Thursday, October 07, 2010

24 Season 1: 3PM-4PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's note: BauerLuver brings it, people. Kneel before BL!

Hey peeps, BauerLuver speaking! Happy to yet again review the greatest show ever devised by mankind, known to us as 24! This episode is filled with cars, startling revelations, and amnesia. So, on that happy note, let's fasten our seat-belts and get this baby rollin'!

Agent Chesty, named so for his voluminous chest hair, has just been strangled by super-unnamed-bad-man with a piece of yarn. After Jack yells his name over the phone for like thirty times, he concludes that the guy is probably dead, and calls a funeral home to make preparations. Milo barges in to tell him that "Johnny Cool Guy", one of Palmer's suspected assassins, is Alexis Drazen, one of Victor Drazen's sons, and also an excuse for Elizabeth to make frequent family stops everywhere on the campaign. I wonder where her Grandma really lives...

Speaking of which, ole Johnny Cool calls his blushing lover, where she relays that its cool to "hang out" at four thirty. Real smart, this girl.

Back at the not-so-safe house, Black Guy and White Guy (sorry Spencer, I must use those nicknames, I love them so much) are sitting around waiting for their inevitable doom, and from the looks of it, it might be pretty soon, because some construction dudes are acting kinda weird with walkie talkies. Teri and Jack have a quick little conversation revealing how troubled Teri is about her new found knowledge of Nina and Jack, but she still doesn't tell Jack about the baby news or even that she knows about The Affair. You know what Teri needs? A good friend, that's what. Feel kinda sorry for her right now. Oh, and back at the hotel, everybody's favorite secret service agent shows pictures of the assassins after Palmer. Guess who made the list? Ole' Johnny Cool, that's who. Explain this one, Elizabeth.

Kim is lying her puny head off to Nina about Rick. This is simply beyond stupid, if you ask me. You gotta flex your daddy's genes, girl! Anyway, Teri us giving Nina the cold shoulder, and decides to start getting questioned again. This to me is pretty bold, since she's talking to her husband's mistress. (Editor's note: Sounds like an episode of TLC's "Sister Wives" to me!) David tells Jack about Johnny Cool and Elizabeth, and flinches marvelously at the word "intimate". Kinda ironic for Jack, doncha think...

Kim calls (guess who) Rick on her phone to tell him that she's tired of covering for him. I could scream like a banshee at these two, but I won't. (Editor's note: The Kim/Rick relationship is probably the most ridiculous writing this season, but hey-- it's California!) Teri and Nina are having an itchy scene, where Teri ends up saying "things tend to get complicated when you screw your boss". No argument there, Ter Bear, but you could have said it nicer. Nina decides she's sick of arm-wrestling with these two idiots and feels the time is ripe to say adios. Go back to the real job, Nina. a.k.a. screwing people you work for. (Editor's note: Hey! She *hearts* Jack Bauer! Give that leggy broad a chance!)

And guess who's back at CTU, folks? George Mason walks in on Jack changing to get a slice of the pizza pie that Teri and Nina are currently sharing (Editor's note: More food!!!). Jack decides it would be a good idea to use the 4:30 meeting with Johnny Cool to their advantage-- get the upper hand in this mess, and see who Mr. Cool works for. Surprisingly, George doesn't argue for that long. And people say miracles can't happen...

One minute, David and Keith have enormous smiles on their faces, laugh, and promise each other that they'll be there for each other until the Judgement Day. Next minute, they're mad again, about David's decision to hold back the Ferragamo story, and talking in "outdoor voices" (or at least Keith is). Boy, I wish Kim and Keith could meet, they'd be best friends! " 'Hey Keith, let's totally ignore what the adults tell us to do because we know better, especially given the great choices we've made in the past!' 'Ok, Kim! And by the way, you're hot.' " (Editor's note: Keith Palmer is the world's dumbest person. I wish a thousand miserable days upon that character. David, ask for a paternity test, bro.)

