Tuesday, November 16, 2010

24 Season 1: 7PM-8PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's note: BauerLuver strikes again!  She offers a brilliant, frantic review of one of the best episodes from Season 1.  I really love what you're about to read:

Greetings, fellow Twentyfourers! I have the next weekly dose of the Jack Bauer Power Hour. Previously on 24, Jack went to some National Park, George cracked more sarcasm, and David made a big speech. With relish that the Keith-Amnesia-Kim-is-with-the-drug-dealers storylines have finally ended, let us begin...

It's dinner time, folks! Maybe to us, but not to the characters of 24. Jack n' George investigate what looks like an abandoned golf course. They've been told that at 7:20, the power will be shut down in that location. George, of course, starts to lose heart in this information when he doesn't get instant results, and saunters back home leaving Jack to dig up whatever he can find. I'm liking this George guy less and less. In fact, if he didn't have a sense of humor, I would downright hate him.

Fresh of his stunning save, Tony is left to reap his reward by hawling a hysterical Teri and a wounded Creepo Doctor into his van. He calls Nina, they talk dirt, they hang up. Teri is downright screaming for Kim, and Tony ends up yelling, "TERI, GET IN THE CAR!" Seriously woman, get a grip will ya? Look? Alright? Yha? That's when we hear Tony mumbling, "I don't get paid enough to do this job..."

Down at the old slammer, Kim and Rick are put in handcuffs. Rick FINALLY decides to back Kim up and they agree to tell the police everything that has happened. Ignore the "hallelujah" chorus you hear in the background. Meanwhile, David gives Nicole the same ten speeches he's already given Keith, but reworded. But hey, at least she's in good hands! But then we get a little smackdown with Sherry, who marches in with the same yimmer yammer like before, about how the world will end if David tells the truth. She says, "I hope your conscience helps you when this is all over." David retorts back, "You mean the campaign or us?" Guys, this is big. This perfect couple has been at each other's throats all day, but they never actually talked about splitting up before. My goodness.

Jackanial Baueroone (Daniel Boone + Jack Bauer) marches fearlessly through the wilderness, and he just happens to notice something a bit funny. There is a passageway in the ground (if any of you have seen LOST, it's like the hatch) made of concrete. Ahhhhndre Drazen and his minions unfortunately already know that Jack is there, and this strobe light and alarm suddenly blare on, and Jack yells and there are soldiers and stuff and an unconscious Jack is dragged away. Security has a may of making a guy feel welcome, you know?

Jack wakes up, and pukes. (gross.) A guy comes in who looks suspiciously like that Spanish matinance man from earlier in the day. Not only does Jack learn that this place is an underground detention center (how cool is that?) but also that an unidentified prisoner is arriving at the important time- 7:20. Jack tells Matinance Man to prepare this place for battle. The plot has just majorly thickened! The SWAT bad guy soldier people prepare for battle to, but even Ahhhndre can't deny being a little antsy since Alexis hasn't called back. As Jillian Michaels said, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

Jack's homemade army of janitors prepares to look like they know what they're doing as a chopper holding the mysterious prisoner lands on the chopper patch. As Jack brings in the suspect, not only is Ahhhndre's army reluctant to attack because they see added recruits, but the power never goes off (I actually don't know how Jack stopped this). Ahhhhndre stands down, and zeee priisonerrr eeees seecurre!
(and the lights are on!)

Kim does a horrible job of explaining herself to the police officer, but let's face it, we didn't expect anything better, did we? She does have the sense to tell the officer to call CTU, which hopefully he will. Down in the dungeons, Jack tries to weedle his way into interrogating the prisoner, but of course, it is denied. So that leaves Jack with two options: a) go rouge, or b) get DOD Matinance Man to call his people. It'll probably end up being both. :)

Jack slips into a random control office, taps a few buttons, and just as he gets caught, sees who the prisoner is on the screen. Guess what, folks? Victor Drazen is alive and kicking! This is quite the twist, and Jack takes it about as well as I might! Of course, this raises the question, why would Victor's sons want to avenge their father who is already alive? I think we'll find the answer soon.

Jack has another arm wrestle with DOD Matinence, who concludes that their next move should be making phone calls. Jack disagrees because Jack is a step above the average mortal man. Oh, and it turns out that Drazen's sons know that their father is alive, and decide to use C5 to blast a way in. I suppose they're just trying to make up for their previous lack of Father's Day gifts, right?

Nina takes the whiplash from George all for asking why he hasn't told Jack about his family. This really annoys me, Nina has the most sense on this show past Jack and David! And yet she gets punted around like a football at that dimly lit office of hers. One observation I've noticed is how obsessed she is with Jack. I mean, she's always trying to do anything to make the man happy! And honestly, she seems to care very little for Tony, who she kind of has as a backup man in case Jack is gone or something. The DAh-Rah-Mah.

Yeah, guess what: it turns out Sherry was wrong. Seems like telling the truth is the latest fashion these days! David's numbers actually increase and I'm serious, if he doesn't end up president, I'll eat my hat. At the Presidential Hotel, at little par-tae is being thrown in honor of David's awesomeness. We then get another juicy David- Sherry scene, and behold: David doesn't love or trust Sherry anymore! Penny Johnson Gerald is amazing in this scene as she comes back saying, (in a very dramatic voice) "Well, David, you may not love me but you'll never leave me." David is kinda like, "Watch me." I just can't believe it! How can this couple seriously break up? They're soulmates! Sherry would have to do something really diabolical before I could ever think that they should actually break up. 

Down in the Chamber of Secrets, Jack gets the go (sort of) to interrogate Victor Drazen. Yeeeees! Dennis Hopper gives a smashing performance as the Bosnian nationalist, and as Jack tries to convince him to call off the attack, he refuses. (I suddenly have a future vision of another man Jack will also interrogate in a holding room and have believed he was dead --- Omgsh spolier alert!) Jack concludes that Victor won't talk, and prepares to move his men and Drazen out. But this isn't done without complications -- our last scene features men moving into the prison. "Thhhherre hhheeerrree," says Drazen in his native tongue, Vampirenese, with oily relish.

Another strong episode. This detention facility is super cool, I actually just feel like an agent myself by watching it! The Sherry -- David breakup update, however, seems a little unbelievable to me. I don't think hiding huge secrets from your spouse is OK, but to throw away 24 ---I mean 25, years of marriage for a problem that's already been solved? Sherry (or David) would have to do something truly evil for me to buy it. Nice action + interrogation + Less Teri and Kim + Super spy underground prison = Thrilling 24! Thanks y'all for tuning in! Only one more disc (sniff) till the season's done!

Editor's note: Watching this episode, I began to realize, sadly, how much I'll miss Dennis Hopper.  He brought a level of theater to his villain that was borderline comical, but still very intimidating. It's an underrated performance from a great actor.  Thanks again, BL- you had me laughing throughout your awesome review!

Monday, November 08, 2010

24 Season 1: 6PM-7PM Outsourced Retro Review

It's your Absentee Landlord here-- Many apologies to everyone for the lateness in posting Spencer's review.  I've been overwhelmed and exhausted by work- I know, boo-freakin-hoo.  I am sincerely grateful for everyone's continued contributions, and Spencer- thank you, man.  You've turned in another great piece- which I share with you all here:

Helloooooo, I'm Spencer. I substitute for Adam and write crappy reviews so YOU don't have too.(jk)

So, where are we now? Well, it appears that Dr. Russell Crowe has brought Tear-me Bauer to her house. Gee, it sure is a good thing that Dr. Russell Crowe doesn't like molesting people with amnesia. Meanwhile, Zee Big Russian Mon is peeking his head out from behind a tree, and...I'm sorry, but that's just funny. I know we're supposed to take it seriously, but it seems so cartoony for a villain character to be hiding behind a tree and peeking his head out menacingly. All that's missing is him saying, "Ha-ha, they've fallen right into my trap! Soon everything will fall into place and I'll be able to take over the world!"

Anyway, the two get in the house using a hidden key, and either R2D2's having some fun in the bathroom or the alarm goes off. Tear-me Bauer calls someone asking about how to stop it, and the lady asks for the password. Man, I really wish Tear-me Bauer would've said, "Lady, if I knew what the password was, first of all, I would've been able to turn it off myself, and second of all, if I knew the password, it wouldn't have gone off in the first place because this is a show! Use your brains, bitch!

While this is all happening, Nina tells Jack that the name of the most inconveniently shot man in history is Allen Morgan. Jack takes interest in this information. He and Nina are doing pretty well, though Bauer's still upset that he shot Nina, not because he likes her, but because since then she's been wearing long pants. Shakespearean tragedy for both Jack and the audience. I do have to say that these two look like Mulder and Scully when they're investigating. It's quite awesome.

Two cops come in to Tear-me Bauer's house and point guns, but she and the doctor put their hands up, so the cops are like, "Alright, you're cool.", and put their guns down. Innocent until proven guilty, I guess. Anyway, one of the cops knocks on the bathroom door and yells, "Get a life and stop thinking about C3P0!". The beeping stops. He then asks for Tear-me Bauer's ID, but doesn't need it when he's convinced that she lives here by all the photoshoped pictures in the house.

Jack spends a few minutes having a conversation with like, half the characters in the show, and when he's about to go off driving to investigate, George Mason reveals that he always wanted to be a taxi driver, so Jack gives him some pity and lets him drive.

Britney Spears is still stuck at the house with Rick, and Dan's brother is getting pissed off at the lack of breakable objects. He does finally learn that Dan's dead, and...brakes a lamp. Rick wants to call off the deal, and Mr. I Want to Break Things says, "We can't call it off with the drug dealers. We have to point guns at them and rob them!".

The Palmer family gets into one of those arguments that many people would get into if most families still ate dinner together at a table. The daughter has a two-second long seizure. Ah, the never-ending Palmer drama.

Tear-me Bauer's still trying to get her memory back, so Dr. Russell Crowe turns on a song from Britney Spears' music player. The only memory that she gets back is being in bed the night before with Jack. I have to say, I know I've been picking on him, but Dr. Russell Crowe seems ok. The writers are trying to make him look creepy, but he just seems like a guy that's trying to do what he can to help out this woman that he really cares for.

David's trying to keep the family together, but Sheri's like, "Hey, if you ain't gonna be president, I ain't gonna be some nice-ass wife! Fuck that shit!" Dr. Russell Crowe is talking with Tear-me Bauer about hotdogs and air-hockey. Some friend of Crowe's named Frank arrives to protect her just in case someone tries to kill her, but she decides that she doesn't like hospitals OR guns, so he stays outside. (And I love how this minor character's name is Frank. This won't be the last time the show practically makes fun of the name.)

