Monday, May 07, 2007

CTU Softball update: Roger Clemens signed to CTU!

Baseball pitcher and Humvee driver Roger Clemens has signed a one-year deal to play on CTU: Los Angeles' softball team. "The Rocket" appeared on a live-feed from Division HQ yesterday afternoon announcing his signing, much to the surprise of all in attendance. Clemens' agent, Randy Hendricks detailed the historic deal to the press afterwards: "Roger will not bean any terrorists on the road, he will be allowed to visit with his family when he is not due to go into the field with any tac teams, and he will receive approximately $7 million per terrorist killed."

The Xerox Repair team was also rumored to be courting Clemens, with negotiations taking place deep into last week. Talks broke down when Clemens revealed that he has no idea how to clear a paper jam with a split-finger fastball.

Acting President Noah Daniels released a statement on Clemens' signing: "Roger Clemens is a winner and a champion, and he is someone who can be counted on to help make defeat the terrorists and any opponent in our Los Angeles Softball League."

Clemens is eighth on the career wins list with 348 and second in strikeouts with 4,604. He was 7-and-6 with a 2.30 ERA last season for Houston. He has never drilled a terrorist with a baseball that we know of, but he is going to spend the next month in training to perfect this skill before he officially joins CTU.


HC said...

You know if Clemens manages to bean just 17 terrorists, he'll beat out Nolan Ryan's paltry 16...

Rickey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rickey said...

Clemens is the 24 equivalent of Nina Meyers. Improbable plot twists continue to bring him back, season after season.

Or maybe he'll channel Kim Bauer and a cougar will run onto the field and maul him midgame. I'd pay to watch that.

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