Creepy Vampire Serbian Dude calls Andy Drazen (I mean Andre) to say that he found the girls. Oh boy. Just when I thought we were done with "the women are in danger" storyline...

Jack is accessing files with Milo. Milo tends to keep his head down, probably due to his iron ore earrings dangling hypnotically from his ears. Jack tells Milo to watch for charging rhinos, slippery snakes, and worst of all, MOLES. W-what? A-a mole in CTU? Who ever dreamt up such foolishness? Yeah, I wasn't surprised either.

Keith decides to take matters into his own hands. A great idea, considering he did such a swell job the last time. He gets Nicole to stall so he has time to escape out of a hotel window using a rope ladder he made from dirty sheets. 24 kids truly are a different breed!

Weeping Beauty Elizabeth arrives at CTU and decides to go along with Jack's idea of espionage for higher purposes. She has a little cherry red nose, a gushy sob story about how she met Johnny in a bar, and a definite streak of bravery. Perhaps this might explain why the words "she's so dead" are rolling around in my head like marbles!

Death has come for White Guy. While Black Guy interrogates the ladies, CVSD (Creepy Vampire Serbian Dude) shoots a friggin' harpoon in him! He might have been dead from the start, but a warm little place in my heart has just become cold because of this...
Guess what? The safe house is hit. Black Guy decides to check on his buddy, leaving Kim to comfort Teri, who is feeling a little off. CVSD kills White Guy (yes him too) but not before Momma Bauer and Lil' Kimmy run to and escape in a car that is somehow miraculously unlocked. CVSD chases them on foot, until he finds a sweet ride he can hijack (also miraculously unlocked).

Nina has returned to CTU just in time to tell Jack that Teri and Kim are as cool as cucumbers. She decides to hitch a ride on another little field trip to the hotel with Weeping Beauty and Jack. However, at the same time, Teri and Kim cruise down a mountain pass while being chased by CVSD! At one point, Teri thinks they have lost their creepo-Serbian-terrorist-stalker. She decides to see if the coast is clear. But the car, with Kim still in it, starts hurdling down the mountain faster than you can say "Grigorovich." The car hits the bottom, and bursts into flame. Good. Gravy. This is too much for Teri, so she decides that tasting some dirt might help her troubled nerves.

Carl and Keith meet on Telescope Terrace. They talk dirty, with words like "death", "frame", "coverup", "story", and "your father" coming up frequently in their conversation. The conversation ends with Carl huffing off looking to ruin more peoples lives. But wait, there's more! Looks like Keith does have a grain if sense in him, because he taped the whole conversation. First smart thing he's done in seven years. Carl, you're going down!

Teri deems that dirt tastes nasty, so she gets up to graze somewhere else. Then comes the weird part. Don't ask me why, don't ask me how, but somehow, Teri has amnesia. (Editor's note: Shark gets jumped here!)  Of course, a Good Samaritan decides to pick her up and give her a ride, leaving me to ponder this strange plot twist. Somehow, Kim survived the car blowing up, and a beautiful Sean Callery musical piece plays as she climbs up the mountaintop, ending the episode with her shouting, "Mom! Mom!"

I don't really know how I feel about this episode. Good, I guess, and better than the last one, which was all sex, no violence (I like it the other way around). But this episode just had a strange ending. I mean, come on, amnesia? I am eager to see the 4:30 meeting with Johnny next episode, though!

May Bauer be with you. Always.

Editor's note: BL, thank you again for a fantastic job- I love the nicknames, the detail, the whole thing was awesome. And you're 100% right, the amnesia angle is all sorts of ridiculous and it takes a lot to accept even given the crazy shit Teri suffers through. She becomes a human pin-cushion at some point, and I think this is where it happens.  Whatever can go wrong with a person will happen to Teri by the end of this season...

45 comments:

Brittany said...

OH MY GOSH! They're on to the AMNESIA bit already?!? How have I missed so much of this entire season!?! Gah!!!
I am so not on the ball.
But YOU guys SO TOTALLY are!!!
Enough with the exclamation points. Way to go. :)

Brittany said...