David Palmer begins a pretty ass-kicking speech which foils Carl and his group's plans. The speech, which includes his concerns with Allstate's stand, will probably meet with praise from the general public. During this, Mason and Bauer arrive at their destination and find a door. Yay.

Well, the deal goes at the slaughter house, and Dan's brother and his friends manage to rip the drug dealers off....until they find that the drug dealers are cops, and they find this out by getting arrested BY the cops. Gap-tooth Larry hugs David after the senator finishes his speech, and finally a small scent of hope enters David as he starts to think that things might turn out well.

Dr. Russell Crowe shows Tear-me Bauer pictures of his ex-girlfriends, but Zee Big Russian Mon finally gets tired of hiding behind trees and shoots (sniggers) Frank, right when the poor guy needs to use the restroom. Russell Crowe only gets a bullet through the shoulder, presumably so that Zee Big Russian Mon can torture him if he has to so Tear-me Bauer will tell him where Kim is.(You know that a character's going to survive on 24 if they get shot in the shoulder.)
Zee Big Russian Mon begins to interrogate the woman, but he gets shot and killed by none other than Tony Almeida. KICKASS. The episode ends with the Palmer family preparing themselves for what lies ahead, Britney Spears going to prison(lol) and a helicopter flying by Jack and George, with Jack saying, "Someone knows we're here.". Not surprisingly, the episode ends on that note.

Of the reviews I've made, this was the most fun, no doubt with help from 9 hours of sleep, a couple of sodas, a steak, and a day off from school. Adam, I hope that your absence will come to an end soon, and if not, I would be happy to do more reviews.

So yeah, to be continued, dah-dah-dah.

Editor's note: Thank you, Spencer- a steak dinner suits you well.  I too hope to crack open a soda, grilled filet, the Season 1 set & get back to what I love- writing about the insanity of Jack's world.  In the meantime- everybody, please keep 'em coming. You're keeping this blog afloat, and I am truly thankful for and entertained by your awesome work.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween!

Here are some pics from my office Halloween party. The group I joined did a Star Wars theme- guess which one I am:

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

24 Season 1: 5PM-6PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's note: BauerLuver is back and bringing the double-barreled awesome sauce that is her trademark!  Thanks for putting together another great review, BL!

Outsourced Review for 5:00- 6:00 p.m.

Hello my fellow 24 lovers! We continue now with the next chapter (or in this case, hour) of our beloved show. Let's give a shout out to Adam for maintaing this wonderful site, and get ready to yell "DAMMIT" along with Jack and co. as we launch into the latest episode.

Previously on 24, we had hot sexy stabbing in the Hilton Head Hotel of Politics, Affairs, and Betrayals. Oh, and some nonsense with Teri losing her mind (we knew it was only a matter of time) and Kim running back to the kid who kidnapped her and on whom she has a crush (don't ask).

Jack decides to play the role of Alexis after a baseball loving terrorist calls him to make a deal. Nina finds Barrabonds (if that's how you spell it) in el hotel suite, and David whines about Jack "putting Elizabeth in danger." David, you're awesome, you know I love you, but it seems at some point on this show, you gotta scream at every character "SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO BAUER!" Now is that time for David. Jack asks for the shirt off the nearest agents back (literally) who, without question, gives it. That's how much these people love Jack. They take their clothes off for him.

Back at Ye Olde CTU, Tony finishes off his 500th coffee in that Cubby Cup, while George yammers on about how they shouldn't tell Jack that Teri and Kim are missing. It comforts me that Tony is at least bothered by this idea, and grunts a moody "Alright" and trudges back to the salt mine.

I can't believe I'm writing these words, but back at Rick's house, Kim somehow concludes that searching Dan's old underwear drawer will help her find her mom. Ter Bear is meanwhile gets the story of her life by this creepo- doctor, who tells her that they used to skip rope in the playground together or some crap like that. I'm torn between "Eew," "This is stupid," and "Keeeeel the wiiiiiimem" in this paragraph.

Sher Bear, I Like Mike, and David gather round for a little chat about the only thing these people ever talk about, the Keith story. Mike and Sherry think the best idea is to bury the recording, but David, of course, doesn't think so. You know, I actually kinda agree with Mike and Sherry.

Jack calls George and Tony to tell them his play-Alexis idea, which they agree is a dandy idea. But Jack being a caring father and husband, wants to talk to Teri and Kim. George lies (BIG MISTAKE) and tells Jack that the girls are sleeping while Tony shoots him dodgy looks. George, I hope you don't value your life too much, because when Jack finds out about this, there ain't gonna be much of you left to bury. Just so ya know.

Jack and Nina take a little tour down Lovers Lane so they can talk more about Teri's knowledge of The Affair. Jack's pretty much like "Sorry that I didn't tell you that Teri didn't know that you and me were getting busy and sorry that she guessed it anyway." Nina's pretty much like "Sorry that I'm so much hotter than her, I didn't know it made her mad." These two are so sexay together, we all know it. Tony gets in a little shouting match with George at CTU, who wants all the latest dirt on this juicy office scandal. Tony gets pissed, and snaps back that he's not the editor of "People" magazine. I think Tony just feels bad that he doesn't get to chill with Jack and Nina in the field.  Instead, he's stuck in the office with Mason, who is too busy in the dirt of "Star" to give a darn about anybody.

David and Keith have even more heart- to-heart as Keith gets prepped for attacks from the media. It's nothing we don't already know, but it's still kinda nice. "You're in good hands," David says. "That's All- I mean, my stand."

The Vampire Cult haf a leeeetle diiiiisscussion about ze wiiiiiimem. Ahhhhndre seeeeeeys that they'de beeeeter be keeeeeled soon, and zeee other duuddde seeeeeeys zat he vill go to ze Baaahuer hooooome to fhhind zem. Ghoooood ideeeeeea.

Kim finally decides that she'd be best taking a leaf out of common sense, and decides to leave Rick's house. I am so paralyzed by the greatness of this statement that I don't even care that they kiss (at least, not that much). However, my jubilation is short lived when Dan's bro Frank barges in to tell them that he's got some kind of deal going down in half an hour, and nobody leaves till it's over. I knew it was too good to be true.

Jack and Nina look smokin' hot as they cruise up an escalator in some sort of outdoor shopping mall. We are then introduced to the greatest jerk so far this season, a dude named Teddy who has a personal beef with Jack over something stupid. This guys smirks, rolls his eyes, and talks back to Jack on just the planning of this most delicate of operations. I have a strong urge to stretch my hands on that flabby neck and squeeze hard. Oh and by the way- he's back-up shooter. Yes, you heard me correctly.

Creepo-doctor has Teri getting undressed in a candle-lit room with paintings of Renaissance women lining the halls. Yes, you heard me correctly. Teri has a "gut feeling" that going to the hospital would be a bad idea, and gets all talky and weepy on this dude. Guys, this is seriously getting weird. Like, really weird.

Fortunately, we are brought back into the real world with Sherry, a woman with a real head on her shoulders, even though said head is being used for nefarious purposes. She embarks on a little secret agent mission of her own, which involves her breaking into a painting safe to get the precious recording. What will she do? As Alex in his last review said, as Lucas said, as Anakin said, "I have a bad feeling about this." Though this, unfortunately, is much worse than buzz droids.

David returns after a commercial break to check on the tape. After all, tapes need to be watered regularly and fed on a diet of milk and honey. But then, Sherry stands up like she's ready to brave a hurricane. "I destroyed it," she tells David, without flinching a tad bit (this is the part where we all go WHAT THE HELL). But get this- David responds "It breaks my heart- but I was right." Turns out, IT WASN'T THE REAL TAPE!! David needed to see how far Sherry would go. And goodness knows, he saw it. My. Gosh. What a hell of a scene!

We are transferred to more awesomeness in the plaza shopping mall, where Teddy is hassling Jack. He explains that his partner's wife hung herself after her husband (the guy Jack busted) went to jail. Jack is nice enough to try and explain himself (I would have screamed bloody murder into the phone) and even helps an old lady into a chair. Gotta love him. It gets to the point where George  has to tell Teddy to take a little time out, count to ten, and be nice to everyone. I'm serious guys, I feel homicidal when I look at that guy. Someone shoot him, please.

Ooouur Seeeeerbian Russsian asssasiiiin keels ze agent gharding ze hause just as Teri and her doctor boy toy are on their way pulling in. Why Lord. Why. Why must Teri put her trust in this doctor guy? (who would take this guy over Jack, anyway?) The other Bauer girl we love to hate is chilling in Rick's casa. Turns out this "deal" that Frank is in is for a supply of ecstasy. But even better- they have no money, because Rick's not brave enough to tell this dude that his brother bit the dust and isn't coming over for the playdate. God help these idiots.

Time for the big showdown on outdoor plaza mall. Out mystery red baseball cap terrorist does show up after all- but figures out that Jack's not Alexis and runs for it. Jack takes off in immediate pursuit, and is almost on him, but that accursed man holding the snipah rifah says that "he'll slow him down for Jack". Jack roars, "DO NOT SHOOT!! I wring wet wash cloths in unadulterated fury as this pathetic excuse for a human being kills their only lead, firing a lethal bullet into the suspect, despite Jack's orders. Teddy, may your crops never harvest and your home turn to dust. The episode eeeeends wiiiith Baheur's whiiife and docctir goiiiing into ze Baheur hhhooome, where Ahhhndree's agent ahvvaits.

Sweet episode. We got great scenes with Jack and David today, not to mention a new level of hatred with "Teddy". Kim and Teri are like the price we pay for these awesome scenes of awesomeness, like a fine or a tax. Let's face it- nobody messes wit the Jackstar. Hope you liked it!

Editor's note: "Sher Bear" is a downright classic. And this entire review is fast-moving and constantly making me smile. Thank you so much!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

24 Season 1: 4PM-5PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's Note: Sorry for the delay, I've been busy resolving some matters non-TJS related (work, work, work!). Alex turns in a truly excellent review this week- I'm very grateful for the hard work and talent he displays here.  Alex- thank you again-- and now, I share his review with you all:

Hey, everyone, Alex here with my reviewcap of 24: Day 1, 4:00 - 5:00 P.M. The episode is classic Season 1: lots of plot development, great character moments, and the right amount of action. So let's get on with it!

