I know you don't trust me. I don't expect you to after the things I did two years ago. But riding around with you in the limo got me thinking... we're not too different, you and I. Heck, we even wear the same sized suits! Okay, no jokes, I'm sorry. Seriously, Jack, I know what it's like to not be free- to have your every move limited by a perimeter fence and guards. Just last month, I had the oddest craving for a banana-split from Baskin Robbins and the guards refused to get one for me. Jack, that sort of isolation makes you hear your inner voice... the one that says "I really did want a banana split!" That's a pain I don't need to explain to you. You've gone 20 months without any ice cream, I imagine... or clean water.
You know, through all of this I found God, Jack. I found Him like so many lost souls- in search of salvation. I've done terrible things in my life, things that I do not expect anyone to forgive me for doing. But reading the Good Book has taught me that salvation can be had as long as you own a Bible and have a lot of free time to read it. You know, I didn't even have cable up in my ranch- the federal government refused to pay for it. They seized all my funds, otherwise I would have splurged on just the most basic cable package. No ice cream and no bass fishing on ESPN2... that's how I started thinking about God and His message. You know what I learned? We're all sinners, Jack. Each and every one of us has lost his way. From the man who steals an apple because he hasn't eaten in three weeks to the President who lines up a series of assassinations and terrorist attacks to further Caspian Oil Interests... we're all imperfect creatures.
I know you feel the same way, I can see it on your face. When you were in China, you must have kept asking yourself "What did I do to get myself in this place? What's wrong with me?" Heck, you may have even pointed an acid-burned finger at me for your being in China. I know, Jack. At first, I blamed others for my misery too. But don't you see, you're a sinner, just like the rest of us. Come over to the ranch, Jack. I would like to read the Bible with you- to start healing your soul as well. And you know what would also help that healing process? If you brought a few gallons of Rocky Road with you. God forgives a generous soul.
(P.S. Bringing along some Butterscotch syrup would gain you favor in God's eyes as well. Bless you, Jack.)