure beats sitting through a piano recital."
"Mazel tov, Jack!"
"Yeah, yeah, get in the car, Tevia."

"You know, I really appreciate this. I think this experience will bring us closer together. I should explain to you exactly what happens at a bris. The mohel is the person who cuts the-"
"Chuck, I will throat-punch you if you finish that sentence."

"Bill, it's Jack. Thanks for the tip on the suit. Now, I have to go with Logan so he can get his wee-wee cut down by a Rabbi."
"He's a genius tailor, Jack. We have to look past his eccentricities at times."
"Phew, copy THAT, Bill."
"Well, I gotta call the Vice President about this, he's gonna laugh his ass off."

"Mr. Vice President, Bill Buchanan is on the line, he's laughing about something."

"Bill, the President is on life-support, a nuke has killed thousands in California, what the heck can be so damned funny?!"

"Charles Logan is getting an adult circumcision."
"Shit, that is pretty funny. Okay, now go back to finding those nukes, ya silly bastard."

At the synagogue...

"Shalom, Rabbi!"
"Shalom, Charles!"

"So, how do you want it, a little off the top, eh? Ah, it's mohel humor, don't get nervous!"

"Those are some nice Russian flags you got there Rabbi. Obviously a rabbi in California wouldn't normally have Russian flags in his office, but let's not pay them any mind."

"Exactly! Come here, let me mess with your head by dramatically demonstrating the procedure with this cigar."

"Rabbi, I'd like it if Jack was the mohel for my bris. I feel I... owe it to him. You could show him how its done."

"For the sake of comedy, I agree to this terrible idea! I got one better for you, Charles- Jack can practice on me, as I am already cut!"

"Jack are you in?"

"Oh hell yeah, this definitely makes up for China."

"Alright, Rabbi, here we go!"

"No, I'm already cut, Jack. You don't take off the whole- AHHHH!"

"Jack, you goyim are crazy. You were right, Rabbi- Jack definitely needs more practice. We'll come back next week."

Moments later, outside...

"I'm sorry I messed up in there. I'm not Jewish, I thought you guys cut off the whole thing."
"It's okay, Jack. Let's get that ice cream you mentioned earlier. I'm buying,"


The Jack Sack said...

I just can't bear to see zero comments anymore, so I'm breaking the seal...


Anonymous said...

oy gevalt

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