BREAKING NEWS: Jon Stewart Is Overrated!

Greetings one and all to The Jack Sack Post-Oscar Post (ehh, too many posts in that sentence?)

Anyway, I won't bore you all with the usual comments about the winners, losers, dresses or musical numbers. Why, you ask? Because you're here at THE JACK SACK! We deal in blood, anger and sarcasm. So, with that being said, let me unleash upon you my manifesto of why Jon Stewart is overrated as a comic/entertainer/intellect.

I don't know when the heck this took place, but at some point over the past several years, women of a undefineable demographic all went collectively insane and started to think that the mediocre comic talent that is Jon Stewart was some sort of genius. And I do point out women in this rant because it is you, you lovely, fascinating and otherwise brilliant creatures that brought this scourge of Jon Stewart upon our world. He is not a complete bum, I'll grant you that, but I can honestly say that the guy is not as smart, handsome and ideal a father to your children as you probably think.

Jon Stewart squeezes a laugh out of you and you probably don't even know it. Think about it-- ever notice how he does the googley-eyes to the camera to ellicit laughter? Or how about when Stewart throws in a cutesy high-pitched voice to ressurect a joke after it bombs? And have you noticed how he resorts to self-deprecating remarks continuously throughout his routine? This is the comic equivalent of urinating on yourself so you don't get booed. Do you think Don Rickles would ever act like this? And so many of you fall for it! I'm waiting for Stewart to come out in a Hugo Chavez red shirt and declare his own nation-state in his studio one of these days. I wouldn't doubt a lot of you women would rush to be a willing subject in his court. Oh, don't roll your eyes at me-- you're thinking about it!

And that brings me to last night's Oscars. Jon Stewart was the host of the ceremony and I have to admit he really sucked more than usual in my opinion. His joke about Dennis Hopper being on drugs was stale. His joke about Jack Nicholson possibly impregnating actresses during the show was also blunt and uninspired. And his political humor was amateurish, which is really a sign of his weakness last night because that is his usual bread-and-butter material. No, ladies and gentlemen, Jon Stewart sucked.

See, my theory on Stewart's popularity (aside from his aforementioned mojo with the females) is that he followed in the footsteps of the most assinine personality imagineable: Craig Kilborn. Now, I appreciate this guy because he was an unapologetic frat-boy. He was a complete and total jerk and he went into realms of absurdity that were truly funny. Is Kilborn funnier than Stewart (independent of their respective writing staffs)? Probably not. But Kilborn never kissed your toes to make you laugh. No, he went up there and if he bombed, he took it like a man. Stewart, you are no man.

Jack Bauer Has Hobbies!

We may not have fresh episodes of "24" coming anytime soon, but Jack Bauer is managing to keep busy with a few pet projects. In case you missed it, here are some Bauer highlights from this week:

1. Jack Bauer Decides Fidel Castro Is Done. Why did the Bay of Pigs invasion fail? Because Jack Bauer was split genetically between his father's seed and his mother's egg at the time (Bauer was born in 1966 according to his Apostles). Ridding the world of Castro's rule has always been on Jack's list of things to do, but a few things popped up along the way (the terrorists, the dead wife, more terrorists, some nukes, some nerve gas, a treacherous President, some dead Presidents, etc). Anyway, the show's hiatus let Bauer do a little Spring cleaning down in the "Holiday Isle of the Tropics." Details are sketchy, but we all know the results-- Castro has been retired. ¡Viva Jack Bauer!

2. Jack Bauer Destroys Mysterious Spy Satellite Carrying The Plague Of The Apocalypse. In case you're still hiding under your desk, we've got good news to report-- Jack Bauer has destroyed the spy satellite that was set to crash into your home in a few days. Bauer heard of the U.S. Navy's plan to send a computer-guided rocket to take out the errant satellite and insisted on doing his part. He personally guided the missile to its intended target in outer space. The Defense Department released an official photo of the mission. Thanks to Jack Bauer, we have been spared exposure to the so-called "toxic fuel" that was set to rain on us all.

3. Jack Bauer Is Annoyed By The Moon. So, while on his way into orbit to destroy the satellite, Bauer realized he forgot his signature aviator sunglasses. DAMMIT! Annoyed by the bitchin' glare he was catching off of the Moon, Jack decided to move the damned thing... behind the Earth.. out of the sunlight. If you doubt me, check your timelines. The "eclipse" happened at 10:30PM EST. The satellite was destroyed when? Shortly after 10:30PM EST. Don't worry, he put the Moon back where he found it after he was done. After all, the man does like to surf.

Unfotunately, he still has no control over Kim. Stay tuned for more updates on Jack Bauer's new hobbies.

h/t to Haley for instrumental involvement in this article.

Uzbekistan LOVES America! Still!

Greetings America!

We are your friends, we hope you never forget this. We are fierce warriors too! As boys, we are led to large open spaces where we match strength with Yeti cubs. It is, how you say, elementary school game in Uzbekistan! Then yesterday we receive short-wave transmission that Agent Jack Bower will not be back to defend your country until January, 2009! This is serious problem! If you need help, send the word. We have free time now! Rebels are less of problem this year-- we took away their rocks and gasoline. Now, they hide in trees and are being eaten by our native blood monkeys. Oh, what a glorious sight!

We also worry that King Bush is going to be overthrown! How can this be possible? Bush is a cunning war-monger. Very intelligent. One of my wives show me our latest Time magazine confirming this! It is dated October, 2001. Now a woman, and old man and some skinny guy named "CHANGE" want to make new nest of love in your Whitest House! I think Bush will defeat them. He drives large truck with no seatbelt. He defies even your smallest laws!

