Tuesday, October 26, 2010

24 Season 1: 5PM-6PM Outsourced Retro Review

Editor's note: BauerLuver is back and bringing the double-barreled awesome sauce that is her trademark!  Thanks for putting together another great review, BL!

Outsourced Review for 5:00- 6:00 p.m.

Hello my fellow 24 lovers! We continue now with the next chapter (or in this case, hour) of our beloved show. Let's give a shout out to Adam for maintaing this wonderful site, and get ready to yell "DAMMIT" along with Jack and co. as we launch into the latest episode.

Previously on 24, we had hot sexy stabbing in the Hilton Head Hotel of Politics, Affairs, and Betrayals. Oh, and some nonsense with Teri losing her mind (we knew it was only a matter of time) and Kim running back to the kid who kidnapped her and on whom she has a crush (don't ask).

Jack decides to play the role of Alexis after a baseball loving terrorist calls him to make a deal. Nina finds Barrabonds (if that's how you spell it) in el hotel suite, and David whines about Jack "putting Elizabeth in danger." David, you're awesome, you know I love you, but it seems at some point on this show, you gotta scream at every character "SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO BAUER!" Now is that time for David. Jack asks for the shirt off the nearest agents back (literally) who, without question, gives it. That's how much these people love Jack. They take their clothes off for him.

Back at Ye Olde CTU, Tony finishes off his 500th coffee in that Cubby Cup, while George yammers on about how they shouldn't tell Jack that Teri and Kim are missing. It comforts me that Tony is at least bothered by this idea, and grunts a moody "Alright" and trudges back to the salt mine.

I can't believe I'm writing these words, but back at Rick's house, Kim somehow concludes that searching Dan's old underwear drawer will help her find her mom. Ter Bear is meanwhile gets the story of her life by this creepo- doctor, who tells her that they used to skip rope in the playground together or some crap like that. I'm torn between "Eew," "This is stupid," and "Keeeeel the wiiiiiimem" in this paragraph.

Sher Bear, I Like Mike, and David gather round for a little chat about the only thing these people ever talk about, the Keith story. Mike and Sherry think the best idea is to bury the recording, but David, of course, doesn't think so. You know, I actually kinda agree with Mike and Sherry.

Jack calls George and Tony to tell them his play-Alexis idea, which they agree is a dandy idea. But Jack being a caring father and husband, wants to talk to Teri and Kim. George lies (BIG MISTAKE) and tells Jack that the girls are sleeping while Tony shoots him dodgy looks. George, I hope you don't value your life too much, because when Jack finds out about this, there ain't gonna be much of you left to bury. Just so ya know.

Jack and Nina take a little tour down Lovers Lane so they can talk more about Teri's knowledge of The Affair. Jack's pretty much like "Sorry that I didn't tell you that Teri didn't know that you and me were getting busy and sorry that she guessed it anyway." Nina's pretty much like "Sorry that I'm so much hotter than her, I didn't know it made her mad." These two are so sexay together, we all know it. Tony gets in a little shouting match with George at CTU, who wants all the latest dirt on this juicy office scandal. Tony gets pissed, and snaps back that he's not the editor of "People" magazine. I think Tony just feels bad that he doesn't get to chill with Jack and Nina in the field.  Instead, he's stuck in the office with Mason, who is too busy in the dirt of "Star" to give a darn about anybody.

David and Keith have even more heart- to-heart as Keith gets prepped for attacks from the media. It's nothing we don't already know, but it's still kinda nice. "You're in good hands," David says. "That's All- I mean, my stand."

The Vampire Cult haf a leeeetle diiiiisscussion about ze wiiiiiimem. Ahhhhndre seeeeeeys that they'de beeeeter be keeeeeled soon, and zeee other duuddde seeeeeeys zat he vill go to ze Baaahuer hooooome to fhhind zem. Ghoooood ideeeeeea.

Kim finally decides that she'd be best taking a leaf out of common sense, and decides to leave Rick's house. I am so paralyzed by the greatness of this statement that I don't even care that they kiss (at least, not that much). However, my jubilation is short lived when Dan's bro Frank barges in to tell them that he's got some kind of deal going down in half an hour, and nobody leaves till it's over. I knew it was too good to be true.