Hah - May Bauer be with you!

Indeed.

Spencer said...

Great review, BL! Very funny!

BauerLuver said...

Thanks guys!! I had a blast writing this one, and I'm glad y'all enjoyed it!!
And in case I didn't make myself clear, I mean, amnesia???
Like, why?? Can't Teri get kidnapped or something? Why amnesia??

BauerLuver said...

So glad you're back, Brittany, I love your views on stuff! And yes, feel free to call me a kid. I am one, after all :D

BauerLuver said...

And thanks for the praise Adam!! Before I write my reviews, I like to look back to some old articles here and get inspired by the genius that is you :)

Dietcoke said...

Can I just say how much I love all this outsourcing stuff? You guys are great!

I also want to say a great big thanks to Adam for keeping this blog alive. Bloggers have fans too.

I was a big fan of Benny's Blog and visited it daily. She closed the site and didn't even attempt to think of her readers. Okay, I took it personally...I got Kiefer to take a picture holding a sign that said "Hello Benny and Benny Blog Girls." Do you have any idea how embarassing that was?

Bless Kiefer's heart, he just laughed and said "oh, sure."

Anyway, thank all of you guys for keeping Adam's site alive and thank you Adam for keeping it going!

Brittany said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spencer said...

Dietcoke, damn you. You're so lucky.

Spencer said...

I'm happy for you and all, but...dang.

Uh, um, ya know, me and Carlos Bernard have the same birthday!

BauerLuver said...

@Spencer- Haha really? D'ya know how old he is? And thats awesome Dietcoke, I would probably pass out if I got within ten feet of KS!

Dietcoke said...

Yep, folks, I met frakin' Jack Bauer! It was at the Redemption premiere in NYC. I got to attend the VIP event prior to the movie. Yep, me and six other people.

Kiefer is the nicest, sweetest guy that you can imagine. He's so LITTLE! His eyes are as intense as Jack Bauer. I got lost in them.

When he hugged me I went completely numb in my lower body. That's right, I had a full-body hug with Kiefer frankin' Sutherland!

What a delightful evening. I'll never forget it.

BauerLuver said...

WHAT!! You were HUGGED by KS!!!! WOW!!! That is just amazing!!! And he's little??? Dude, that is just something else.

Were any other actors there?? Like from 24??
My mind has just been completely blown. You are one lucky duck!!

Spencer said...

Yep coke, that's PRETTY sweet.
And BL, he's turning 48.

Dietcoke said...

Yes, I was one lucky duck. No getting around that. Kiefer is so adorable. I felt very honored to get a chance to meet him. Did I mention I got a full-body hug? ;-)

I had a one-on-one conversation with Howard Gordon. I was going to the restroom before the movie started and there he was standing by himself so I jumped on him. (Not physically but you know what I mean.)

Howard is a very charming man. I spent some time visiting with him at the season 8 premiere too. He tried to sneak us into the after-party. How cool is that?

I met Mary Lynn and got pictures with her. She is SO beautiful in real life. She's very "Chloe" in that she was a bit awkward around fans but super nice.

I spent some time visiting with Cherry Jones too. She is way thinner and younger in person. She was just adorable too.

I gotta say, all the 24 people I've met are just terrific. Dang, it must have been fun working with those people.

Alex Getts said...

I'm staking a personal claim on the next episode. Just FYI. If that's okay with you guys.....?

Adam said...

Go forth Alex! Godspeed!

Dietcoke said...

You go Alex. I look forward to it!

Brittany said...

Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh. *freaks out*

Dietcoke, it sounds as if you've just about lived my dream. HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU PULL ALL OF THAT OFF??? (No seriously, I want to know. Is it job-related? Please dish, or I will bring it up again.) Adorable little Kiefer (I'm pretty small myself so that doesn't phase me), awkward Mary Lynn, Cherry Jones and even HoGo (who I'm still mad at but what the heck).

I... -I mean I can't... -I can't even remember how to form a complete sentence right now.

And as if all that wasn't enough...

You got hugged by Jack Bauer.