The other day, my cousin Hamza shows me booty-copy of news footage showing monster attacking your Newest York City. I am confused by this. I thought America defeated Rosanne Barr years ago! I offer you twenty strong men no older than 9 years old to help you defeat this beast. Consider them a gift. But if any of them survive your Cloverfeeldy, send them back to us so that they can finish their quality education here in Uzbekistan. We have our own "Leave No Child Behind" education law too!

If rebels reconstitute, we also ask for your help. Maybe you give us some shoes or something? We love America! Call us!

"24" Season 7 News Roundup [UPDATED]

Editor's Note: Current 24 News and Reviews can be found here.

I know we are 11 months away from the broadcast of Season 7 of "24" but now is as good a time as any to present all of the information available about the show (BEWARE SPOILERS):

1) C.T.U. is gone. Season 7 takes place several months after the end of Day 6, and it is at this point that we learn the Counter Terrorism Unit no longer exists. Clearly, we've seen the seeds of this over the course of Days 5 and 6, but now they finally pulled the federal plug on this agency. How did this happen? Those specifics are not clear, but I would imagine both the President and Congress mutually agreed to disband C.T.U. once and for all. Congress holds the purse-strings and the President has executive authority over the agency. This leads to point 2...

2) Jack Bauer is the face of the disgraced C.T.U. As Day 7 starts, Jack Bauer testifies to his activities before a Senate Committee (namely torture). Imagine turning on CNN and seeing Bauer talk about his methods of extracting information from a terrorist. It is likely that Bauer is a national sensation (both reviled and revered). Now, at the start of Season 7, the word is that Bauer no longer works for the government. He is doing something in the private sector and God help us if that has anything to do with being a soup guy ("No soup for terrorists! Three months! Dammit!").

3) Madame President Allison Taylor. Okay, so most of you probably know that "24" has a female president. What you may not know is that already into her young administration, she has suffered a personal loss-- the death of the First Son, Roger Taylor. The investigation deemed Roger's death a suicide, but the First Gentleman, Henry Taylor, believes he was murdered. So, while Allison Taylor is trying to run the country, First Hubby Henry is investigating the death of their son, leading him to his son's former girlfriend Samantha. Wanna bet this has something to do with the larger plot?

4) Tony Almeida is a bad guy. Yes, yes, I've been telling you guys for YEARS that Almeida didn't die back at C.T.U. on that dark, dark day. And the trailer for the upcoming season reveals that I was right. So, what's the deal with Tony? I don't think its going to be that earth-shattering. Almeida was always a rogue in spirit, he was prone to his fits of depression and anger. So, after losing his wife to the Bluetooth gang back in Day 5, Almeida finally lost his freakin' mind once and for all. What does a guy who is, among other things a computer security genius, do with his spare time? Oh, maybe hack the nation's infrastructure network perhaps? In a plotline that closely mirrors the latest "Die Hard" movie, the start of Season 7 involves Tony hacking into the air traffic, powergrid and telecommunications networks. Listen, we all love Tony, but from what I've read, do not expect to have our buddy back. This guy is different-- insane perhaps-- and he seeks to kill people.

5) "X-Files" meets "24." No, there isn't a supernatural plotline to this show, but we are going to be swimming in F.B.I. Special Agents in the new season. Coming out of the Washington, D.C. Office, here's the roll-call: Special Agent Renee Walker (see right), Special Agent Janis Gold (Janeane Garofalo), Special Agent Larry Moss, Special Agent Sean Hillinger, and security expert Michael Latham, who is probably going to be the good guy techie fighting Almeida's hacks at every turn, with Chloe's helpful scowling. It looks like most of the F.B.I. agents distrust Jack Bauer. Big surprise. But, Special Agent Walker looks to be an interesting character. She will be critical of Bauer's methods at first, but she will weigh those moral concerns against what she sees as an overwhelming enemy. See, "24" can discuss torture and the like without sacrificing entertainment value. Just throw a redheaded federal agent (umm Scully?) in there! Oh yeah, don't be surprised if there's a mole in the F.B.I. either. I mean, this is "24."

6) Old friends and familiar faces. In addition to Tony Almeida returning, Chloe O'Brian is back. Also, we will see Bill Buchanan (yay!), Agent Aaron Pierce (whoop!) and... Morris O'Brian (blech). I'm still holding out hope for Former Secretary of Defense James Heller to make a real return (last season's appearance was all too brief). And what about The Jack Sack, eh?

And to torture you diehards a little extra, here's the previously released trailer to Season 7. I just watched it again, and I'm freakin' dying here. PLEASE BRING BACK MY SHOW! Enjoy.

Jack Bauer's Top 5 Favorite U.S. Presidents

Jack Bauer doesn't have time to read books. Instead, he gets Wikipedia articles sent to his PDA regularly by Chloe O'Brian. Mixed in with articles about concussion grenades and high-frequency pulse signals causing neurological trauma, Jack likes to refresh his recollection of American history by reading articles on former U.S. presidents. And in honor of President's Day, we offer you Jack Bauer's top 5 All-Time U.S. Presidents:

5. James Monroe (1817-1825): Consider James Monroe the guy to end the Revolutionary War for real. Towards the tail-end of his presidency, Monroe threw down the biggest idea of his time by declaring that Europe (ahem- England) had to stay the heck out of the Western Hemisphere (this being the conveniently-named "Monroe Doctrine"). With colonialism ended in the Americas, two things happened: 1) America finally got rid of the British and 2) The Old World Empires saw the beginning of their decline. Without a doubt, this was the most far-reaching moment in U.S. history since the Founding Fathers declared our Independence. Jack Bauer salutes President Monroe for saying "Dammit!" to the rest of the world.

4. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837): Aside from being a trigger-happy widower, President Jackson also shares something else with Jack Bauer-- he almost got killed several dozen times, most of which was through dueling. Apparently, if you bet on the ponies with "Old Hickory" and lost, he'd take you out back for a little "debt-settlement." And please, don't say anything bad about his wife. Jackson never lost a duel, but he carried around a few slugs in his body from his antics. Clearly, Jackson was our angriest president. But don't accuse the man of being completely humorless. When running for president, critics called him a "Jackass" outright. He liked the nickname and used the donkey as the icon of his campaign. And that image lives today as the symbol of the Democratic Party.

3. Harry Truman (1945-1953): Truman drank a bourbon every morning, wore Hawaiian shirts while vacationing in Florida, liked to bowl and play cards, and he would kick your ass if you said anything to hurt his daughter. Okay, so he and Jack Bauer didn't share a lot of hobbies, but they are both protective fathers, right? Well, the important thing to Bauer is that Truman signed into law the creation of the Central Intelligence Agency and the National Security Council. Truman basically helped pave the way for Jack's professional career. That's right, there would be no federal agent Jack Bauer without Harry Truman. 'Nuff said.

2. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909): Historian, NYC Police Commissioner, Rough Rider, big-game hunter, Governor, Vice-President and President-- this guy knew how to maximize a 24-hour period! T.R. was strong, smart and stubborn. "Speak softly and carry a big stick" was his motto, and that is something Bauer lives by, literally. And the guy boxed for fun. While he was President, T.R. liked punching things, and he didn't mind taking a few shots himself. And it is also alleged that Roosevelt could communicate with animals, particularly bears (see photo). Crazy bastard. Oh, and he also was the one to put Abraham Lincoln on the penny. Speaking of...

1. Abraham Lincoln (1861–1865): We'd all be watching "Dukes of Hazzard" reruns on every single channel if it weren't for Honest Abe. And you have to love the idea of a 6 foot 4 inches-tall guy wearing a top-hat. Yikes. But seriously, the guy understood Liberty's value (that's right, with a capital "L") more than any other person in the White House. And he also saw that a divided America would be our undoing. Sure, he's everybody's favorite president (North of the Mason-Dixon, at least) but Jack Bauer is no fool! What, you thought he'd pick David Palmer as his favorite president? Dude, it's just a t.v. show...

Happy President's Day!

123 Book Meme

Ah, yes. Blogging is fast-becoming a playground atmosphere. And if you ever played "tag" as a kid, then you know that once you're "it" you have to take action. Mr. Furious snared me into his latest meme scheme that goes as follows:

Instructions:

1. Grab the nearest book (that is at least 123 pages long).
2. Open to p. 123.
3. Go down to the 5th sentence.
4. Type in the following 3 sentences.
5. Tag five people.

I'm gonna do the first four steps now and save the fifth for a moment of my choosing (I play tag the way a Russian spies on America)!

The book is Richard Russo's "Bridge of Sighs"-- a gift from Rickey Henderson. And here's the text:

"When my mother and I passed Newberry's, she'd wrinkle her nose and say, "Lord, that smell." Little did she know how I yearned for the day I'd be old enough to go inside on my own and spend hours investigating its dark, delicious mysteries. Even then I seemed to know that all this would begin to happen in junior high."

The Jack Sack Studies Language: The C-Word!

Let's get a few things straight-- I don't use profanity here on The Jack Sack. Why? Because I think in terms of written humor, it can be a cop-out. There have been times that I've written something and thought "Man, an f-bomb would fit perfectly here." But it's at that point that I realize that I'm probably making a very mediocre joke. So, I'll delete the whole thing sentence and start over.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm a prude or a wholesome guy. I think using curse-words in conversation is a lot more fun and funny. Especially when they show up unexpected. On network television. On a morning show. Oh yes.

Jane Fonda dropped the "c-word" yesterday on NBC's brain-sucking "Today Show," watch and enjoy (obviously don't watch if you're offended by the word):



Am I the only one that finds the apology at the end of the clip funnier than the actual curse-word? Host Meredith Vieira says "In our last half hour, we were talking about 'The Vagina Monologues' and Jane Fonda inadvertently said a word from the play that you don't say on television." Now, I'm sorry but that quote kills me on several levels. 1) Vieira says "vagina" which makes me giggle (and admit it, you giggle too). 2) I picture someone just tuning in 30 minutes later and seeing this apology and going to YouTube to see what he missed, thus calling extra attention to the incident. 3) Vieira apologizes on behalf of Jane Fonda? Now that is funny.

Now, if you really want to know the origins and meanings of the "c-word," hop a click right here and enjoy a Wikipedia article on the subject.

UPDATE: A year ago, I did post an entry with a decent amount of profanity, it was called "The Bauer Situation" and it featured a salty-tongued Pulp Fiction character. You can't spoof Tarantino without cursing. Sorry, if I was a hypocrite earlier.

Joel Surnow leaves "24"

Co-creator and Executive Producer Joel Surnow is no longer working on "24" according to the Hollywood Reporter. Longtime showrunner Howard Gordon will remain.

All I can say is thank you to Joel Surnow. You've introduced hacksaws, bleeping clocks and manpurses into my life. Good job, man.

January 2009

In January, 2009 we will get fresh episodes of "24" according to our friends at Remote Access.

That's 11 months from now, folks. That's a whole new tax year. That's going to be AFTER the presidential election. Aside from having a new president sworn in, what other crazy things can we expect to see in that span of time?

