Monday, March 02, 2009
Since so much of Season 7 takes place in the White House, wouldn't it be amusing (or "absurd") to imagine Aaron Sorkin returning to his "West Wing" roots to write tonight's episode of "24"? Too much political cross-breeding, you say? Bah! We're doing this for comedy's sake. Enjoy!
Jack Bauer enters the Oval Office to find President Allison Taylor and Chief of Staff Ethan Kanin discussing something with Bill Buchanan.
JACK: Madame President, we need to move you and your staff to a safe room.
TAYLOR: Ah, the urgency of our unemployed former federal agent, Jack Bauer. Mr. Bauer, should I be concerned that the Oval Office of the White House is no longer considered safe?
JACK: That's exactly what I'm telling you.
TAYLOR: Have the British returned to finish the War of 1812? Mr. Kanin, please recall our Ambassador to the United Kingdom immediately.
JACK: With all due, respect, what are you talking about?
TAYLOR: And notify the local fire brigade that a gang of redcoats is trying to set fire to the residence.
JACK: You are the target of a terrorist plot! You need to evacuate to a secure location immediately!
KANIN: This, Jack, is why you have a reputation for being a pain in the ass.
JACK: Are you people high? Terrorists are going to kick down the front gate in a matter of minutes and you're getting cute?
TAYLOR: Do you know that Teddy Roosevelt conceived of this Oval Office and West Wing in 1903? I wonder how TR would react to a guy in sweatpants bursting into this room telling the President that he was being "cute."
KANIN: I'm sure in 1903 "cute" had some alternative old-timey meaning. Like how everyone in a good mood said they were "gay."
TAYLOR: Tell that to the Joint Chiefs!
Taylor and Kanin continue their idle banter as Jack walks over to Bill Buchanan.
JACK (whispers): Bill, what's going on with these two?
BUCHANAN: They've become insufferable, I know. They've been one-upping one another for the past twenty minutes, it's like watching "Jeopardy" but without the beeping noises.
JACK: General Juma is on his way, if we can't get them out of here before then, we're going to lose control of this situation fast.
BUCHANAN: I've got an idea...
Buchanan walks to Taylor and Kanin who are still yapping.
TAYLOR (to Kanin):.. and Andrew Jackson kept this 2-ton block of cheese in the White House, allowing any visitor who so desired to take a piece. See my point?
KANIN: Your irrelevant anecdote just clarified the challanges facing our gun control legislation. Thank you.
BUCHANAN: I'm sorry to interrupt- uhh, there's a roundtable discussion with Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Charlie Rose, Henry Kissinger and Bob Dylan taking place in the emergency bunker right now. Should I have the staff tell them to leave?
TAYLOR: NO! Tell the staff I'm going down to the bunker personally to engage with these intellectual giants.
KANIN: Right behind you, boss!
Taylor and Kanin get into the elevator to go to the bunker.
JACK (to Bill): I think you oversold it a little, Bill. I would have just said there was a stack of New Yorker magazines and some pomegranate juice.
BUCHANAN: Leave the politics to me, Jack. Now, let's go kill some bad guys.