JACK F*CKING BAUER.

*dies*

Brittany said...

*comes back from the dead just long enough to say...*

@Spencer - And BL, he's turning 48. Um, AHEM. I don't see what world you could possibly be referring to in which this little detail is even remotely problematic. In any way, shape, or form. At all. Period.

*dies again* <--(ha, that just reminds me of an overdramatic 5 year old playing dead but lacking the attention span to stick with it :) )

Spencer said...

I have to say that I really like how everyone's talking today. We should keep this up.

Hey guys, you know what I did last week? Have sex with Elisha Cuthbert. Ah wait, that's probably not realistic enough.

Spencer said...

@Brittany- I don't understand what you mean. I just think it's cool that me and Tony have the same birthday.

Brittany said...

Oh, I get you now Spencer. You're saying Carlos will be turning 48. That is cool that you share a birthday. Tony is the bomb. (I thought you were talking about Kiefer - I'm not obsessed w/him, just Jack Bauer, so Idk how old he is - and I was commenting that 48 isn't old at all.)

All good! :) (Except next time I get on here I swear I gotta talk about the review! I was just derailed by that celebrity anecdote and had to go off about it.:))

Dietcoke said...

Bless your heart, Brittany. I got to go to the Redemption premiere thanks to a lady I got to know on the FOX board.

She wanted someone to give a story about the event on Benny's Blog. She knew I was from NYC.

So she and a few other ladies put their money together to bid on the event. They won! I got to go!

They were all so nice, it was such a pleasure. While I have issues with Howard Gordon and how he handled certain things, I think he is a very nice man.

BauerLuver said...

Dang he's 48? He looks like 30! How do actors stay so young!?

Dietcoke said...

Carlos looks very young. Good DNA.

BauerLuver said...

Woah that is crazy...he's two years younger than my dad... Heck, he could BE my dad!!

Alex Getts said...

FYI, I may be a couple days before getting my review done. Going to a preview screening of RED tonight, but I could get it knocked out tomorrow or Wednesday?

Spencer said...

@Alex- Take your time, man.

Spencer said...

I'm 16 now. Sooner or later I won't be able to run away from getting a job and driving. Adam, can I borrow some of your scotch?

Adam said...

@Spencer- the funny thing about scotch is that when you borrow it, the stuff you've got left to return is a far less appealing liquid. You can HAVE some of my scotch, my friend. Enjoy! (in 5 years).

BauerLuver said...

While we wait for the next review, a thought occured to me. There is no way in HELL they would kill Teri now that she's preggers. So I guess she'll be sticking around for season 2.

Brittany said...

Oh, yep. Totes.

:)

Alex Getts said...

Hey, guys. Sorry I've been slow getting the next review up. I think I can get it done and submitted to Adam tomorrow. Thanks for your patience. :)

BauerLuver said...

Yeah take your time, Alex. The suspense makes the episode even greater!

BauerLuver said...

Yeah I knew you'de be happy Brittany, we all know you have a thing for mrs. Bauer! And while she's not exactly perfect, she's not a bad person and even quite admirable for a good portion of the time (although this amnesia nonsense does not qualify)

Spencer said...

BL- Yeah, and I'm starting to get worried that Nina will get killed off. She's so likeable.

BauerLuver said...

True...and she would be the obvious choice to kill because she's so close to jack and shes hot (and let's face it, they never let the hot ones live)

Dietcoke said...

Spencer they would never kill Nina off. She's Jack's sidekick and his connection to the inside of CTU. That's just not going to happen.

BauerLuver said...

Hey guys, for planning purposes, does anybody know when the next review will be up?

Alex Getts said...

No idea when it'll be posted, but probably soon(ish)? I sent it in yesterday.

BauerLuver said...

Good!! Adam, whenever you're ready....

Brittany said...

Adam has a life now.

;)

Adam said...

Alex's post is coming tomorrow. Sorry for the delay- I've been completely overwhelmed by work. Thanks for being patient!

BauerLuver said...

A new review would really make my night, just so u know...

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