Monday, October 04, 2010

24 Season 1: 2PM-3PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's Note: My writer's strike continues (not for long!) and coming back for a second bite at the fruit called "The Jack Sack" is the loquacious Spencer. He uses big boy language and lays down metaphors like a deluge of chubby rain!  Enjoy:

Hello ladies and gentlemen, it’s Spencer again. I’m standing in for Adam, who’s uh, so going to continue reviewing this season….whenever the fuck he feels like it. (Editor's note: Dude, I'm right here! I can hear you!!!)

Seriously though, Adam, I can’t thank you enough for giving me- and us- this opportunity to review some episodes. It’s just more proof, if anyone actually needs it, of you’re awesomeness. (Editor's note: Alright, curse away you charming fucker).

Anyway, the hot hottie of hotness is engaging in “romantic activities” with the terrorist/pervert/liar we met two episodes ago. It’s funny, because they’re having sex and he actually think he’s worthy of this girl. Seriously, when I think of the hottest women in 24, I think “Renee….Kim…”, and then this girl, the hot hottie of hotness, or HHH.

Tony’s trying to stall while David wants to see Jack. Almeida’s like “Can I get you anything?”, and Palmer’s like “Stop stalling.” Then, Tony calls Chappelle and is like “Uh, I can’t stall anymore,” and Ryan‘s like “Ah dammit, you didn’t say something that would allow me to act like a big enough dick. Oh, wait a second, never mind, I got it! Ahem- well, until I know more, I don’t want to put those two together,” and Tony’s like, “Alright." (Editor's note: This is sounding like an episode of "Gilmore Girls!").

Nina’s driving Kim and Teri to the safe house, where Teri tries to ease her daughter’s worries about her stomach aches, saying that it was “Just a cist burst.” I’m sure that everyone that watched this episode for the first time were thinking, “Man, is there the slightest chance she’s not pregnant?” Meanwhile, in a very underrated moment of the show, Jack gets rid of all of the day’s stress in seconds by screaming at Maleficent.

Drazen and the hot hottie of hotness finish having sex, and when she’s about to take a shower, Alexis keeps trying to be nice to her, which pretty much makes him the most evil character on the show. At CTU, Palmer’s still trying to see Jack, so he talks Chappelle’s mom into calling him, and the call goes a little like this;

“Who is this?”

“Who else would be calling you? It’s your MOTHER, Chappelle!”

“Uh, mom, I’m working at CTU. We can’t really talk right no-”

“Don’t you DARE talk to me like that, Chappelle! Remember who you’re talking to!”

“Wha- what do you want?”

“David Palmer has just informed me of you keeping him from talking to someone. Now let the man do what he wants, or I’ll GROUND your ass again, CHAPPELLE!!!”

“Oh-god-oh-god, alright, don’t worry about it, mom!”

Anyway, David gets to talk to Jack, and it’s a nice little conversation. They laugh, have a few drinks, yell at each other since Palmer thinks that Jack’s trying to kill him. David’s like, “I know Allstate’s stand, but I’m not in mother fucking good hands until you EXPLAIN yourself!”, and Jack’s like “Man, I really wasn’t trying to kill you!”, and David’s like, “Oh.”

Black guy(who’s name probably IS black guy) sees Teri and Kim’s approaching car and says, “Alright, my imminent death should happen very soon- I mean, um, alright, they’ve just arrived at the safe house.” The women all get out of the car, and we get introduced to Black guy’s partner, White guy. I wonder if they were getting impatient for their imminent deaths. Nina explains to Jack’s family that these two men have worked with Jack for many years and that they’re two of CTU’s best. Alright, writers, we already KNEW that they were going to die, you really didn’t need to make it more obvious to us. Damn.

Black guy and White guy ask Nina where she wants them, and she says, “One in and one out.” Now Nina, you’re not talking to Tony and Jack.

Palmer and Bauer begin to figure out what’s going on- though still unaware of who’s ultimately behind this. They contact a man who was involved in a two-year old operation with both of them- Barney Gumble, and the three of them start doing research. (24, can someone die?)

HHH finds out that her planned flight to Nevada might not happen, so she immediately calls her boyfriend/sex toy/terrorist and lets him know. But Alexis is sitting with Andre Drazen, so it turns out that he’s a h- Ohhhh, they’re brothers.

Teri finds out that she’s, in fact, pregnant, and she tells Kim, who gets upset, because…Ok, for once I don’t like Kim. But Teri explains how Kim should try and understand what she’s going through and that being pregnant is scary. Hell, I understand that. Any Bauer that’s pregnant should be scarred shitless of their baby cutting his/her way out of their stomach. Teri, just know this; When you give the kid a bath, DON’T DRY IT OFF WITH A TOWEL.

Milo comes in and Barney needs his login id and password. You see, Milo’s important! But a guy comes in the bar that Barney’s in, and Gumble gets his gun ready. However, it turns out that he just wants a beer.

Teri and Kim are eating (Editor's note: It seems like Season 1 was really the only season where characters were consistently eating, didn't Nina have a pierogie back in the beginning of the day?), and Nina needs to question Teri about what happened, while Kim calls Rick, and he’s like, “I don’t have a rich family. Feel sorry for me.” Other than that, I can understand how he’s afraid of going to prison for life. Seriously though, Rick’s not THAT bad of a character. Consider this; if Kim were in his position, she probably wouldn’t last a day, and that is WITHOUT cougars, pedophiles, animal traps, blond-obsessed women-abusers, and anything having to do with cars. (Editor's note: You could put Kim in a room filled with only cotton balls and band-aids and she'd still find a way to almost die).