Jack and Nina look smokin' hot as they cruise up an escalator in some sort of outdoor shopping mall. We are then introduced to the greatest jerk so far this season, a dude named Teddy who has a personal beef with Jack over something stupid. This guys smirks, rolls his eyes, and talks back to Jack on just the planning of this most delicate of operations. I have a strong urge to stretch my hands on that flabby neck and squeeze hard. Oh and by the way- he's back-up shooter. Yes, you heard me correctly.

Creepo-doctor has Teri getting undressed in a candle-lit room with paintings of Renaissance women lining the halls. Yes, you heard me correctly. Teri has a "gut feeling" that going to the hospital would be a bad idea, and gets all talky and weepy on this dude. Guys, this is seriously getting weird. Like, really weird.

Fortunately, we are brought back into the real world with Sherry, a woman with a real head on her shoulders, even though said head is being used for nefarious purposes. She embarks on a little secret agent mission of her own, which involves her breaking into a painting safe to get the precious recording. What will she do? As Alex in his last review said, as Lucas said, as Anakin said, "I have a bad feeling about this." Though this, unfortunately, is much worse than buzz droids.

David returns after a commercial break to check on the tape. After all, tapes need to be watered regularly and fed on a diet of milk and honey. But then, Sherry stands up like she's ready to brave a hurricane. "I destroyed it," she tells David, without flinching a tad bit (this is the part where we all go WHAT THE HELL). But get this- David responds "It breaks my heart- but I was right." Turns out, IT WASN'T THE REAL TAPE!! David needed to see how far Sherry would go. And goodness knows, he saw it. My. Gosh. What a hell of a scene!

We are transferred to more awesomeness in the plaza shopping mall, where Teddy is hassling Jack. He explains that his partner's wife hung herself after her husband (the guy Jack busted) went to jail. Jack is nice enough to try and explain himself (I would have screamed bloody murder into the phone) and even helps an old lady into a chair. Gotta love him. It gets to the point where George  has to tell Teddy to take a little time out, count to ten, and be nice to everyone. I'm serious guys, I feel homicidal when I look at that guy. Someone shoot him, please.

Ooouur Seeeeerbian Russsian asssasiiiin keels ze agent gharding ze hause just as Teri and her doctor boy toy are on their way pulling in. Why Lord. Why. Why must Teri put her trust in this doctor guy? (who would take this guy over Jack, anyway?) The other Bauer girl we love to hate is chilling in Rick's casa. Turns out this "deal" that Frank is in is for a supply of ecstasy. But even better- they have no money, because Rick's not brave enough to tell this dude that his brother bit the dust and isn't coming over for the playdate. God help these idiots.

Time for the big showdown on outdoor plaza mall. Out mystery red baseball cap terrorist does show up after all- but figures out that Jack's not Alexis and runs for it. Jack takes off in immediate pursuit, and is almost on him, but that accursed man holding the snipah rifah says that "he'll slow him down for Jack". Jack roars, "DO NOT SHOOT!! I wring wet wash cloths in unadulterated fury as this pathetic excuse for a human being kills their only lead, firing a lethal bullet into the suspect, despite Jack's orders. Teddy, may your crops never harvest and your home turn to dust. The episode eeeeends wiiiith Baheur's whiiife and docctir goiiiing into ze Baheur hhhooome, where Ahhhndree's agent ahvvaits.

Sweet episode. We got great scenes with Jack and David today, not to mention a new level of hatred with "Teddy". Kim and Teri are like the price we pay for these awesome scenes of awesomeness, like a fine or a tax. Let's face it- nobody messes wit the Jackstar. Hope you liked it!

Editor's note: "Sher Bear" is a downright classic. And this entire review is fast-moving and constantly making me smile. Thank you so much!


BauerLuver said...

"Double-barreled awesome sauce" - Goodness, Adam, you're making me blush!

Spencer said...

Haha, loved it! The Russian writing was hilarious. Thanks for stopping me from making what would've likely been a crappy review.

However, if it's ok with everyone, I DO plan on writing the review for next episode, which will begin tommorrow.

BauerLuver said...

That is absolutely wonderful, Spencer! Fire away! I hope it's posted soon because lately I have seriously had this urge to watch 24 (I mean, more than usual).

Dietcoke said...

This was "double-barreled awesome sauce" with a side of hi-hariousness.

You captured my feelings about the Bauer family ladies. How on earth did Jack end up with these two? I still believe that Teri got knocked-up in college by her basket-weaving professor. One day Jack will wise up and realize that there is no way Kim is his daughter. When he does, he can run back to the arms of Saint Nina.