Kim is walking and calling for Teri as she looks at a nice view of Los Angeles. I'm pretty sure the Hollywood sign is behind her. Meanwhile, Teri is in a car with Tonya, who tells her that she's never met anyone with amnesia before. Teri says that she doesn't remember meeting anyone with amnesia before, either. Tonya asks her if she comes from money, or if her husband has money. Teri says she has no memory of her husband. I can't believe she just asked Teri about her husband, considering we just spent the last sixty seconds reiterating that she has amnesia.

Back at the Palmer suite, testosterone hits an overload as Jack Bauer and Aaron Pierce meet in the same hallway. Jack and Aaron go over the plan to get to Alexis Drazen, while Elizabeth says she's sorry for ever getting into this whole mess. Aaron tells her it's alright since she didn't know who Drazen was, but throws it back into her face that he's a stone-cold killer. That's what happens when you have testosto-adrenaline running through your veins. You can say stuff like that and get away with it. Jack knows this all too well and starts setting up audio-visual coverage of Alexis' hotel room.

Tonya takes a stab at the health care system telling Teri that there's a hospital near the end of the road, but that she doesn't know how good it is. BAM! Before they can get there, Teri recognizes a restaurant. Tonya says maybe they should keep going, but Teri's lack of remembering also includes a lack of caring what Tonya has going on. Teri says she's going to stay, so Tonya gives her $10 and her phone numero to go and get sushi when she's all better.

Meanwhile, Nina tells Elizabeth that without compromising herself, they need her to act as she always did with Alexis. Elizabeth is uncomfortable with this, as that usually meant being nekkid. Apparently there's no problem being super promiscuous if the guy is nice and buys you fancy jewelry, but the second you find out he's an assassin, it gets "awkward." Palmer comes into the room and tells Elizabeth that she doesn't have to go through with meeting Alexis. Nonetheless, Elizabeth is determined to help take this guy down. Palmer asks to speak to Jack. He's not happy with Jack putting Elizabeth in danger. He's known her since she was born. The man changed diapers and burped her, and says if anything happens to her, he's holding Jack personally responsible.

Kim walks out into the middle of the street and almost undoes all of Jack's hard work trying to keep her alive when a car almost runs into her. She finds a pay phone and calls CTU and tells Tony that the safehouse was ambushed, and that she thinks Teri has been kidnapped again. Tony is blown away, but tries to get Kim to tell him where she is. Kim doesn't want to tell him anything and hangs up. Tony tells Mason what's going on. They send a team to the safehouse, but Mason doesn't want to tell Jack what's going on until the Elizabeth operation is over. Tony disagrees, but Mason doesn't want Jack's emotions to get the best of him and jeopardize the operation. Apparently the lump in his leg from begin tranq'ed at the start of the season isn't big enough to remind him that you don't keep secrets from Jack Bauer.

Jack asks Nina if the operation is ready. It almost is, but Jack loses it with her. She calls him on it, and he apologizes, admitting that the events of the last twelve hours have gotten to him. Nina understands. Just as she's about to leave, Jack asks why she didn't finish debriefing Teri and Kim. Nina thinks she can B.S. Jack, but is called away by other CTU agents. Saved by the (proverbial) bell.

Kim makes a dumb move and calls Rick. She tells him what went down and that she's coming to see him. He protests, but Kim tells him that she'll tell the police everything. She also tells him that he's the only person she can trust, this in spite of him playing a heavy hand in her kidnapping. As a George Lucas script will inevitably say somewhere, "I have a bad feeling about this."

Keith enters Palmer's room and apologizes to him for getting on his case. He says he knew Palmer was trying to protect him. He plays Palmer the tape he made of his conversation with Karl. Palmer asks for the tape, and Keith hesitates, but Palmer asks him to trust him. Enter the ticking clock!

Alexis calls Andre and tells him that Palmer is staying in L.A. Andre and Alexis have a discussion on the merits of women. Andre says that they can't be too careful and wants Alexis to kill her after they have their rendezvous. Alexis doesn't look to happy with that, but I have a feeling that he's going to be a professional.

In Alexis' suite, Jack goes over the final details of Operation: Lover Betrayal with Elizabeth. He tells her not to worry, they have complete audio-visual coverage of the hotel room, and gives her a code phrase to say if she wants him and other agents to come in and lay the smack down. She can tell that this is what he really wants, but he tells her if she can stomach sparing Alexis, there's a tracker they'd like her to place on him.

At the restaurant, the manager arrives and talks to Teri. He's surprised that Teri doesn't remember anything. He mentions her "doctor friend," but Teri doesn't recall anything about him. He just happens to know the number of the hospital said doctor friend works at, and is going to give him a call. Meanwhile, Jack and Nina go over the final portion of O:LB before it kicks into high gear. As they do, Jack confronts Nina about why she's holding something back from him. Nina tells him that Teri figured out she and Jack were involved with one another during their marital hiatus. (That ridiculous amnesia storyline may work in someone's favor after all!) As Jack takes personal responsibility for what's happened, Alexis arrives back at the hotel. He gets ready to meet with Elizabeth by drinking some mouthwash or vodka. It's really not clear which it is, as the monitors are pre-HD.

Elizabeth knocks on the door. He doesn't answer, so she tries to ding-dong ditch him. Just as she's about to go, he shows up. He tries to tongue-kiss her (so forward!) but she's apprehensive. She tries to talk work with him, but he's only interested in one thing. That thing that girls are always told guys are after. You know what it is. Anyhow, she sends him for some vodka, and she tries to go after his wallet. She finds it, but drops the tracer. She can't get it back into his jacket before he gets back, so she stuffs it in hers. They talk for a bit, and Alexis tries to find out what the deal is with Palmer. Elizabeth persists that she is out of the loop. He wonders why someone so smart is kept out of the loop. Elizabeth apparently spells "smart" S-M-R-T, as she tells him he has no idea how intelligent she is since most of the time they've spent together has been in bed. Alexis is taken back, but she covers for herself by asking for some food. While Alexis goes for the room service menu, she plants the wallet back in his jacket.

But then something happened that the Ring did not intend. It wasn't a Hobbit, but rather love. Alexis tells Elizabeth that he's fallen for her as Jack clears the SWAT team from the hallway. He places the call to Elizabeth, while Alexis tries to whisper sweet nothings into her ear. She ignores Jack's call as she tells Alexis to tell her that he loves her again. He walks right into it, and tells her that she loves him, too. Jack calls again, and she ignores it. She asks him to order her food, and moves towards the desk. Jack and Nina wonder what is going on as she picks something up. The image is blurry (I thought the government was something like 20 years ahead of the rest of society. You'd think they'd have HD monitors even ten years ago!), and it takes them a minute to realize it's a letter opener! As Alexis comes up behind her, Elizabeth turns and stabs him right in the gut. Jack takes him down as he enters the room, and tells Nina to call a medic.

Kim arrives at Rick's house. His BFF GF answers and ask just who Kim is. Rick tries to cover, but his girl is wiser than she seems. Rick comes semi-clean, and tells her that Dan screwed things up the night before, and Kim is trying to find some people Dan knew. Meanwhile, Teri's doctor buddy shows up and talks to Teri. She's a little jumpy as he moves towards her, but he seems to calm her down.

Jack talks with Mason as he cleans up. Mason isn't too happy since the plan went down in a hand-basket. Jack tells him that it's not like he was exposed to radiation, and that Alexis has a 50/50 shot. Just then, Palmer comes in, demanding to know what happened. Jack tells him that Elizabeth stabbed Alexis. Palmer says that she must have been defending herself. Jack says that's not how it was at all, and that, quite frankly, he'd never put himself in a position to get stabbed in the gut. Palmer finds Elizabeth who apologizes for what happened. Jack tries to calm Palmer down, but just then Drazen's phone rings. Nina asks Jack what they should do. Jack says they need to take a chance. He answers and makes plans with Drazen's contact to meet up.


All in all, pretty good. The only complaint is the ridiculous amnesia storyline that plagued Season 1. But other than that, the episode is pretty solid. Thanks for your time. See you again soon!

Thursday, October 07, 2010

24 Season 1: 3PM-4PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's note: BauerLuver brings it, people. Kneel before BL!

Hey peeps, BauerLuver speaking! Happy to yet again review the greatest show ever devised by mankind, known to us as 24! This episode is filled with cars, startling revelations, and amnesia. So, on that happy note, let's fasten our seat-belts and get this baby rollin'!

Agent Chesty, named so for his voluminous chest hair, has just been strangled by super-unnamed-bad-man with a piece of yarn. After Jack yells his name over the phone for like thirty times, he concludes that the guy is probably dead, and calls a funeral home to make preparations. Milo barges in to tell him that "Johnny Cool Guy", one of Palmer's suspected assassins, is Alexis Drazen, one of Victor Drazen's sons, and also an excuse for Elizabeth to make frequent family stops everywhere on the campaign. I wonder where her Grandma really lives...

Speaking of which, ole Johnny Cool calls his blushing lover, where she relays that its cool to "hang out" at four thirty. Real smart, this girl.

Back at the not-so-safe house, Black Guy and White Guy (sorry Spencer, I must use those nicknames, I love them so much) are sitting around waiting for their inevitable doom, and from the looks of it, it might be pretty soon, because some construction dudes are acting kinda weird with walkie talkies. Teri and Jack have a quick little conversation revealing how troubled Teri is about her new found knowledge of Nina and Jack, but she still doesn't tell Jack about the baby news or even that she knows about The Affair. You know what Teri needs? A good friend, that's what. Feel kinda sorry for her right now. Oh, and back at the hotel, everybody's favorite secret service agent shows pictures of the assassins after Palmer. Guess who made the list? Ole' Johnny Cool, that's who. Explain this one, Elizabeth.

Kim is lying her puny head off to Nina about Rick. This is simply beyond stupid, if you ask me. You gotta flex your daddy's genes, girl! Anyway, Teri us giving Nina the cold shoulder, and decides to start getting questioned again. This to me is pretty bold, since she's talking to her husband's mistress. (Editor's note: Sounds like an episode of TLC's "Sister Wives" to me!) David tells Jack about Johnny Cool and Elizabeth, and flinches marvelously at the word "intimate". Kinda ironic for Jack, doncha think...

Kim calls (guess who) Rick on her phone to tell him that she's tired of covering for him. I could scream like a banshee at these two, but I won't. (Editor's note: The Kim/Rick relationship is probably the most ridiculous writing this season, but hey-- it's California!) Teri and Nina are having an itchy scene, where Teri ends up saying "things tend to get complicated when you screw your boss". No argument there, Ter Bear, but you could have said it nicer. Nina decides she's sick of arm-wrestling with these two idiots and feels the time is ripe to say adios. Go back to the real job, Nina. a.k.a. screwing people you work for. (Editor's note: Hey! She *hearts* Jack Bauer! Give that leggy broad a chance!)