CURRENT EVENTS PREDICTIONS:

1. Bill Belichick will be banned from coaching football when he is found to be guilty of videotaping his Super Bowl opponents over the course of the Patriots "dynasty" run.

2. Bill O'Reilly will be found in a lascivious videotape starring him, a goat and Dick Morris.

3. Bill Clinton will finally divorce Hillary (or the other way around)! (Okay, no more Bill references-- I promise).

4. Someone, somewhere, for some odd reason, will attempt to clone Bob Newhart. It will work. And we will all suffer God's wrath as a result.

5. The mystery of the missing honey bees will be solved-- Oprah Winfrey stole them all for her own sinister purposes (read "mind control" here).

6. Oil companies will buy banks troubled by the mortgage crises, and there will be nifty cross-promotions offered where you can direct-deposit your paychecks to your local gas station. A major player will be the newly formed "Exxon Trust." Cynics such as myself will laugh and cry simultaneously.

7. Andy Kaufman will come back. I will tell everyone "I told ya so" for about a month straight.

8. Betty White will curse on camera. Someone who is new to this sort of thing will laugh hysterically.

9. Oscar prediction: Daniel Day-Lewis will win Best Actor, or else... (fill in the name of his current movie here for the rest of the sentence!).

10. Global-freezing will become a problem. You think I'm kidding? You'll see!

ADAM'S PERSONAL LIFE PREDICTIONS:

1. I will boycott the 2008 Beijing Olympics because the Chinese Government tortured our friend and savior, Jack Bauer.

2. I will briefly reconsider my boycott when considering the fact that the Chinese also messed with Audrey Raines, who seriously had it coming.

3. I will finally track down a butcher who will provide me with the elusive tri-tip cut of beef, which I have been quietly craving for several years.

4. I will incorporate insoluble and soluble fiber into my diet. My colon will cheer in the way only a colon can make noise!

5. I will make something levitate by using my mind. No one will see this but me. I will be forever tormented by this transcendental moment. An overdose of fiber will be blamed on my hallucination.

6. I will do the dance of death with a sea crab while at the beach. My flip-flop will be the harbinger of death for the innocent, yet disgusting crustacean. My Rabbi will tell me I did not sin as long as I didn't eat the crab after the fact.

7. I will perfect my impersonation of Matthew McConaughey. I will call in on a sports radio talk show and explain that I (McConaughey) couldn't play professional sports because my arms are too short.

8. I will deliver a baby of some sort.

9. I will still know how to ride a bike (in theory)!

10. My months of going cold-turkey without Bauer will push me over the edge and I will start buying terrible DVDs, mostly starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. Upon my seventeenth viewing of "Boat Trip" I will question the existence of goodness in the Universe. No amount of fried chicken, strippers and single-malt whiskey will shake me free of my malaise. But then...

"24" returns in January, 2009. And all the pain will be washed away. Until then, stay tuned.

David, meet Goliath!

And knock Goliath on his ass! I am sitting here watching endless reruns of highlights from Super Bowl XLII. The N.Y. Giants are the champions. And I am 13 years-old again.



Thank you, G-men.

Oh, and thanks to Archie Manning too (father of MVP Eli Manning)!

8 Random Things About Me

Amy Vernon, fellow blogger and ally to all things Jack Bauer-related, "tagged" me electronically to reveal 8 random things about myself. Well, here we go:

1. When I was a kid (2-3 years-old) I used to bite people that annoyed me. I miss those days...

2. I never cheated on an exam in my life.

3. I often go to the movies alone.

4. I want to own a farm one day. In Mexico. Someplace where there is no law.

5. I think most people are terrible drivers. I'm talking 80-90% of them. That means 9 out of every 10 of you suck at driving, according to me.

6. I am a strong proponent of term limits on ALL federally-elected offices (senators, congressmen, etc.). It is the only way to truly reform government. No more professional politicians.

7. Oreo cookies piss me off. Bigtime.

8. I really want a fresh-baked soft pretzel.

Okay, if anyone wants to post comments with 8 random things about themselves, please go ahead and do so!

CLOVERFIELD: The Jack Sack Movie Review

"Cloverfield" is basically "The Blair Witch Project" meeting "Godzilla." A freakish monster tears New York City apart, forcing a group of yuppies with a camcorder to flee. Mixing it up a bit, I thought I'd give you my synopsis/review of the movie in the form lyrics, set to the crappy song "Hey There Delilah." Enjoy:

Hey there Clovercrab
Why you wrecking New York City?
Ruining some dude's going away party
Ripping the head off Lady Liberty
Just look at you
You've got eight arms and legs to boot
Still, you can't play the flute!

Hey there Clovercrab
You must have come a real long distance
But why my city? You should try
Los Angeles, for instance!
You eat people like french fries
You like our taste, what a surprise!
And look at your size!

What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
The Hell are you supposed to be?

Hey there Clovercrab
You're scaring this dude's buddies
And his "sorta girlfriend's" trapped uptown
In a building you tipped over
What a night
I hear F-18s taking flight
But you put up a good fight!

Hey there Clovercrab
I see you're also shedding weird creatures
Little spiders with rat features
The yuppies try to run away
But the "plot" makes them stay
Still gotta save that girl someway
But Columbus Circle is so far away!

What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?

You look like present-day Teri Garr
You're wrecking planes and trains and cars
Who pissed you off to make you this way?
Did Godzilla beat you up on the school bus?
Did Mothra pull your pants down in gym class?
Geez, I can't even tell if you have an ass
Clovercrab, I can barely see you
Because of this stupid shaky camera-view
You know why "Blair Witch Project" was kind of lame?
Because the action was out of frame!

