Ban Ki-Moon, Secretary General of the United Nations has issued this statement following last night's episode of "24."
Congratulations! The General Assembly has just voted you the "Most Stupid Nation In The World!"
Are you guys out of your f@%#ing minds?!?! Kidnap Mister Bauer-- shame on him, kidnap his tormented on-again-off-again girlfriend-- SHAME ON YOU! I know I'm relatively new to my post as the Secretary General, but you don't have to be an geopolitical genius to know that you have really screwed the goat.
The Geneva Conventions cannot protect you. The UN Security Council cannot help either. What you have chosen to do is declare war on the one person that the UN has recognized as a free and independent state. That's right, Bauer is legally his own country. He has no flag or legal tender, but the 192 other nations of the world have all agreed to leave Bauer alone! Why can't you guys get with the program?
I was having a tuna sandwich yesterday with the ambassador from an unnamed Balkan State. I mentioned Bauer's name in passing and he almost leapt out from his chair. And a week ago, when I was getting my shoes shined next to an ambassador from another unnamed country (from the Middle East) I asked if he was wearing an Eddie Bauer jacket, and the man started weeping and yelling "Don't hurt me, Jack! Please, no more of the towel down the throat thing!" Only after three shots of rice wine was I able to calm him down and explain that I was referring to the refreshingly simple country-style clothing company and not the ferocious beast that works for CTU.
China, you guys are something stupid, let me tell you. This isn't some bootleg of Spider-Man 3 we're talking about here. You've opened up a portal into Hell on Earth. Did you happen to notice that two years of torture was like summer camp for this man? Were you not the least bit concerned when he didn't speak a word for 18 months? Why don't you guys just take a piece of raw meat and wrap it around your heads and go headbutt a pit bull instead! I am alerting my own nation of South Korea to evacuate into North Korea-- that's how bad this is going to get. I only hope that when this is over, you fools haven't taken the rest of the world with you.