And guess who's back at CTU, folks? George Mason walks in on Jack changing to get a slice of the pizza pie that Teri and Nina are currently sharing (Editor's note: More food!!!). Jack decides it would be a good idea to use the 4:30 meeting with Johnny Cool to their advantage-- get the upper hand in this mess, and see who Mr. Cool works for. Surprisingly, George doesn't argue for that long. And people say miracles can't happen...

One minute, David and Keith have enormous smiles on their faces, laugh, and promise each other that they'll be there for each other until the Judgement Day. Next minute, they're mad again, about David's decision to hold back the Ferragamo story, and talking in "outdoor voices" (or at least Keith is). Boy, I wish Kim and Keith could meet, they'd be best friends! " 'Hey Keith, let's totally ignore what the adults tell us to do because we know better, especially given the great choices we've made in the past!' 'Ok, Kim! And by the way, you're hot.' " (Editor's note: Keith Palmer is the world's dumbest person. I wish a thousand miserable days upon that character. David, ask for a paternity test, bro.)

Creepy Vampire Serbian Dude calls Andy Drazen (I mean Andre) to say that he found the girls. Oh boy. Just when I thought we were done with "the women are in danger" storyline...

Jack is accessing files with Milo. Milo tends to keep his head down, probably due to his iron ore earrings dangling hypnotically from his ears. Jack tells Milo to watch for charging rhinos, slippery snakes, and worst of all, MOLES. W-what? A-a mole in CTU? Who ever dreamt up such foolishness? Yeah, I wasn't surprised either.

Keith decides to take matters into his own hands. A great idea, considering he did such a swell job the last time. He gets Nicole to stall so he has time to escape out of a hotel window using a rope ladder he made from dirty sheets. 24 kids truly are a different breed!

Weeping Beauty Elizabeth arrives at CTU and decides to go along with Jack's idea of espionage for higher purposes. She has a little cherry red nose, a gushy sob story about how she met Johnny in a bar, and a definite streak of bravery. Perhaps this might explain why the words "she's so dead" are rolling around in my head like marbles!

Death has come for White Guy. While Black Guy interrogates the ladies, CVSD (Creepy Vampire Serbian Dude) shoots a friggin' harpoon in him! He might have been dead from the start, but a warm little place in my heart has just become cold because of this...
Guess what? The safe house is hit. Black Guy decides to check on his buddy, leaving Kim to comfort Teri, who is feeling a little off. CVSD kills White Guy (yes him too) but not before Momma Bauer and Lil' Kimmy run to and escape in a car that is somehow miraculously unlocked. CVSD chases them on foot, until he finds a sweet ride he can hijack (also miraculously unlocked).

Nina has returned to CTU just in time to tell Jack that Teri and Kim are as cool as cucumbers. She decides to hitch a ride on another little field trip to the hotel with Weeping Beauty and Jack. However, at the same time, Teri and Kim cruise down a mountain pass while being chased by CVSD! At one point, Teri thinks they have lost their creepo-Serbian-terrorist-stalker. She decides to see if the coast is clear. But the car, with Kim still in it, starts hurdling down the mountain faster than you can say "Grigorovich." The car hits the bottom, and bursts into flame. Good. Gravy. This is too much for Teri, so she decides that tasting some dirt might help her troubled nerves.

Carl and Keith meet on Telescope Terrace. They talk dirty, with words like "death", "frame", "coverup", "story", and "your father" coming up frequently in their conversation. The conversation ends with Carl huffing off looking to ruin more peoples lives. But wait, there's more! Looks like Keith does have a grain if sense in him, because he taped the whole conversation. First smart thing he's done in seven years. Carl, you're going down!

Teri deems that dirt tastes nasty, so she gets up to graze somewhere else. Then comes the weird part. Don't ask me why, don't ask me how, but somehow, Teri has amnesia. (Editor's note: Shark gets jumped here!)  Of course, a Good Samaritan decides to pick her up and give her a ride, leaving me to ponder this strange plot twist. Somehow, Kim survived the car blowing up, and a beautiful Sean Callery musical piece plays as she climbs up the mountaintop, ending the episode with her shouting, "Mom! Mom!"

I don't really know how I feel about this episode. Good, I guess, and better than the last one, which was all sex, no violence (I like it the other way around). But this episode just had a strange ending. I mean, come on, amnesia? I am eager to see the 4:30 meeting with Johnny next episode, though!

May Bauer be with you. Always.

Editor's note: BL, thank you again for a fantastic job- I love the nicknames, the detail, the whole thing was awesome. And you're 100% right, the amnesia angle is all sorts of ridiculous and it takes a lot to accept even given the crazy shit Teri suffers through. She becomes a human pin-cushion at some point, and I think this is where it happens.  Whatever can go wrong with a person will happen to Teri by the end of this season...

Monday, October 04, 2010

24 Season 1: 2PM-3PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's Note: My writer's strike continues (not for long!) and coming back for a second bite at the fruit called "The Jack Sack" is the loquacious Spencer. He uses big boy language and lays down metaphors like a deluge of chubby rain!  Enjoy:

Hello ladies and gentlemen, it’s Spencer again. I’m standing in for Adam, who’s uh, so going to continue reviewing this season….whenever the fuck he feels like it. (Editor's note: Dude, I'm right here! I can hear you!!!)

Seriously though, Adam, I can’t thank you enough for giving me- and us- this opportunity to review some episodes. It’s just more proof, if anyone actually needs it, of you’re awesomeness. (Editor's note: Alright, curse away you charming fucker).

Anyway, the hot hottie of hotness is engaging in “romantic activities” with the terrorist/pervert/liar we met two episodes ago. It’s funny, because they’re having sex and he actually think he’s worthy of this girl. Seriously, when I think of the hottest women in 24, I think “Renee….Kim…”, and then this girl, the hot hottie of hotness, or HHH.

Tony’s trying to stall while David wants to see Jack. Almeida’s like “Can I get you anything?”, and Palmer’s like “Stop stalling.” Then, Tony calls Chappelle and is like “Uh, I can’t stall anymore,” and Ryan‘s like “Ah dammit, you didn’t say something that would allow me to act like a big enough dick. Oh, wait a second, never mind, I got it! Ahem- well, until I know more, I don’t want to put those two together,” and Tony’s like, “Alright." (Editor's note: This is sounding like an episode of "Gilmore Girls!").

Nina’s driving Kim and Teri to the safe house, where Teri tries to ease her daughter’s worries about her stomach aches, saying that it was “Just a cist burst.” I’m sure that everyone that watched this episode for the first time were thinking, “Man, is there the slightest chance she’s not pregnant?” Meanwhile, in a very underrated moment of the show, Jack gets rid of all of the day’s stress in seconds by screaming at Maleficent.

Drazen and the hot hottie of hotness finish having sex, and when she’s about to take a shower, Alexis keeps trying to be nice to her, which pretty much makes him the most evil character on the show. At CTU, Palmer’s still trying to see Jack, so he talks Chappelle’s mom into calling him, and the call goes a little like this;

“Who is this?”

“Who else would be calling you? It’s your MOTHER, Chappelle!”

“Uh, mom, I’m working at CTU. We can’t really talk right no-”

“Don’t you DARE talk to me like that, Chappelle! Remember who you’re talking to!”

“Wha- what do you want?”

“David Palmer has just informed me of you keeping him from talking to someone. Now let the man do what he wants, or I’ll GROUND your ass again, CHAPPELLE!!!”

“Oh-god-oh-god, alright, don’t worry about it, mom!”

Anyway, David gets to talk to Jack, and it’s a nice little conversation. They laugh, have a few drinks, yell at each other since Palmer thinks that Jack’s trying to kill him. David’s like, “I know Allstate’s stand, but I’m not in mother fucking good hands until you EXPLAIN yourself!”, and Jack’s like “Man, I really wasn’t trying to kill you!”, and David’s like, “Oh.”

Black guy(who’s name probably IS black guy) sees Teri and Kim’s approaching car and says, “Alright, my imminent death should happen very soon- I mean, um, alright, they’ve just arrived at the safe house.” The women all get out of the car, and we get introduced to Black guy’s partner, White guy. I wonder if they were getting impatient for their imminent deaths. Nina explains to Jack’s family that these two men have worked with Jack for many years and that they’re two of CTU’s best. Alright, writers, we already KNEW that they were going to die, you really didn’t need to make it more obvious to us. Damn.

Black guy and White guy ask Nina where she wants them, and she says, “One in and one out.” Now Nina, you’re not talking to Tony and Jack.

Palmer and Bauer begin to figure out what’s going on- though still unaware of who’s ultimately behind this. They contact a man who was involved in a two-year old operation with both of them- Barney Gumble, and the three of them start doing research. (24, can someone die?)

HHH finds out that her planned flight to Nevada might not happen, so she immediately calls her boyfriend/sex toy/terrorist and lets him know. But Alexis is sitting with Andre Drazen, so it turns out that he’s a h- Ohhhh, they’re brothers.

Teri finds out that she’s, in fact, pregnant, and she tells Kim, who gets upset, because…Ok, for once I don’t like Kim. But Teri explains how Kim should try and understand what she’s going through and that being pregnant is scary. Hell, I understand that. Any Bauer that’s pregnant should be scarred shitless of their baby cutting his/her way out of their stomach. Teri, just know this; When you give the kid a bath, DON’T DRY IT OFF WITH A TOWEL.

Milo comes in and Barney needs his login id and password. You see, Milo’s important! But a guy comes in the bar that Barney’s in, and Gumble gets his gun ready. However, it turns out that he just wants a beer.

Teri and Kim are eating (Editor's note: It seems like Season 1 was really the only season where characters were consistently eating, didn't Nina have a pierogie back in the beginning of the day?), and Nina needs to question Teri about what happened, while Kim calls Rick, and he’s like, “I don’t have a rich family. Feel sorry for me.” Other than that, I can understand how he’s afraid of going to prison for life. Seriously though, Rick’s not THAT bad of a character. Consider this; if Kim were in his position, she probably wouldn’t last a day, and that is WITHOUT cougars, pedophiles, animal traps, blond-obsessed women-abusers, and anything having to do with cars. (Editor's note: You could put Kim in a room filled with only cotton balls and band-aids and she'd still find a way to almost die).