Sher Bear is my favorite Palmer. You just NEVER know what she has up her sleeve. Dang, you do NOT want to play Texas Hold'em with this woman. David is FINALLY catching on to her...just when I started to wonder if he was the other dumb blond on the show.

BauerLuver said...

@Dietcoke- I know! How did Jack, who is smart, handsome as heck, and able to mow 20 terrorists down like they're grass end up with a woman who can't add one and one, and a daughter who's just as bad (if not worse?) I can't imagine the time when Teri and Jack were dating. Like, what would they have been talking about?

Spencer said...

One thing to weigh in is that Jack was probably a fairly normal guy before season 1. He probably just wanted to live a normal life and have a family, but at the same time had a strong sense of justice and was willing to break the rules to do the right thing, taking a path that many people wouldn't be willing to take, and almost instantly in the show, he starts paying the price he just might've unaware enough that he was going to pay.

BauerLuver said...

Yeah, maybe, I guess...
I just find it hard to see what Jack sees (or saw) in Teri. But you make an excellent point; Jack probably never imagined that he would be thrown into this kind of situation. Still, maybe Teri was a model or something in her former years...:)

Spencer said...

(I'll start writing the review tommmorrow.)

So, what's everyone's opinion on the there being a third batman movie?

For one thing, the title's going to be The Dark Knight Rises. I personally HATE it, but it's just a title. But I just don't know. The Dark Knight was awesome. Really, how do you top it? And I thought it had the perfect ending. Sure, things weren't completely tied up, but I liked it that way.

BauerLuver said...

I think it's a little cheesy how it's called "The Dark Knight Rises." I mean, we've already had "The Dark Knight," right? All they did was stick the word "rises" on. But on the other hand, I loved the Dark Knight, so I'll give it a chance. Too bad no Joker, but they say variety is the spice of life!

And on a 24 note, I can barely wait!

Alex Getts — Art & Illustration said...

Thanks for bringing this up, Spencer, as I'm a big Batman fan! :) Personally, I think the title is "okay" but I think it will make more sense 1) when we get a synopsis of the film, and 2) in the context of the movie. Some people have said that it seems lazy, but to them I'd say "Christopher Nolan knows what he's doing. This is the man behind The Prestige and Inception, the man that brought cinematic Batman back from the abyss. He's a smart guy, and he's chosen a title that he thinks best suits the film."
I wish we knew who the villain was, but I guess patience is key.
As for further reviews, I'll take the one after Spencer's, if that's okay?

BauerLuver said...

Sounds great, Alex! And I'll definately go see the movie. My expectations are just slightly lower now with a copy-and-paste title and no Heath Ledger. But hey, what do I know, Chris Nolan is a movie genius! Inception, wow...still trying to understand it...

I hope it's better than Spider Man 3. The first was great, the second was magnificent (my first PG-13 movie in theaters :) and the third...pretty lame.

Alex Getts — Art & Illustration said...

Chris Nolan, in my opinion, has knocked four films in a row right out of the park with Batman Begins, The Prestige, The Dark Knight, and Inception. (I haven't seen any pre-Begins Nolan films.) Something I read that I agree with with the "copy/paste" title is that it's essentially branding. By the time TDKR comes out, it will have been four years since the last installment. People will remember TDK, though, so having a similar title helps bring people back, I think. Heath Ledger was a huge draw for the last film, so it's unfortunate he won't be around this time. So the title to draw viewers back in makes sense. Don't get me wrong, I wish it was more of a creative title, but I understand wanting some similarity, I guess.

Alex Getts — Art & Illustration said...

As for being better than S-M3, I think Warner's learned their lesson. At least with Batman. (Apparently Jonah Hex was different before the studio got involved.) And I think they trust Nolan, especially with this franchise, because of how much revenue he's generated for them. Which is probably why they're willing to let him have four years in between Batman films, rather than the standard two- to three.

Spencer said...

@Alex- All good points. I personally would've been fine with "The Knight Rises", but did they really have to use the same damn title with one new word at the end of it?

And as for your review after mine...it's pretty much been that deal, with me-you-BL me-you-BL, and I've been loving it.

Spencer said...

The review should be finished soon!

BauerLuver said...


And Alex, I agree with pretty much everything you said! I seriously am looking forward to TDKR, even if it does have a rather unoriginal title.

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