While researching, David starts to talk to Jack about his thoughts, and when he mentions his family, Jack tells him that it’s not easy being a part of a family in anyway. This is probably the defining scene of the episode. But David has to leave, so he gets Jack reinstated for the day. Back at the safe house, Teri finds out that Jack dated Nina and almost loses it. Ouch.

Barney Gumble goes to the restroom, and guess what- he gets strangled to death. I have no doubt that eventually the police will come in and the bar will be investigated. Man, why can’t people just leave bars alone?

Well, that’s my review of the episode. I will say this, though; I can’t help but find it unique because it seems like one of the few episodes to have a theme and a message to it, and it’s about the hardships of being a family member. Episodes with messages is not something that 24’s known for- sure, there have been seasons with themes and messages, such as season 3 and season 7, but not episodes. For 24, this is odd, but not unwelcome. Thanks again Adam for letting me review this episode. I look forward to seeing the next reviews.

Editor's note: Spencer, thank you for another great review. I really appreciate the hard work you've put into this one- and it gives me a sick sense of satisfaction that you and others know firsthand how much time it takes to do one of these reviews.  But again, I am thrilled with the results!

Who's next?


BauerLuver said...

Bravo bravo, Spencer!
Seriously, I was really laughing at this one, especially the phone call with Chapelle's mom, and Black Guy White Guy!! Brilliance right there! I have more to say about this episode, but I'm gonna get some shut eye now, and tell you tomorrow.
I'll write the review for the next episode faster than you can say, "DAMMIT!!"

Spencer said...

BauerLuver- Thanks very much, man! Look forward to your review!

Adam- Oh yes, I know how much time it takes, and can tell you the entire script of the episode I previously reviewed without any effort.

BauerLuver said...

I sent my review!
Also, I wanted to point out (and I say this in my review) that this episode was way more sex, less violence. Personally, I like it much more the other way around.

Spencer said...

They could've at least showed her legs more.

BauerLuver said...

Whose legs? Elizabeth's?

Spencer said...

Elizabeth? I know no such woman! Only hot hottie of hotness.

BauerLuver said...

Oh, right...she's pretty I guess...but I wouldn't really say stunningly beautiful

B said...


So *sigh* I haven't been keeping up with TJS since these outsourced reviews started. (Not b/c of the outsourcing, just b/c I've been busy.) I'm sorry! (I have this weird feeling of guilt, like I bailed on my sports team or something.) But I'm super incredibly impressed that you've all been able to write your OWN reviews! Seriously, that's ridiculously amazing. And the simple fact that y'all picked up the ball and RAN with it.


Spencer said...

Brittany, we've all missed ya here. We get that you're busy and that there's nothing wrong with having a life, but I know you've tried to stay away from the internet before, so my advice is to allow the internet to control you again. Give in!

B said...

He he hee. Your advice just made me chuckle a little out loud.
Bravo. Way to bring a little more humor to my day.
Now, if y'all'll excuse me, I'm off to bed. No f*cking joke.
Peace and all that good stuff. :)

BauerLuver said...

I agree with Spencer. Brittany, you are a ray of sunshine at TJS!

Alex Getts — Art & Illustration said...

Does anyone have the episode after BauerLuver? I'll take it, if not. :)

BauerLuver said...

@Alex- I don't think so, so unless Adam wants to resume, I'd get writing!

And did anybody else find the Teri-Nina scene painfully uncomfortable? I sure did, it was also sort of unnessesary, in my opinion.

Dietcoke said...

I'm lovin' these outsourced reviews! Don't get me wrong Adam, I miss you, I really do...and your little dog too. ;-)

BauerLuver said...

Haha Dietcoke...ding dong the wicked witch is dead! (just kidding) :D

Dietcoke said...

So I was working at The Plaza shortly after I graduated from college.

In walks Donald Sutherland, who I was so crazy about as a little girl. He didn't have a parkview room. He began swearing and cusing like a sailor.

I told him that we would comp his room and move him to a parkview the next day. He finally got his act together and stopped screeming.

I then told him how brilliant I thought he was as an actor. I mentioned Kelly's Heroes. He then just looked at me. Like "are you done yet?" I promptly gave him his key and said "I hope you enjoy your stay."

So I was a little worried about meeting Kiefer but he was a delight. Nice, nice man.

B said...

Um. Are you making that up, Dietcoke?

Dietcoke said...

Making what up, Brittany? The Donald story? Not at ALL.

I met a lot of celebs when I worked at The Plaza. Donald was a big disappointment.

Dietcoke said...

Spencer, that was an excellent review. While I totally agree with you on the hotness of Kim, I respectfully disagree about Renee. Okay, I get it if you are a boob-man. Renee had boobs and as far as I know she still has them but they're rather corpsified now.

Now, Audrey was hot. Well, she made Jack hot so therefore she was hot. That extended version of the season four prequel

Dang, I miss this show.

Spencer said...

Dietcoke, I'm probably less attracted to boobs than women themselves. But I am a red-hair guy, and a freckles guy., I don't know.

Dietcoke said...

@Spencer, we all find different things attractive in a person. Nothing wrong with that. :-)

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