While researching, David starts to talk to Jack about his thoughts, and when he mentions his family, Jack tells him that it’s not easy being a part of a family in anyway. This is probably the defining scene of the episode. But David has to leave, so he gets Jack reinstated for the day. Back at the safe house, Teri finds out that Jack dated Nina and almost loses it. Ouch.

Barney Gumble goes to the restroom, and guess what- he gets strangled to death. I have no doubt that eventually the police will come in and the bar will be investigated. Man, why can’t people just leave bars alone?

Well, that’s my review of the episode. I will say this, though; I can’t help but find it unique because it seems like one of the few episodes to have a theme and a message to it, and it’s about the hardships of being a family member. Episodes with messages is not something that 24’s known for- sure, there have been seasons with themes and messages, such as season 3 and season 7, but not episodes. For 24, this is odd, but not unwelcome. Thanks again Adam for letting me review this episode. I look forward to seeing the next reviews.

Editor's note: Spencer, thank you for another great review. I really appreciate the hard work you've put into this one- and it gives me a sick sense of satisfaction that you and others know firsthand how much time it takes to do one of these reviews.  But again, I am thrilled with the results!

Who's next?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

24 Season 1: 1PM-2PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's note: This is the 3rd in our outsourced reviews series. Tonight, we get the mastermind of the outsourced project's very own work and it's quite excellent.  Alex, thank you for your contribution and your leadership- you've helped keep this site going and I am truly grateful.  

Jack and his family ride in a helicopter back to CTU. (Editor's note: don't you mean the CHOPPAH?)  Finally cracking a smile, Jack asks Teri and Kim if they’re okay. They say that they are and land on the ground. Teri has some stomach pain, and Jack asks if she’s okay. She says she’s been feeling ill for the last couple of hours. Jack offers her some Pepto-Bismol. Teri prefers Pink Bismuth, so they settle on Teri and Kim going to the hospital.

Before they land, Alberta asks a question she should have had an answer to before she even asked it. Nina rolls her eyes at this, which throws Alberta into a fit. As soon as Jack’s family is clear, she tells him he is under arrest.

Jack asks Nina to make sure his family is okay. Nina tells him that Green has her polishing her extra shoes, but Jack tells her he doesn’t care and that he’s pretty sure Tony has nothing better to do. Jack is taken to an interrogation room and asks for some water.

Nina B.S.es with Alberta, who tells her she can smell B.S. from a mile away. Nina says that she is going to look after Teri and Kim. Greene says it’s cool, but that Tony needs to drop everything he’s doing and cover for her. I’m beginning to wonder why Tony puts up with this?

Palmer goes over some numbers with his assistant. He wants to make sure he’s still primed to wipe the floor with his Democratic colleagues. David and Sherry have a heart-to-heart, where Sherry tries to get him to cover everything up. David tells her that people financing his campaign are blackmailing him, which sets Sherry in an uproar. She can’t stand that someone other than her got David to do exactly what she wanted. David tells her that “this is what happens when you try to cover things up,” and Sherry tells him that since he dropped out of the Seminary, he has no right to preach to her, that’s what her rabbi is for.

Teri and Kim arrive at the hospital wearing CTU-issued Snuggies. The doctor wants to get an ultrasound on Teri, but she says it’s nothing, just the microwave burrito she had at 11:55 the night before. Kim says she ate the last burrito at 10:30, and is dismissed. Teri admits to what happened at the compound, and the doctor arranges for Teri to be taken care of.

Mike tells Palmer he needs to meet with a couple of other Senators in order to get some extra support. Palmer doesn’t want to be seen with them, but Mike assures him that he’s in good hands. Palmer says that sounds like a good campaign slogan, and puts Mike to work with promoting it in all states. Mike mentions that he’s afraid the business with Ferragamo is getting to him. Like Batman, Keith drops from the ceiling and asks what’s up with the doctor. Palmer says that there was a fire in his office. Mike leaves, and Palmer says he’s sorry, but that Ferragamo burned alive. Keith, still on his Batman high, puts the pieces together that Ferragamo’s death is linked to Palmer’s campaign. Palmer and Keith go at it and Keith breaks down. David tells him that he needs to trust him, and that they can’t go to the police yet.

Back at CTU, Chappelle walks in. Ominous music plays behind him. He says hi to Tony, who plays it cool. Milo quits Facebook-stalking some sixteen-year-old named Nadia for a minute and asks Tony what will happen to Jack. Tony says that they won’t name a street after him, but it’s possible he’ll get a dedicatory statue. Chappelle and Jack start a recorded interrogation.

Nina arrives at the hospital and goes to Teri’s room. Some guy is poking around, and says he’s with the FBI. Nina shrugs it off and finds Teri and Kim. Teri is surprised to see Nina, who then introduces herself to Kim, who puts down her Cougar Town coloring book before she says hello. Everyone asks when they can see Jack, and Nina tries to pound it through their heads that a lot of crap has gone down and that things aren’t so simple. Teri thanks Nina for helping save them and tells Kim that they’ll probably see Jack soon. Nina returns to Teri’s old room, only to find that the FBI agent is gone. She finds an FBI Agent and asks to speak to her partner, but he isn’t the man she saw in the room earlier. Nina asks if anyone else is there, and the Agent says no. Nina asks if she’s sure, and the Agent asks if the Pope is Catholic.

Jack explains why he did what he did, and Chappelle says that any loving father would indeed grab a gun a storm a compound like a one-man army to save their family. Nonetheless, he says that CTU protocol must be followed, and since Jack forgot to cross his T’s and dot his I’s, he can’t be reinstated. Jack tells him that’s a load, and that Palmer is still in danger, and that he can help. Ryan says maybe, if the Justice Department doesn’t sauté him with a little jail time. Nina calls and tells him that she thinks there might be another mole in CTU, effectively clearing her of all suspicion. Jack says he thinks so, too. Jamie spent too much time playing Freecell to do what she did on her own, and they think that there may be more going on than they realize.

Green asks Tony what’s up. Milo quickly logs off of this Nadia girl’s Twitter page and pulls up some spreadsheets. Tony tells Green that they suspect three other shooters have come to Los Angeles in order to carry out the Palmer hit in case Jack failed.

Right at that moment, a guy is spying on something other than California Gurls. We see that it’s Kevin Carroll, with a bang-up nose job. He calls Andre Drazen, and tells him that Gaines is dead. He tells him that he told Gaines his plan was flawed, and that he can fix Gaine’s problem. He hangs up on Kevin, just as Peeping Tom detonates a bomb hidden in Kevin’s desert garage. Tom asks him if there’s anything left in his truck, but Kevin tells him to eat rocks. Tom shoots him. BANG!

Green and Tony discuss whether Palmer should stay in Los Angeles or not. Tony says that Palmer needs to bail like a crowd at a Kevin Federline concert. Green likes Tony’s style and tells him that she thinks he can do better than being #3 at CTU. She wants him to sell Jack out.

Alberta goes to Jack’s interrogation room where the man finally has a chance to eat. Never missing an opportunity to screw something up for Jack, Green interrupts his meal. She tells Jack she needs to question him, and Jack says he needs to speak with his family first. She says that can’t happen and Jack tells her to stuff her pleasantries. They go on with the questioning, pleasantries stuffed.

Nina calls Tony and has him send over someone to get prints off of the phone that FBI Agent Phony McCreepy touched. She thinks he’s bogus and wants to prove it. This proves without a doubt that Nina is a force for good in the world.

Back at Palmer HQ, Keith and Sherry duke it out. He tells her that they can’t cover up Ferragamo’s death. She demands to know why not, and Keith says that while covering up an accidental death is totally cool, out-and-out murder isn’t and something needs to be done. He says he’s going to go to the police, and Sherry says that she’ll have Secret Service drop him. She says that he needs to understand and respect his parent’s decision while giving him the Donald Trump “you’re fired!” hand. David comes in and tells them that they family needs to leave California because of additional threats. She asks where they’re going and he tells her that they’re going to Nevada where they can enjoy booze and gambling. Sherry tells Keith that he’s too young for either, but that he’ll have a fun time at Circus Circus.

Chappelle calls Tony in for his statement on Jack’s actions. Ryan puts the pressure on saying that Tony’s testimony may decide whether Jack stays, or if charges are pressed. Tony gives a chuckle and then becomes a man worthy of that soul patch when he tells Ryan that Jack may not be his favorite person, but that there’s no way he’d disapprove of anything Jack’s done. Ryan drops a brick in his pants and realizes Tony’s checkmated him three different ways.

In Palmer’s motorcade, Mike tells Palmer that he’s found out who Jack Bauer is. Palmer realizes this is sensitive material and leans in closer to Mike to ensure that Keith and Sherry don’t hear. Mike, however, doesn’t get the clue and talks at the same volume, totally ruining the moment. Palmer then does the exact same thing, but Sherry pretends not to know any different, so it’s all cool.

Back at the hotel, Palmer’s assistant, Elizabeth, tells some of the other staff she’s going to catch a later flight so that she can spend time with her family in California. They don’t think anything of this since she does this in every state they visit. Lady has a huge family. Anyway, she goes to room 1243, and Peeping Tom opens the door! What?! Elizabeth used Grandma as an excuse to shack up with Tom! GRANDMA! I don’t know what this lady’s deal is, but this just hit me like a letter opener to the gut.

Back at the hospital, Nina debates the merits of capitalist medicine vs. socialized medicine while the forensics guy dusts for prints. He tells her he’s an anarchist and doesn’t care, and that no prints were on the phone. Nina says that’s bogus and that she saw the guy handle the phone. He thinks that she may have seen a ghost, and gives her the number of a paranormal investigation crew. She asks if it could have been a professional, and he says that’s also a possibility.

Green continues to grill Jack, while Nina calls. She wants to move Kim and Teri to a safe house immediately. Alberta goes along with it.

The doctor tells Teri that she had a cyst that ruptured, hence her stomach pain. She says it’s possible that Teri is pregnant. The doctor and Teri discuss girly things, but it’s not as uncomfortable as you’d think since they’re both women. Nina comes in and Teri thinks that she’s come to join the party, but Nina’s really come to crash it. She says that they need to go to the safehouse now. The doctor says that they were just about to paint each other’s nails, but Nina says they can do that at the safehouse. Everyone leaves, but the doctor says she’ll have to come after she finishes with all of her other patients. Everyone is very saddened by this, but a girl’s gotta pay the bills.

Nina thinks she sees Agent McCreepy, but he bails before she can get a good glimpse at him. He calls someone presumably creepier, and says that the girls have left. Ominous music swells.