Hey there Clovercrab
Be a good chap and die quickly
The military is thinking of nuking you
And Donald Trump is prepared to sue
'Cuz the real estate market's dropping too
Which makes the subprime crisis seem cute
But Clovercrab, tough as you are
You still can't play the flute!

What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
What the Hell are you supposed to be?
The Hell are you supposed to be?

THOUGHTS: This is dumb fun. If not taken seriously, this is a very entertaining (and sometimes very funny) movie. But be warned, if you dislike shaky cameras, this movie will be unwatchable for you.

SCORE: (out of a possible five sacks):




WHAT WOULD JACK DO: Jack Bauer would do pretty much everything differently from what these characters decided. For most of the time, I wondered why nobody asked for or tried to find a weapon. Without giving too much away, a gun, baseball bat or even a broom stick would have come in handy in a few key moments. Bauer, with The Jack Sack in tow, would not have been caught as helpless as these characters. And Jack versus the Clovercrab? I'd buy that for a dollar!

Suddenly, Not Having "24" This Month Doesn't Hurt As Much!

The New York Giants are going to the Super Bowl.

"24" GUEST STAR WINS NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY

Sure, it was only a non speaking cameo, but Rickey would like to think that in the future, all viable presidential contenders will need to be vetted by making guest appearances on "24." We, the American electorate, need to know about our potential presidents' folder handling abilities. Do they maintain a sincere look of gravitas as they drop off that important CTU memo in the background of our favorite tv show? Rickey demands to know!

We'd love to see a limp wristed Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama attempt to heft a folder in the sublimely masculine manner that John McCain did in his brief stint on the show. This election season, Rickey is campaigning for guest appearances on "24" for all presidential candidates. That's the utopia Rickey dreams of living in one day.

TIME magazine proves it is still irrelevant

In another feat of nauseating political correctness, TIME magazine has decided that this year's "Person of the Year" doesn't need to be a person at all! TIME has selected the demon-spawn from Satan himself- Russian Premier Vladimir Putin! This, the person who kills or locks up his political rivals is praised for his "extraordinary feat of leadership in taking a country that was in chaos and bringing it stability." Huh?

The turkey that wrote this piece of trash is managing editor Richard Stengel. What a joke.

Curb Your Terrorism

Another lost concept for "24" found in Joel Surnow's trash-- a takeoff of the HBO comedy series "Curb Your Enthusiasm" (apologies to Larry David):

INT. KOSHER DELI. AFTERNOON.

Jack Bauer and Tony Almeida are eating lunch at a table as the scene begins. They are already talking.

JACK (looking at Tony's face)
I gotta ask you something.

TONY
What is it?

JACK (motioning with his hand)
What's with that thing on your face?

TONY
What, I got food on my face?

JACK
No, I'm talking about that thing on your chin. What do they call that?

TONY
Hair?

JACK
Yeah, I know it's hair. But there's a name for it. What is that called?

TONY
A patch?

JACK
That's it! A soulpatch! (silence) What's with that?

TONY
It's how I grow my facial hair. What's the big deal?

JACK
No, it's not how you grow your hair, it's how you trim it! See, you grow hair all over your face. You happen to be a pretty hairy guy.

TONY
I don't know where this is going.

JACK
Yeah, me neither.

TONY
Alright, since we're asking questions, what's with that purse?

JACK
This? (holds up The Jack Sack™) This isn't a purse, it's a messenger bag.

TONY
You're making a fashion statement. It happens to be a pretty feminine one as far as I can tell. But my soulpatch is a million times more manly than your purse.

JACK
No, no, no! This is not a fashion statement, it's a government-issued utility bag. I didn't grow it. I didn't go to a store and pick it out.

TONY
I don't know, Jack. It's got all the makings of a purse. And you're the only guy at C.T.U.that carries that thing around. I bet you could carry a lot of feminine hygiene products in that thing.

JACK
Yeah? Well I bet I could! Huh? See, I could carry a few tampons in here, maybe a few gossip magazines, right? I should probably empty out the C-4 and concussion grenades first, though, right? (mutters) At least I don't look like Cheech Marin.

TONY
I heard that.

JACK
I know!

(cue tuba music)

END OF SCENE.

CTU Inter-Office Memo from Howie the Security Guy

TO: Steve, the new security guy
FROM: Howie, the retiring security guy
RE: You luck bastard!

Welcome to the team, you lucky bastard. Unbelievable. I've worked at CTU Los Angeles for the past ten years. The job started out great, good benefits, a government pension and all Federal holidays. I thought "Great, with this job, I can focus on my music career, maybe get some traveling in too." And then Jack Bauer had to show up and screw the whole damned thing up. It's a miracle I'm even alive to write this memo to you. Who's Jack Bauer, you ask? Oh yeah, that's right, he doesn't work here anymore, so you're totally out-of-the-loop! It almost doesn't even matter because your job has become a million times easier (and more safe). But I'll tell you anyway, so you realize how your job is a f@#$ing cake-walk compared to what I've dealt with.

Good 'ol Jack Bauer. Got his wife killed at the office. Jack got a few people shot at the office. Jack was around when terrorists unleashed nerve gas on the office too. Heck, he even got the office blown up! (see below).


But now, Jack is gone. He's off in D.C. testifying that he tortured bad guys. Yeah? What about me, Jack? Every single day you showed up to work, I was in a constant state of terror. And I never got a raise since I was there! Why? Because I never had a consecutive review by a CTU Director (they kept getting fired or killed too). We're talking at least 12 different directors in the 10 years I worked at CTU. Thanks a lot, Jack.

