Monday, February 02, 2009

Dear Chloe: The 24 Season 7 Advice Column

The Jack Sack is proud to present an old nugget revived- "Dear Chloe"- where your problems really aren't that important right now, but you'll probably get some snarky wisdom regardless:

Dear Chloe,

I am a successful career-driven man who has good credit and great oral hygiene. Why the heck can't I get this girl at work to notice me? Let me give you an example- just this morning we had a very serious thing blow up at work. I'm kind of the guy in charge of our department. So, you'd think she'd ask me for advice, what to do, etc.? No. She decided to go off on her own, cut off some dude's oxygen supply, get herself shot in the neck and buried alive. And she's doing all of this for some other guy who isn't even on our payroll (he's kind of an independent contractor, but I'm not authorized to say more than that). I know chicks dig the bad boys, but I thought she and I had something- we really connected over our love of "The Notebook" and the poetry of Sylvia Plath. Help me, Chloe!

-Larry "Love"

Larry, you're probably a really great guy but you are also extremely boring. It would be harder to hack into a Fisher-Price "Laugh 'n Learn" Toy Piggy Bank than to get you in bed. I have a guy friend who's the complete opposite, so maybe you should take note: try sneering at her, maybe throw her in the back of an unmarked van and whisper to her about how you're "running out of time." Girls like that kind of stuff, trust me, it's really hot.

Dear Chloe,

I'm just going to come out and say it- I'm a fraud. You ever lie on a resume? You ever tell people that you're from someplace that you've never even seen in your life-- just to impress them? For the past ten years I've been telling people that I was a sniper in the British SAS. I don't even know what "SAS" stands for! And as for being a sniper, I admit that's partially true- I hold the all-time high score in my college frat for "Duck Hunt" (I'm probably better than you :P). And that's the thing, I went to the University of Delaware, I'm from Dover, I used to watch NASCAR races when I was a kid, before it got all big and commercialized. But anyway, here I am, telling people I'm this British dude and I can't even tell you the first thing about scones. And up until last week, I thought "Big Ben" was the quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, not some freakin' clock in London. I want to come clean, but I don't know how. Lately, most of my friends are turning up dead, so I'm thinking I'll ride this one out. Besides, my friends are pretty dumb, I don't even try to fake a British accent and they've already bought my story. Should I just keep quiet?

-The Fake Limey

Limey- First thing's first: SAS stands for Special Air Service, it's the special forces group within the British Army. Second, I will so whip your ass at "Duck Hunt" so don't even go there. It seems to me like you're just being a guy. Guys lie to feel better about themselves. I give you credit for at least being original. As a woman, I find British guys insanely attractive, but that's mostly because of the accent. I can't even see my guy's face anymore, it's just his voice that keeps me going. So, I'm going to recommend that you keep the story going, but for your own benefit get some voice lessons and learn a proper English accent. Madonna did it and now she thinks she's one of them.


AmyV said...

I love Chloe.

Renata said...

"whisper to her about how you're 'running out of time.' Girls like that kind of stuff, trust me, it's really hot."


So TRUE LOL²³¹³²¹

jay toby said...

Dear Chloe, I have a question for you.

The six days in between episodes just killsss me. What do you suggest myself and the 24-faithful do while we're waiting for the next episode to air?

With love,
Avid 24 Lover

Anonymous said...

Good stuff! Laughed good at the Larry one. I recently discovered that the actor who plays "The Fake Limey" is actually Welsh -- technically British, but with a softer, less recognizable accent, which is why we all think his accent is bullshit, even though it kinda isn't in the end. That doesn't change the fact that this is funny shit though.

TheJackSack said...

@Kasia- wow, that's pretty funny that Emerson is the genuine article. I still would have taken the same shots at the character though... because I'm mature like that ;)

@Avid 24 Lover (J.A.)- Chloe says to defrag your hard drive and update your security patches until next Monday. And if you're still bored, open up a socket to a bottle of vodka. Copy?

Anonymous said...

I just discovered your site, and have been weeping with laughter for a few hours now... The JackSack makes 24 funnier than I ever thought a tv-show could be.

Cheers from Iceland

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