But hey, it’s not over yet! David Palmer enters CTU. As people notice, they try to find they’re Palmer campaign signs and a Sharpie. Tony rolls his eyes at this, gets up, and goes straight to Palmer. He asks him if there’s anything he can do for him. Palmer realizes that this is a man worthy of the soul patch and tells him he’s there to see Jack Bauer.

1:59:57 – 1:59:58 – 1:59:59 – 2:00:00

Editor's note: I usually like to chime in and interrupt these reviews with my wisecrackin' but as I read (and re-read) this review, I wanted to make sure I didn't mess with its excellent rhythm. And this is Chappelle's first appearance- epic in the history of this show. It seems like the higher the writers went up the CTU ladder, the bigger jerks they found to obstruct Jack and his mission to save the day.  

Alex- thank you for your review and I hope you, BL, Spencer and others write more soon. Thank you all!

Friday, September 24, 2010

24 Season 1: 12PM-1PM Outsourced Retro Review

Hey everyone, it's BauerLuver (no not my real name) picking up from Spencer's marvelous review. The following takes place between lunchtime and late lunch time. Events occur in fake time (jk).

That blasted car is on fire, and Gaines and his goons are yelling nonsense and running in various directions trying to accomplish something. Jack, the only one on this show with a healthy amount of common sense, drags that Rick kid into the forest, who apparently was shot in the arm making a get-away (like I care). He tells Jack "I'm slowing ya down" and Jack wittily responds "yeah you are, so speed it up, will ya?" I love Jack for saying things like that! Bet he was a basketball coach or something at Kim's high school! ("one more lap!" "NO PLEASE HAVE MERCY COACH BAUER!") Teri and that charming daughter of hers run in the woods, trying to get to some water tower, but the path is blocked and the only other way deviates from protocol (a.k.a. Jack's orders) but the girls decide it's worth the risk and take off into the forest, where the wild cougars roam, oh wait-

Anyway, back at the ranch (C.T.U.) Nina gets all worried that Jack's not answering his cell. She tells her latest conquest Tony about being a little "harsh" since this all got started. Tony responds "a little?" Too true Tony...I cant help but wonder what she's like out of the office! To bad this show only covers a day... And just when Nina starts saying something that I wanted to hear the answer to, Queen Green (Editor's note: That's an awesome nickname!!!) barges in and tells them to look in Grandma Jamie's dental records or something, and the two lovebirds go to do Her Majesty's bidding. Ah, the pleasures of the modern day office.

David and Mike sit in their limo, going on and on about Ferragamo's death. Mike wants the story stopped but David wants it  to be released (I think) so that he can control how it gets out. Nothing we don't already know.

Gaines calls the vampire dialect person, whose name is revealed to be Drazen. He proceeds to tell Daddy York that the only way they will live is by doing the will of these people, which begs the question "why?" Why would you choose to make millions assassinating black men and their defenders when you could get the money finding a cure for cancer, or benefiting the good of mankind? I don't get it, but that's just me. Jack performs a medical examination of Rick, who is just hunky-dory and guess what? The Bauer ladies are lost. Shocker.

Back at the Hilton Head campaign hotel, Sherry tries to get all "it's all for the greater good" on David. I must point out Penny Johnson Gerald's acting because it is excellent, and well as Dennis Haysbert's. Yet, he doesn't give in, not yet, and I am left to ponder how on earth this perfect couple is dissolving like like a bug in a Venus fly trap. (sorry that was a gross analogy). Moving on...

Jack calls CTU for back up and then proceeds to give a little life lesson to Rick, probably just to shut him up from droning "I didn't know any of this was gonna happen..." yeah, ok we get it, kid. You've only told us twenty times. Jack then proceeds to get his gun, and scour the forest for Teri and Kim, who, meanwhile, take shelter in a run-down shack. Just when Suzuki is about to blow them into next Wednesday, Jack moves from behind and takes the baddies down in true Bauer fashion. Oh, and Teri keeps having those weird stomach problems. Probably ate a bad eggplant or something.

Tony and Nina then take it upon themselves to interrogate Mrs. Vaseline, or whatever her name is. She's Jamey's mom, and after Tony gets all "yer daughters a traitor" on her, she weepily confesses that Jamey gave her large deposits on her bank account. The person I really feel sorry for is Kyle because everyone uses mentions of him to get Jamey's info! Poor kid.

Mike is so sick of hearing the Keith murder story that David goes over to Moreen Kingsley's hotel room to yammer on about it there. But guess what? Carl's minions are threatening her too, so she's left the network. So much for that. Sorry David, and sorry Mike.

After Gaines throws a mini temper tantrum, Tony and Nina have a little lunch date working on Grandma Vaseline's files...at their computer. Seriously, my mom always tells me never to eat by the computer, and government agents get to? The Cubs Mug also agrees with me, as it was seen holding a little vitamin water. Bon appetite.

Jack, Teri, and Kim find themselves surrounded by sniper rifles, so Jack decides to go turn himself in to Gaines, who "wants" him. He's not the ooonly one... oh wait, that's a little inappropriate...
Jack goes running into the woods, taking shots like Lindsey Lohan at a Christmas party. He also slides down leaves. Uber cool! (Editor's note: Hey! We've all got problems... Jack and Lohan more than the average person, but it's a fine line between being a responsible citizen and doing lines of ya-yo off the back of a donkey in Tiajuana!)

David Palmer is visited by none other than Carl, who has that perpetual weird smile on his face. He proceeds to tell David after being pressed against a wall that if David goes forth with the story, he will twist the story around to make it look like Keith was behind Ferragamo's death. Wait, I'm confused- there are to many people blackmailing other people! And speaking of people, who are these "people" Carl keeps referring to, and how did they get all this power? I Like Mike comes in to tell David that the DA is waiting to hear what's wrong, but David changes his mind. "I'm running for president," he says. "And I'm going to win."

Finally, that backup has arrived to pick up the girls in a chopper, but not before Kim makes the stupidest move ever and runs back into the woods to find Rick. Rick, meanwhile, got to the road and hopped on a bus to nowheresville. Will these people ever learn?

Jack has finally found Gaines and even offered to protect him, but he disagrees and tries to pull a quick one on Jack. Jack, of course, is way better than this and kills Gaines. The head banana is dead, or is he? Before he died, Gaines confesses something about Belgrade. Might this be a new lead?

And finally, after thirteen hellish hours, Jack and his family are safe and sound on a chopper to CTU. The Sean Callerey music is ablaze as the "choppah" (Editor's note:GET TO THE CHOPPPAH!!!! I love it!) whisks them into a blissful reunion in the sky. But wait...this isn't over yet, because a SECOND hitter on Palmer just came from Transylvania- I mean Yugoslavia, to do more evil terrorist things. All is good in the world of 24...for now.

Overall, I thought this episode was very much like the last, but still pretty good. I'm just glad that his family is rescued so we can move on to bigger and better things. Like this new baddie. I hope everyone enjoyed the review, and thanks to Adam for giving me this awesome opportunity to review television (something I've never done before) and above all, running this incredible blog! (

(Editor's note: Thank you for a fantastic review- I really enjoyed reading this, BL!)

Monday, September 20, 2010

24 Season 1: 11AM-12PM Outsourced Retro Review!!!

Editor's note: Before I hand off the proceedings to our guest columnist, Spencer- I want to thank everyone for their enthusiasm and willingness to take part in these retro reviews. While Spencer starts out his review by saying I may not want to continue writing reviews, I want to stress that is not exactly the case- I am not writing reviews for the near-term but I will be back sometime soon. But in the meantime, I have you guys to thank for your contributions.  Tonight, we get the twelfth hour of Season One-- what did you think of it, Spencer?

Hey everyone, it's Spencer. In case you didn't know, Adam here has decided that he may not want to continue reviewing this season (Editor's note: see my explanation above!). Yes, we're all sad. I mean, how can anyone not be sad? This is the same guy who knew that Richard Walsh deserved a postage stamp. However, sometimes, when there's a problem, there's an opportunity, and Adam has generously given us all the chance to review some episodes in his place, and we decided that the person who'd review this episode would be me. I hope that this doesn't turn into a complete disaster and that you will all enjoy this. So without further writing filler- er, important information, I present to you my review of episode 12.

"The following takes place after the episode where Jack Bauer threatens to make Ted Cofell's organs look like they're having a picnic. Shit happens in real time"

Jack is driving to where his family are being held captive with instructions from Kevin, and asks how much farther they'll have to go. Kevin says the deal was that he'll take him to his family....which apparently answers the question, and Jack says "The deal is you better hope that my wife and daughter are still alive, that's the deal." If you've seen at least a season or two of this show, you know that this is something only Jack Bauer would say, granted, maybe with a little less emphasis and psychotic lust than, say, in season 8, but ya get what I'm saying. Also, I've seen this season a few times now, and I gotta say...I really hate Kevin. Yeah, I know, we're not supposed to like him, but he's so stupid. If you gave this guy a baseball bat, he'd probably try using it as a condom.

Anyway, while this is happening, Maleficent is giving the people working at CTU info that we the audience either don't need to know or already know. She tries to be nice while doing this, and I swear to god, you should watch/rewatch this scene, because you can easily see the disgust in her face as she does her best to admire every one's efforts. I don't know who this actress is, but if she did this on purpose, she deserves an award. After Maleficent finishes tormenting herself, Tony and Nina talk to each other about Jack. Tony kinda wants her to alert Maleficent of what's going on, but Nina remains dedicated to her ex-bf, and tells Tony that he doesn't need to help her cover for Bauer, to which Tony replies by saying, "I'm not doing this for Jack.". I'm sorry, but who exactly is this guy? I don't know much about him, but he's a complete ass and, speaking as someone who's seen the whole series, I can tell you that he's never seen or mentioned again in any of the next 7 seasons. (Editor's note: HA!)

Teri and Kim, after hiding Eli's body under some rusty bathtub that I'm sure would never draw any attention if someone tried to look for him, contemplate how they're going to survive this. Teri tries to lecture Kim about what happened, and, I'm not kidding, how killing someone that raped her and tried to kill them both made her feel sick, but Kim reminds her that she's Jack's daughter and doesn't have those types of emotions, and is like "Look woman, you came from a different family, but I have my dad's genetics as much as I have yours.". During this, Eli's phone starts to ring, and Teri tells Kim to "Cover up the blood with hay.", which, for some reason that will never be discovered, Kim interprets as "Cover up the blood with hay."

Jack's still making progress on getting to them, and there's a shot of him driving that'll give you a migraine in 2 seconds. Nina calls him and tells him that he'll have to either avoid or shoot a dozen or so men, which is the equivalent of telling him to eat a cupcake. Nina wants to tell Maleficent everything so she can help, but you see audience, if that happened, Jack would look less like a bad-ass hero. After the call, Jack forces Kevin to become the driver so they can go through the guarded entrance, while Kevin pitifully tries to dissuade him from this.