Yeah, Steve, so the next time the coffee machine goes on the fritz in the break room, just be glad you aren't inhaling nerve gas or getting hosed down with bullets by some Chinese mercenaries. And don't use the middle bathroom stall on the second floor, it gets jammed up all the time.

A#@hole.

Joel Surnow's Trash: Rejected Plot Ideas For Season 7

The writer's strike has paralyzed the entertainment industry, including a little show we follow at this site called "24." Out of boredom (criminal mischief) we recently rummaged through Executive Producer Joel Surnow's trashbin and uncovered various notes concerning the show's upcoming seventh season. Here are a few ideas that didn't make it to the set:

1. Jack Bauer no longer uses weapons! So, this sounds like a pretty good idea, right? I could get behind a completely vicious brand of violence from Jack, without the aid of firearms or explosives. Well... unfortunately, Joel Surnow's idea was to have Jack "improvise" with regular household items, a la MacGuyver. In one proposed scene, Jack spends thirty minutes reprogramming a universal TV remote to set off a microwave oven that he filled with spoons earlier, to start cooking thus causing sparks to go off, distracting the terrorists. Yeah. Spoons.

2. Edgar is the terrorist. Yeah, before they decided to bring Tony Almeida back from the dead, Joel Surnow had it in his head to revive Edgar Stiles. Edgar, miffed by Chloe's inability to save him from the Sentox nerve gas attack on CTU, swears sweet revenge on his gal-pal and his former employer. As a sidenote, Edgar was able to survive (here comes the fat joke, wait for it, wait for it...) because at the time of the attack, he had a whole loaf of bread lodged in his larynx, which absorbed the toxic gas. When Edgar collapsed, it was from oxygen deprivation. But his above-average saliva capacity quickly "digested" the loaf of bread to allow air back into his system. A day later, Edgar awoke at the local dump (apparently CTU didn't spring for a proper funeral).

3. "The Audrey Raines Show." With several lifetimes of tragedy behind her, Jack's former lady-friend is given a daytime talk show on ABC, following Oprah Winfrey. Show topics include "How to speed up menopause", "What's the best home security system?" and "How to make your nervous ticks cute!" In her "favorite things" episode, Audrey showers her audience with anti-depressants and vodka. Amazingly, she is canceled in the first 5 hours of Day 7.

4. The Bill Buchanan Reality Tour. Unemployed and an ex-con (but pardoned by the new lady President), former CTU honcho Bill Buchanan has written a tell-all book about his ex-wife Karen Hayes-Buchanan and her corrupt cronies at Homeland Security. Bill tries to get a booking on talk shows, but only Audrey Raines' show makes an offer, and then is canceled. Buchanan instead chooses to go to a local supermarket and sell books out from the trunk of his Saab hatchback, drinking Evian, eating beef jerky and cranking Jethro Tull on his stereo. He sells no books over the course of 8 hours.

5. Bringing Corey Feldman and Corey Haim to the show as psychic twins. The two Coreys would have been integral part of the Day 7 plot. When the trail of the terrorists goes cold, Jack reaches out to the twins, former Yugoslavian teens that he met while on his Special Forces mission to kill Victor Drazen in the 1990s (whom he secretly adopted to bring back to the States). The plot thickens when Kim Bauer shows up, looking to reconcile with her father. When the Corey Twins see her, they begin to lose their ability to tap into the psychic realm. Technically, Kim is their sister, but not by any blood relations. While caught up in this moral dilemma, Jack deems them useless and kicks them out of his house, returning to anonymity for another decade.

There are more abandoned plot ideas, stay tuned.

MAXIM MAGAZINE: The Tony Almeida Interview

(excerpt from the Jan. 2008 issue)
TONY ALMEIDA Interview by Gee Luv

He was shot in the neck and went back to his desk within hours, he shared a duplicitous lady with friend Jack Bauer and now he's calling in Uncle Sam's markers after being declared dead for over a year. And Tony Almeida wants you to help destroy America!

First off, we gotta ask- what's with the soul patch?
I thought we were going to talk about our nation's future?

Indulge us, Tony. Our readers are dying to know why you have that scruff on your chin.
Well, I moved out to Los Angeles back in the mid-1990s. The party scene was pretty good and I met this guy Chino Arroyo, who did custom bikes out in the Valley. He invited me up to his place one weekend, set me up with a chopper and well, you gotta have some facial hair to ride, I mean that's gotta be a law somewhere, right? Hence, the soul patch was born.

Is the Latin sex symbol craze over now that Marc Anthony and Rickey Martin are certified lame?
I think that's a question you should ask of the two blondes in my hotel room.

Now that you're not working for the government, you don't have to drive their boring vehicles. What are you cruising in nowadays?
I don't drive a car.

How are you getting around?
I ride a horse now. Saves on gas and women love petting it.

You are a freakin' genius, Tony! Speaking of, we hear you're looking to destroy America. What's the plan?
Well, I don't think "destroy" is the right word. I look at it as fixing what's broke, ya know?

Oh, totally!
Yeah, so I'm going to do away with the Federal bureaucracy, knock out the infrastructure and probably return the United States to the 1700s in terms of technology.

Wait, so no more Guitar Hero III for the bunch of us?
Dude, learn to play a real guitar, you'll get laid by real women that way.

You're a retro God, Tony Almeida. Good luck with that terrorism thing!
Yeah.

