Monday, March 09, 2009

Larry Moss: "Renee, please watch 'Definitely, Maybe' with me."

The following is a first-draft letter by FBI Special Agent Larry Moss to his on-again-off-again girlfriend, FBI Special Agent Renee Walker. Yes, it is quite pathetic:

Dear Renee,
I take it you're too busy running around with that psychopath Jack Bauer trying to save the country to read this, but that's alright. You always put the job first, that's why I love admire you so much. And that's also why I'm writing this letter, so that you can read it when things finally calm down.

Last week, when you were busy with that stakeout of the Salazar Cartel, I was home watching rentals and I got to see a movie I know you'll love as much as I do- "Definitely, Maybe." I loved it so much, that when I returned the rental to Blockbuster, I bought a copy right there for keepers. Sure, Blockbuster charges the full MSRP on DVDs, but damn gosh it felt good to overpay for this gem of a movie.

Renee, watching this movie (a romantic "dramedy" starring Ryan Reynolds and a cast of Hollywood's hottest thirty-something actresses) made me think of our relationship. I couldn't believe how accurate that movie felt- about how we're always trying to find that right place to get close, and how that never really happens. There was one scene where this girl said to Ryan Reynolds "Let's just spend the whole day in bed"- sound familiar? It was a month ago when I said the same thing and you suddenly realized you told your neighbor you'd watch her dogs for her. Boy, it sure was a bald-faced lie good thing you remembered to do that, otherwise there'd be some really upset dogs.

And there's this girl in the movie that totally reminds me of you- Isla Fisher. You both have red hair... and you're cute. And you're the perfect girl- the both of you. Seriously, Isla Fisher is intoxicating. Have you seen her in anything before? I googled her after the movie ended-- she's amazing. And the guy in the story is completely into her... and that's why this movie is excellent. Now, I've tried to get you to watch this all week long, I even brought the DVD to work so we could maybe watch some of it in my office or something. I know, you had to run to the Capitol Building to get jerk-face Bauer in the morning, so that delayed my plan. I just know that if you watched it, you'd see what I've seen and you and I will be able to move ahead and be happy together. I know we have something special here, and I don't know what keeps coming between us, but I know that whatever it is, it will be sentenced to a long prison term after Congress is finished questioning him it.

I know I can be a pain and that's putting it nicely. But you know who I am and what I believe is important. Watch "Definitely, Maybe" with me and remind yourself of what love can be.

Yours always,


P.S. Check them out- it's totally us!


B said...

That. Is super funny.

TheJackSack said...

Thank you, I'm happy you enjoyed it.

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