Palmer is sitting in his limo, looking sullen. He knows Allstate's stand, but he's not sure if he's in good hands. Mike Novick is with him, tired and depressed that he can't find any holes in the ground to sleep in. He asks the senator what's wrong, and David tells him that Carl will stop the Kingsley story from coming out by the source of it, Faragamo, being "cut off", and is worried that something bad could happen to him. Mike thinks he's being paranoid, and when Palmer tells him that he tried calling him twice but only got his voicemail, he gets pissed at him for exposing himself in such a way, and I have to say that I don't necessarily blame the guy. If David's really brave and a little impulsive, Mike's the opposite.

Kevin manages to get passed the entrance and continues driving for a few minutes before they stop and Jack starts asking questions. Kevin acts like a 5-year-old getting a shot, acting as uncooperative as possible and asks Jack if he thinks that rescuing his family will make up for how he screwed up his marriage. Yes genius, try to provoke the guy that's pointing a gun at you. He then tells Jack that Teri's felt lonely and as a result almost gets his head stuck in the steering wheel. Wow, isn't this guy so smart? Jack continues to ask questions, and Kevin tries to fight him or something like that, but Jack's like, "Ha! I know crappy Kung-fu, too!" and hits the guy about a hundred times. This ends up knocking him out.

Faragamo finally gets Palmer's calls and calls the senator back, and guess what? He turns out to be an absolute douche from doucheland who is completely unable to interpret what anyone says into basic English. I really hate the guy and hope that he di- and guess what? He gets his non-English speaking ass blown up, no doubt by Carl. Palmer gets to see the building himself and now wants to confront Carl on it, while Mike tries to play stupid with him and keeps saying, "Maybe it was an accident." (Editor's note: a classic 24- moment- I absolutely love it).

Jack is getting closer and closer to the exact place that Teri and Kim are. At this point, the audience will realize something that might surprise them; The season's only half over, and Jack's actually going to rescue his family. In most shows, this would've probably been at least about 20 hours of Teri and Kim being stuck in the little hay house while Jack battles constipation, but this isn't most shows- this is 24, and it's not season 8, so things are actually going to progress through the season.

And this is the moment that everyone's waiting for- Jack finally finding these damn women. Teri almost shoots him in the head by accident, but that's forgivable. However, if she had a knife instead of a gun, and Jack was wearing glasses- never mind (Editor's note: Awww, you zinged Renee Walker! Heh, funny how the show repeats itself). But Jack sees them and is all nice and huggy. Rick opens the door, wanting to be accepted by someone, and Jack's not all nice and huggy. However, he agrees to let him help them escape, during which Teri begins to have stomach problems. Teri, of all characters, having "sniggers" stomach problems this season?

Tony and Nina are still playing....World of Witchcraft, and Maleficent is pissed off because of her earlier attempt at being nice, and she is now left with an extra period, so naturally, she tries to fuck up everything by interrogating each of them until one of them tells her where Jack is, but Jack calls in time to tell her where he is so that CTU air-support can come and be just slow and useless enough for him to kill all the bad guys. All appears to be going well until Kensuke Miyagi finds Kevin, tied up in seatbelts rather than smothered to death, which would've been faster and easier.

Jack and the gang try to escape by van, but get into some trouble with Ira and his men, which is....pretty much Jack's fault. He could've just killed Kevin to prevent him from telling Gaines everything, but, ya know, then the episode wouldn't have a big action-packed ending. Anyway, Kim and Teri run away to safety, while Jack and Rick shoot people. Guns are fired, terrorists die, and there's a big explosion. What more do you want to know?

And that's the episode for ya. Definitely not a bad one, even if the writing's a little weaker than usual. One thing I will say is that I don't know how Adam sets up his reviews, but I had to rewatch some of the scenes in this so many times that I think I know the lines by heart now. Alright, end transmission.

(Editor's final note: Spencer, thank you so much- you did a great job. You're right, watching the videos and reviewing them requires a lot more than just 60 minutes of viewing- scenes have to be re-played, paused, etc. It's a lot of work and I am honored by your performance. I can't wait to see what the rest of the gang comes up with next!).

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Where are you, Jack Bauer?

I've had Jack Bauer on my mind since 2005.  Lately, he's taken a back seat to other things.

Let me start off by saying this isn't an announcement that this site is closing its doors. I'm not done cracking wise about the world of "24."  But lately, I've been overwhelmed by some amazing but drastic changes in my life.  Lately, I've sat down to write about "24" and I found I have little to add.  And then I think about other things I want to write about and I find myself also at a loss for words.

I'll confess something to you all- writing is my therapy. It's not that I work out my problems through writing, but the act of communicating with you is something I find cathartic. I really have benefited from having this outlet over the years- through tough times and many personal travails. So, here I am at a high-water mark in my life-- I have a life that is by no means perfect or "done" but I've been on a winning streak since May that has been ridiculous. I'm content right now- I'm not restless and I'm not "working shit out" through my writing.  To be painfully blunt, I feel like I've become stale in my happy state.

Maybe this is the beginning of a state of unrest that will motivate me to write something interesting again-- the calm before a new storm.  That would be great (for my writing, at least), but it's too early to say. I still have a lot to say, but I'm trying to figure out how to transition my thoughts into something interesting (and maybe even humorous).

Comedy is a charm game- I've been wooing you for years now, trying to get you to laugh and like me. You've been extremely generous in your praise and loyalty, and I am truly grateful for your kindness. But I've done the Jack Bauer schtick for a good while now- and while Jack is still a worthy subject of humor, I'm looking for something new to add to the discussion here.

The cool thing is that this is my site and I can focus on anything I choose.  But I also want to engage you, not lose you to videos of cats engaging in acrobatic feats.  Hey, come back!

You may be reading this and thinking "Okay, so what's he saying?"  I'm not saying much, and that's the problem!  I'm like Billy Joel during the time around his An Innocent Man album- what the deal with that guy? He married Christie Brinkley and wrote songs about absolutely nothing!  So, here I am, adjusting to a good life where I've been conditioned for so long by chaos.  Ah, we should all have these problems, eh?

So, I'm taking a knee- sitting out the next play or two to gather myself for the next effort. I'll probably wander about for a few days and return with a piece that is completely unanticipated. Ideas are simmering in my head, but I can't find an angle on it yet. I hope I have something worthwhile for you soon.  One thing is certain- I am not coming here to fill space and give you mediocre effort. I respect you too much to waste your time.

Feel free to weep and tip over your tables in disgust in the meantime.  The comments section here has given this site a whole new (and entertaining) dimension.  But all I ask is for your patience as I figure out my next moves here at The Jack Sack.


Monday, August 30, 2010

24 Season 1 Retro Memorial: The Richard Walsh Postage Stamp

Long overdue, but promised nonetheless, I give you Richard Walsh's very own entry into postage Valhalla:

Nope, I didn't write tonight's retro review. I drank bourbon and made a picture instead. Aye, t'was a long day in the salt mines, my friends. The review will be coming quite soon.

Monday, August 23, 2010

24 Season 1: 10AM-11AM Retro Review

What is genius, I ask you?

In my estimation, it's seeing something no one has ever considered before- something that is divine in its beauty and simplicity. For example, take a simple hand towel. For most of us, we look at the hand towel as a (wait for it...) a towel you use to dry your hands. Enter the genius that is Jack Bauer. He looks at a hand towel a little differently... and it's the scariest friggin' thing you could possibly imagine.  But more on that in a bit...

Ted Cofell is a smart guy in his own right. He makes a lot of money and he spends it well, on bullet-proof limos and private jets waiting to take him out of town at a moment's notice. Unfortunately for Ted, his limo isn't Bauer-proof.  But Cofell isn't an easy man to break, according to Jack. I don't know where Jack gets this notion-- to me Cofell is kind of a wimp. But in Bauer we trust. Jack calls Nina and asks her to slap together an interrogation package. Yeah, bro, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

Back at Gaines' Rancho Del Muerte, the Bauer girls are sitting on stacks of hay, reminiscing over cups of Celestial Seasonings about the days they were free from all this terror nonsense. The lighting is soft- it feels like it's been sunset in this friggin' barn for the past 4 hours. Does Ira Gaines operate in some trans-dimensional realm? Is this show being shot on a soundstage? Mind. Officially. Blown. Anyway, sensitive kidnapper Rick comes by to tell the girls he's really sorry about how stuff is going, but that he's still unable to help them escape. Thanks, Rick- can you maybe find another way to be useless? I bet you can.

Jack gives Nina practically no time to Google the guy and read his Linkedin profile, but nevertheless she provides Jack with a pretty good psychological profile on the fly- Cofell is left-handed,  he cheats at cards, he only dates women from Wayne, N.J. and he cuts his own hair with a flowbee. All of this means he's scared of clowns. Jack Bauer, be a scary clown, Nina says (I think that's what she said, I was eating these chocolate covered pretzels during this scene and the crunching sound kind of cut out some key pieces of dialogue).

Before we go any further, I want to point out something nutty-- at 10:13AM Jack parks the limo, gets out and starts rolling up his sleeves, staring at Cofell through the window menacingly. The show cuts to break and comes back at 10:17AM and Jack finally gets into the back of the limo to start the interrogation. What was Jack doing with his sleeves for 4 minutes? What terror did Jack cause this Cofell guy with his fashion alterations? Did Jack take off his business shoes and throw on some tennis shoes a la Mr. Rogers? Did he wash the limo and wax it? We've seen Jack to two loads of laundry in a commercial break, but he can't open up a car door in that span of time? It's funny, I tells ya!

Now, what was that stuff I was saying about genius earlier? Ah, yes- the hand towel. So, it goes like this: Jack takes a hand towel, pours a bottle of water over it and ties a knot off of one end. As he does this, he tells Cofell about gulags in Siberia and how the Soviets didn't have electricity or indoor plumbing, but what they did have was an appreciation of simple pleasures- like stuffing hand towels down the throats of their prisoners. But Yuri, you ask, how can a prisoner tell you what he knows when there's a hand towel stuck in his throat? Wait, you impatient capitalists! There's more to this towel process! So, as the towel is accepted by your digestive tract, your stomach begins to slowly digest the end of it, but that's when your captor pulls the towel back out of your throat, taking the stomach lining with it! In Russia, towel digests stomach, da? Yikes. Well, the good part is you don't die instantly. The bad part is you die over the course of a week, and it's a painful death, not the kind where you can eat ice cream and party in Vegas with showgirls and mountains of cocaine (by that calculation, Oliver Stone's been dying for the past 30 years, but I digress).