REAL SPORTS with Bryant Gumbel: The Tony Almeida Interview

Hello, everyone. This is Bryant Gumbel and welcome to REAL SPORTS.

Tonight, we have an exclusive interview with former CTU Agent Tony Almeida. Almeida, believed dead, has recently turned up as one of the most dangerous men alive, threatening to disable this nation's infrastructure using his intimate knowledge of our defenses. In my one-on-one interview with Almeida, I asked him why he has shifted his lifelong loyalties and whether he is being wrongly characterized by his former friends and co-workers within the federal government. Patriot or pariah? You decide.

GUMBEL: You're a baseball fan, right?

ALMEIDA: Yeah.

GUMBEL: What do you think of the recent indictment against Barry Bonds?

ALMEIDA: He is being singled out by a corrupt power structure that is pointing fingers at him. Bonds didn't break any rules of the game. Even if he used steroids, I think the game knew about it all along. And he wasn't the only one to use them anyway. He just happens to be the guy who did the best out of the group. He's a patsy, Bryant.

GUMBEL: Now, my producers tell me that you're a lifelong Chicago Cubs fan. Well, so am I--

ALMEIDA: I'm not a Cubs fan.

GUMBEL: I- we have numerous pictures of you with a Chicago Cubs mug. I think your fans refer to it as "Cubby" in fact.

ALMEIDA: Yeah. I had a Cubs mug. I also had a long-held trust in this nation. Things change. I drink Budweiser out of a new mug now; I follow the White Sox.

GUMBEL: Why did you change your loyalties?

ALMEIDA: It started with Steve Bartman.

GUMBEL: You're not going to make him a scapegoat like so many other Cubs fans, are you?

ALMEIDA: Bartman was no scapegoat. He was, in fact, a CTU agent working out of the Chicago branch. I have reviewed the internal files, which show that Bartman was sent to Game 6 of the 2003 NLDS series to disrupt the Cubs' chances of winning the series by botching the foul-ball play. Bartman is just one of several federal agents sent to keep the Cubs from winning another World Series over the years. Harry Carey was another agent, a master of mass deception. And I have it on good authority that Carlos Zambrano is the current mole within the Cubs organization.

GUMBEL: I'm astonished by these claims. Do you have proof?

ALMEIDA: I'm not in a court of law. The proof I have would be discredited by the government anyways. Look, I was drinking the Kool-Aid myself for a long time. The Cubs will never win a World Series because the powers that be have decided so. The White Sox are not a target of this conspiracy.

GUMBEL: Were the Boston Red Sox a victim of this corruption as well?

ALMEIDA: No, they just sucked for a really long time.

GUMBEL: Moving on, I understand that your former co-workers have called you, and I quote, "a terrorist who is threatening to destroy this nation's infrastructure." How do you respond?

ALMEIDA: Our founding fathers were called similar things by the British crown over two hundred years ago. They, like myself, had renegade facial hair and a love of liberty. I apologize for nothing.

GUMBEL: After you destroy this country's ability to function, what do you have planned next?

ALMEIDA: I'd like to take a break, maybe hit a few ballgames and catch up on some reading. It's a lot of work getting free time. Heck, I'm still picking up pieces of my dead wife off the kitchen floor. I make lists, I try to keep organized. I'll probably get a cat too.

GUMBEL: Any chance you'll play softball again?

ALMEIDA: Funny you should mention that. I have a good team I'm lining up. CTU's team is overrated. And most of their players are dead or fired now. Stay tuned.

Well, that's our interview with Tony Almeida. As Coach John Wooden said: "Sports do not build character, they reveal it." And the same can be said for a fan's approach to his beloved games. That's our show for tonight. Come back next week when I interview Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez about his ties to Iran and his love of horses. Good night.

h/t to Rickey Henderson.

THE MIST: The Jack Sack Movie Review

DAMMIT! There are no Gorillas in "The Mist!"

And too bad, because this movie would have been a lot better of there were some monkeys flinging their poop. Filling in for the gorillas are a bunch of uptight, annoying New Englanders who toss their own brand of feces at one another, in the form of silly dialogue. If you had any hopes for this movie, prepare to be disappointed in a big way.

PLOT (using the term loosely) AND THOUGHTS: "The Mist" is a modern fable of fear, distrust and paranoia in this post-9/11 world. Or is it this post-McCarythism Red Scare world? I lose track-- apparently mankind is consistently screwed up.

The movie takes place in Lazytown, Maine where a bunch of slow-moving locals are hitting the supermarket after a storm rolled through the night before, causing power-loss and extensive damage to the area. About ten minutes into the movie, we are with the film's hero, David Drayton (Thomas Jane) and his little boy (we'll call him "Skippy" because it doesn't really matter) as a thick fog, dare I say MIST, envelopes the area. But this is no normal mist. Like Steve Martin's terrible B-movie from "Bowfinger" this is some chubby rain indeed.

This story comes courtesy of a Stephen King novella from 1980. Updated for modern tastes, we get a lot of fake-looking computer-generated creatures running around in this mist, glad to eat any human foolish enough to venture out into the soupy hell-on-earth beyond the supermarket's front doors. And people keep running outside! Hell, I stay in if there's a hailstorm. But 100 ft.-tall lobsters apparently can't keep these slack-jawed locals at bay. But where did these 50 lb. spiders come from anyway? Haliburton? The Religious Right? No, silly, the Military! For an organization that can barely find weapons of mass destruction, the U.S. military has some bitchin' scientists that have opened up a portal through space and time which unfortunately happened to come across a place where the bugs run the show. And these bugs are not shy, no ma'am!

