Editor's note: BauerLuver brings it, people. Kneel before BL!
Hey peeps, BauerLuver speaking! Happy to yet again review the greatest show ever devised by mankind, known to us as 24! This episode is filled with cars, startling revelations, and amnesia. So, on that happy note, let's fasten our seat-belts and get this baby rollin'!
Agent Chesty, named so for his voluminous chest hair, has just been strangled by super-unnamed-bad-man with a piece of yarn. After Jack yells his name over the phone for like thirty times, he concludes that the guy is probably dead, and calls a funeral home to make preparations. Milo barges in to tell him that "Johnny Cool Guy", one of Palmer's suspected assassins, is Alexis Drazen, one of Victor Drazen's sons, and also an excuse for Elizabeth to make frequent family stops everywhere on the campaign. I wonder where her Grandma really lives...
Speaking of which, ole Johnny Cool calls his blushing lover, where she relays that its cool to "hang out" at four thirty. Real smart, this girl.
Back at the not-so-safe house, Black Guy and White Guy (sorry Spencer, I must use those nicknames, I love them so much) are sitting around waiting for their inevitable doom, and from the looks of it, it might be pretty soon, because some construction dudes are acting kinda weird with walkie talkies. Teri and Jack have a quick little conversation revealing how troubled Teri is about her new found knowledge of Nina and Jack, but she still doesn't tell Jack about the baby news or even that she knows about The Affair. You know what Teri needs? A good friend, that's what. Feel kinda sorry for her right now. Oh, and back at the hotel, everybody's favorite secret service agent shows pictures of the assassins after Palmer. Guess who made the list? Ole' Johnny Cool, that's who. Explain this one, Elizabeth.
Kim is lying her puny head off to Nina about Rick. This is simply beyond stupid, if you ask me. You gotta flex your daddy's genes, girl! Anyway, Teri us giving Nina the cold shoulder, and decides to start getting questioned again. This to me is pretty bold, since she's talking to her husband's mistress. (Editor's note: Sounds like an episode of TLC's "Sister Wives" to me!) David tells Jack about Johnny Cool and Elizabeth, and flinches marvelously at the word "intimate". Kinda ironic for Jack, doncha think...
Kim calls (guess who) Rick on her phone to tell him that she's tired of covering for him. I could scream like a banshee at these two, but I won't. (Editor's note: The Kim/Rick relationship is probably the most ridiculous writing this season, but hey-- it's California!) Teri and Nina are having an itchy scene, where Teri ends up saying "things tend to get complicated when you screw your boss". No argument there, Ter Bear, but you could have said it nicer. Nina decides she's sick of arm-wrestling with these two idiots and feels the time is ripe to say adios. Go back to the real job, Nina. a.k.a. screwing people you work for. (Editor's note: Hey! She *hearts* Jack Bauer! Give that leggy broad a chance!)
And guess who's back at CTU, folks? George Mason walks in on Jack changing to get a slice of the pizza pie that Teri and Nina are currently sharing (Editor's note: More food!!!). Jack decides it would be a good idea to use the 4:30 meeting with Johnny Cool to their advantage-- get the upper hand in this mess, and see who Mr. Cool works for. Surprisingly, George doesn't argue for that long. And people say miracles can't happen...
One minute, David and Keith have enormous smiles on their faces, laugh, and promise each other that they'll be there for each other until the Judgement Day. Next minute, they're mad again, about David's decision to hold back the Ferragamo story, and talking in "outdoor voices" (or at least Keith is). Boy, I wish Kim and Keith could meet, they'd be best friends! " 'Hey Keith, let's totally ignore what the adults tell us to do because we know better, especially given the great choices we've made in the past!' 'Ok, Kim! And by the way, you're hot.' " (Editor's note: Keith Palmer is the world's dumbest person. I wish a thousand miserable days upon that character. David, ask for a paternity test, bro.)
Creepy Vampire Serbian Dude calls Andy Drazen (I mean Andre) to say that he found the girls. Oh boy. Just when I thought we were done with "the women are in danger" storyline...
Jack is accessing files with Milo. Milo tends to keep his head down, probably due to his iron ore earrings dangling hypnotically from his ears. Jack tells Milo to watch for charging rhinos, slippery snakes, and worst of all, MOLES. W-what? A-a mole in CTU? Who ever dreamt up such foolishness? Yeah, I wasn't surprised either.
Keith decides to take matters into his own hands. A great idea, considering he did such a swell job the last time. He gets Nicole to stall so he has time to escape out of a hotel window using a rope ladder he made from dirty sheets. 24 kids truly are a different breed!
Weeping Beauty Elizabeth arrives at CTU and decides to go along with Jack's idea of espionage for higher purposes. She has a little cherry red nose, a gushy sob story about how she met Johnny in a bar, and a definite streak of bravery. Perhaps this might explain why the words "she's so dead" are rolling around in my head like marbles!
Death has come for White Guy. While Black Guy interrogates the ladies, CVSD (Creepy Vampire Serbian Dude) shoots a friggin' harpoon in him! He might have been dead from the start, but a warm little place in my heart has just become cold because of this...
Guess what? The safe house is hit. Black Guy decides to check on his buddy, leaving Kim to comfort Teri, who is feeling a little off. CVSD kills White Guy (yes him too) but not before Momma Bauer and Lil' Kimmy run to and escape in a car that is somehow miraculously unlocked. CVSD chases them on foot, until he finds a sweet ride he can hijack (also miraculously unlocked).
Nina has returned to CTU just in time to tell Jack that Teri and Kim are as cool as cucumbers. She decides to hitch a ride on another little field trip to the hotel with Weeping Beauty and Jack. However, at the same time, Teri and Kim cruise down a mountain pass while being chased by CVSD! At one point, Teri thinks they have lost their creepo-Serbian-terrorist-stalker. She decides to see if the coast is clear. But the car, with Kim still in it, starts hurdling down the mountain faster than you can say "Grigorovich." The car hits the bottom, and bursts into flame. Good. Gravy. This is too much for Teri, so she decides that tasting some dirt might help her troubled nerves.
Carl and Keith meet on Telescope Terrace. They talk dirty, with words like "death", "frame", "coverup", "story", and "your father" coming up frequently in their conversation. The conversation ends with Carl huffing off looking to ruin more peoples lives. But wait, there's more! Looks like Keith does have a grain if sense in him, because he taped the whole conversation. First smart thing he's done in seven years. Carl, you're going down!
Teri deems that dirt tastes nasty, so she gets up to graze somewhere else. Then comes the weird part. Don't ask me why, don't ask me how, but somehow, Teri has amnesia. (Editor's note: Shark gets jumped here!) Of course, a Good Samaritan decides to pick her up and give her a ride, leaving me to ponder this strange plot twist. Somehow, Kim survived the car blowing up, and a beautiful Sean Callery musical piece plays as she climbs up the mountaintop, ending the episode with her shouting, "Mom! Mom!"
I don't really know how I feel about this episode. Good, I guess, and better than the last one, which was all sex, no violence (I like it the other way around). But this episode just had a strange ending. I mean, come on, amnesia? I am eager to see the 4:30 meeting with Johnny next episode, though!
May Bauer be with you. Always.
Editor's note: BL, thank you again for a fantastic job- I love the nicknames, the detail, the whole thing was awesome. And you're 100% right, the amnesia angle is all sorts of ridiculous and it takes a lot to accept even given the crazy shit Teri suffers through. She becomes a human pin-cushion at some point, and I think this is where it happens. Whatever can go wrong with a person will happen to Teri by the end of this season...