Bauer makes his plan known, but Cofell throws him a curveball- he makes Jack open up Cofell's wallet and look at a picture of Ted's wife and two wonderful children. You have a family too, Ted? Dammit! That blows the whole interrogation plan out the water. Now, what is Jack supposed to do with this perfectly useless hand towel?

As this goes on, Andre Drazen arrives at Gaines perpetually Michael Bay-lit compound to tell Gaines that he's off the case. Gaines whines about how he's going to find Bauer and Drazen relents, giving Gaines 30 minutes to get things back on track, otherwise it's all about killing Kim and Teri and moving onto a contingency plan. Rick hears this and runs off. Meanwhile, Drazen opens up his stylish 2001-era cell phone and starts speaking some vampire dialect to someone. Oh boy, Jack has to contend with some Ann Rice-type villains now?

So, Jack takes the limo to another location, to have Cofell meet one of his associates- Kevin Carroll, hopefully giving Jack a new angle on the man who may (according to Nina) be the wrong Ted Cofell altogether. Jack gets Ted to a parking garage, jumps into the backseat and suddenly Ted attacks Jack with a Microtech Halo knife. This tells me this is the right Cofell. And then the right Ted Cofell starts speaking vampire too! Holy shit, Jack, do you have a crucifix and some garlic knots in that limo? This shit just got real... scary. Well, Cofell's eyes turn blood red and Jack tries to give the guy some meds to reverse the vampire transformation, but it's too late, Ted "dies" and Jack loses his only lead to finding Gaines' compound. Maybe the Wolfman will show up and help move the plot forward.

Enter the Wolf himself, Kevin Carroll, or should I say Alan York? Oh man, what a plot twist. I love this stuff- the evil Alan York, the fake one who killed the Zombie Janet York, shows up to meet with Cofell. Jack traps Kevin/Alan in the back of the limo, does some stunt driving and then smashes Kevin's face into the bulletproof divider by slamming on the car's brakes. And then Kevin and Jack enter into a pretty elementary lesson on contract law. Generally, a contract must consist of an offer to do some act and acceptance by another party of said offer. A bilateral contract is one where both parties exchange offers and they each accept the other person's promise. Jack and Kevin make a bilateral contract- Jack promises to let Kevin go if Kevin leads Jack to his family's location. Kevin doesn't accept Jack's promise at first, and this offends Jack because he gave Kevin his word. Jack reiterates that he's giving his word, and Kevin rolls his eyes and says "Yeah, yeah, okay, relax with this giving your word nonsense! I accept your promise to let me go. We have terms!" Jack then throws in a remedies clause- this is what you put out there if the other party breaches the contract. If Kevin fails to bring Jack to his family, Jack gets to find out how good Kevin is at withstanding pain. Kevin wisely does not offer his own remedies clause as Jack is the one who has the gun. In a negotiation, we call Jack's gun "leverage."  Ah, can you tell what I do for a living?

Meanwhile, Gaines' 30 minutes are up and Eli (the rapist) is sent to kill the Bauer girls. Lucky for them, sensitive kidnapper Rick slipped Teri a pistol earlier in the episode. As Eli comes into the barn to rack up a few more felonies, Teri (after a failed first attempt) gets her act together and shoots Eli... twice,  Kim's like "Woah there, big momma, take it easy" but then Teri tells her "Easy nothing, sugar- I had to shoot this cat twice, the bad dudes outside this barn are waiting to hear two gun shots, ya dig?" Pretty good scriptwriting, right? These 24 writers are dyno-mite!

Overall, this was a great episode- a connection between David Palmer and Jack Bauer was revealed as well as some badass thing called "Operation: Nightfall." You tell me that has nothing to do with vampires! Great plot twist. (I'm so confused!).

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

24 Season 1: 9AM-10AM Retro Review

Man, it's tough to die on "24" if you're a 90 lb. woman! First, it took a horde of rabid alpacas to finally dispatch Janet York to the afterlife (it was a deleted scene on the DVD, trust me) and now we have CTU moley mole Jamey exhibiting faint signs of life, despite losing all of her freakin' blood. Is this some bizarro universe where waifs wander the countryside, scaring the living crap out of everyone and where Natalie Portman is the world's strongest human? Where the heck am I going with this?

Anyway, Jamey is carted off to get some vital fluids, and Nina breaks it to the gang that their co-worker tried to commit suicide. Everyone seems mildly upset for about two seconds except Milo, who suddenly starts freaking out quietly. You can see him thinking "Crap, am I going to crack next? Who will inherit my Warhammer soldiers? What's sex like?"  But before Milo can even start to weep openly, Nina closes up the worst pep-talk in the history of middle management by saying "We all have to get back to work... now." Yeah, thanks, temporary boss. Well, Tony took her speech to heart and brings over some of Jamey's personal belongings for new leads but Nina suddenly doesn't care about going back to work- she wants Tony to take care of Jamey's son instead. "Tony, can you resolve all of this kid's future psychological damage in 5 minutes while I freshen up? Thanks!" 

The only person keeping the entire Federal government on point is... you guessed it, Jack Bauer. Bauer, fresh off his catnap with the alcoholic waitress, is driving around the neighborhood, trying to find his way out of the LAPD dragnet. He calls Nina, who's reading a copy of "Grief Counseling for Dummies" and asks her to give him some help in getting out of the area. Nina is 99% useless but somehow Jack doesn't yell at her. Maybe it's because he shot her a couple of hours ago and he's trying to not push things too much? Or maybe he's still into her? Courtship among borderline personalities is so tough to predict. I half expect Jack to throw a knife at her next time they're in the same room- ya know, just to let her know he still cares.

Well, Jack's lovely wife, Teri, snagged a cell phone off one of Ira Gaines' goons and puts a call into CTU for help. Teri, you've been calling CTU all night and into the morning- where has this gotten you? You're better off calling the Mongolian Navy! (That's a geography joke, go think about that one). Nina patches Jack into the phone call but before he and Teri can catch up on their awesome day, the goon returns, looking for his phone, which Teri has suddenly hidden.  While the line remains open, we can hear the goon repeatedly yell "bitch" and this makes Jack punch the steering wheel of his car. This is drama, folks! Nobody calls Teri the "b" word, ya dig? Wait 'til he finds out about the other stuff the goon did to Teri... yikes.

The Palmers have their 500th fight over whether to tell the public that their son pushed a dude out of a window after he raped the Palmer daughter. Even Mike Novick is becoming bored with this shit. All I can say is that David Palmer better start smoking a cigar and talking to a baseball bat real soon, otherwise I'm giving up on his entire storyline.

Nina is playing Minefield on her computer while Tony and Milo are doing everything to put together the pieces of this whole assassination plot. As this goes on for a few minutes, we learn that Jamey died (there goes my Natalie Portman theory, oh well!) and then Teri calls back to remind everyone that she's still being held hostage with Kim.  Nina patches Jack back into the phone call and suddenly the LAPD show up, forcing Jack to pull an old move he learned watching "World's Wildest Police Chases" on FOX.  The cops get out of their car, and walk alongside Jack's car but before they can ask him for his license, registration and PBA card, Jack guns it and leaves them scrambling to get back to their cruiser. I want to point out in this scene the awesome camera work and the well-staged shot when Jack pulls his move. The camera shows Jack in the foreground and stays with him as he speeds up, showing the cops disappearing in the distance. It's not a green screen! It's a real stunt! And it's 100 times better than anything I predict we'll see in a few seasons on 24 (retroverse still intact! Barely!).

Jack quickly finds a parking lot and parks his car and rolls under some other vehicles to hide for a few minutes. It's during this time that he starts multitasking- evading the cops and talking to Teri about the millions of ways they're going to ground Kimberly when they all get out of this mishegoss. Ira's goon comes back to the barn and finds his cell phone, and discovers that Teri's called for help. He (stupidly) talks into the phone and asks who's there. Jack responds with some trademark badassery that makes me warm and fuzzy with vengeance. But the good has the upper hand- he starts getting rough with the Bauer girls and Jack is left powerless to stop it from happening.

Instead, Jack decides to hot-wire the most unreliable vehicle in the lot- some 25 year-old sedan. There are a couple of movie-logic ideas behind the shitbox getaway car-- 1) it's an easy car to hot-wire because there's no on-board computer or alarm system. That I can buy. 2) The car is cheap, we can wreck it in a chase scene and it will cost the production a whopping $400. That I can also support, based on the fact that I only like to drive cars in this price range in real life. If you wreck it, it's no big deal- just walk away and get another beater.

And then we have what I call "The Emperor Moment"-- remember seeing "The Empire Strikes Back" for the first time and Vader has to take a call from some dude purporting to be his boss? I watched it thinking "Who the heck tells Vader what to do?" It's a bit of a letdown- to see an otherwise evil badass have to grovel at someone else's feet. Well, Ira Gaines gets a call from some dude in a private jet that, based on his accent, comes from a land where they talk about luxury automobiles constantly. This Drazen fella talks about David Palmer and Jack Bauer like he knows the guys personally. Plot thickens yet again! New characters! New motives! Gaines is suddenly rendered an errand boy. Interesting- I generally like this sort of twist, but let's see just what this new guy's looking to accomplish. Just stay away from trying to make a new Hans Gruber here. There's only one Gruber- and he's a permanent part of an LA sidewalk thanks to Detective John McClane.

Milo cracks an email off of Jamey's computer and this gives Jack a new lead to follow- the terrorist money guy named Ted Cofell. It looks like Ted went to Colgate and likes money- this makes him automatically evil in the world of 24. Rickey- please respond at your leisure. As Jack ventures off to choke some sound investment advice (and the whereabouts of his wife) out of Ted, yet another arrogant bureaucrat walks into CTU, this one is named Alberta Green (sounds like a locomotive, not a paper-pusher). Alberta is the interim head of the LA office now. Yay, more infighting and inefficiency. Even Milo can't believe the writers are pulling that old trick again.

Jack gets to Ted's office just as Ted is leaving to catch a plane to anywhere-but-here. Ted makes it to his limo and the car ferries him away. Or so he thinks! Jack's behind the wheel of the limo (fancy footwork, right?) and I believe we're going to learn of some novel interrogation techniques in the next episode once Jack gets the limo to a safe, private place (sorry, retroverse be damned, I love the next episode too freakin' much!!!). Until next time...