Without mincing words, the movie flat-out sucks. The allegories about fear and self-destruction are trite. The religious zealot that causes trouble in the supermarket (played by Marcia Gay Harden) is a caricature not a character. And in the immortal words of Rodney King (no relation to Stephen): Can't we all just get along? Apparently not. People throw cans of peas at one another to start. But by the film's third act, full-on stabbings and shootings are the order of the day. Come on people, wake up! Big oil compan-err big bugs are the enemy!

The script, written by the guy who wrote "The Shawshank Redemption," has about as much in common in terms of quality with that movie as my car has with a Porsche. And the film's ending is not ironic like it wishes to be. Instead, it elicits a Nelson Muntz laugh ("HA-Ha!"). Our "hero" makes a fool-hardy decision so lame as to rival someone putting a million bucks down on the N.Y. Jets winning this year's Super Bowl. What a douche.

WHAT WOULD JACK DO?: See, this is where a WWJD question comes in handy. Jack would have thrived in this situation. He first would have identified himself to the supermarket folk as a federal agent. That would have been helpful to start. All Thomas Jane's character brought to the table was that he was an artist! Oh yeah, art-boy, save the day! And you know what, after dealing with several ass-bag CTU directors over the years, Bauer would have handled the religious lady with expert hands, probably convincing her to go out and negotiate a peace with the killer lobsters early on. And the boy, who asks his father to promise to keep him safe, would have gotten Jack Bauer's word to that end, and things would have ended up a lot better for all involved. This movie needed Jack Bauer in the worst way.

SCORE (out of a possible five sacks):
NEGATIVE TWO SACKS!

This is, by far, the worst movie I've seen this year. Cheers!

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN: The Jack Sack Movie Review

Let's just say that I'm tremendously grateful that this Writer's strike didn't take place before "No Country For Old Men" was produced. Without exaggeration, this is a perfect film. Now do I have your attention?

PLOT: Taking place in 1980s West Texas, this is a classic tale of good versus evil and the choices we make that determine where we fall in that spectrum. Take the good: local Sheriff Ed Tom Bell (Tommy Lee Jones) who looks out at his world with sad exasperation. Then there's the evil, a soulless killing machine named Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem). And in the middle is a rather unremarkable man, Llewellyn Moss (Josh Brolin),who stumbles across a satchel filled with $2 million while hunting one day. Again, it's about choices, and Moss decides that he can control his own fate by taking the money and going on the run.

Moss sends his young wife back to her Mother's place to hide out as he tries to fend off the men chasing him and the money. As the body count goes up, so does Sheriff Bell's apprehension. This is not a typical cop and robbers story where the policeman is sifting through evidence, piecing together the story and staying on the heels of the bad guys. There's a moment where Bell and his Deputy are within minutes of catching Anton, but instead of dashing out of the building after the villain, Bell takes a deep breath and hopes internally that he doesn't get sucked into the tornado of violence that's building. And Anton is not concerned about who may be after him either. He moves at the speed of a Jason Vorhees or Michael Myers. And the horror analogy applies here, because for the most part we don't get much insight into Anton's character. But that doesn't mean he is without substance. There are two moments in the movie where Anton elects to put a person's own life in their hands. He flips a coin before his potential victim and tells them to "Call it." In one instance, the person calls the toss. But in the other, the person refuses. And this is what I refer to earlier about making choices. From Anton's perspective, he's not choosing to kill anybody. His victims are the ones that have sealed their own fate. So, when people say to Anton "You don't have to do this," he is completely unimpressed. But when one victim puts the choice squarely on Anton, that's when you see him finally face his own nature.

THOUGHTS: This film is an example of technique. The acting is flawless. From the main characters down to those who appear for a scant few seconds, you believe the world in which this story is set. And the words they speak are both authentic and interesting. On the production side, the sound editing is incredibly good. When you hear boots on gravel, you are transported to this place. When you hear the whine-pitch of Anton's air tank and stun gun, you cringe at it's use. And the camera work shifts between being placid and sinister throughout the movie.

It's hard to get into the nitty-gritty themes of this movie without giving too much away. But temptation constantly appears in front of Moss (and his wife to a lesser degree), and each time he succumbs to it, he closes the circle of his own fate around him. And the symbolism of Sheriff Bell as God's son and Anton as the Devil incarnate are subtle enough that you don't feel the filmmakers are bashing you over the head with their ideas. But as a modern day "Expulsion from Paradise" this is the best morality play I've seen, period.

While "No Country For Old Men" is an example of cinematic perfection, it is not a movie for the masses. It is quite violent. There are no conventional moments of humor either (but there are some funny parts). And you don't get a typical resolution at the end. In short, it's not a crowd-pleaser. It's a challenging film, and one that surprised me several times throughout. I recommend it to anyone that wants the same film-going experience.

WHAT WOULD JACK DO?: Okay, to keep it 24-related, like I mentioned above, people say to Anton repeatedly "You don't have to do this!" Well, Jack Bauer says this a lot when he's facing down terrorists. Anton would have made a superb villain on "24" as he is a killer without a conscience or a typical agenda. He kills, plain and simple. So, Jack would have to basically drop a nuke on this guy to do away with him, and even then, it may not be finished. There are bad guys and then there is evil. Jack may need more than 24 hours to handle this one.

SCORE: (out of a possible five sacks)
Yeah, that's six out of five!

No "24" until Sept. 2008

The Writer's Strike has forced FOX to push "24" back to a fall 2008 premiere (from it's original January 2008 premiere). With only about 1/3 if the episodes shot, there's no chance of them finishing the series in time for a continuous airing of all episodes week after week. I never felt like busting up a union like today.