Monday, April 09, 2007

A Message From The UN Secretary General to China: ARE YOU GUYS NUTS?!?!

Ban Ki-Moon, Secretary General of the United Nations has issued this statement following last night's episode of "24."

Hello China!

Congratulations! The General Assembly has just voted you the "Most Stupid Nation In The World!"

Are you guys out of your f@%#ing minds?!?! Kidnap Mister Bauer-- shame on him, kidnap his tormented on-again-off-again girlfriend-- SHAME ON YOU! I know I'm relatively new to my post as the Secretary General, but you don't have to be an geopolitical genius to know that you have really screwed the goat.

The Geneva Conventions cannot protect you. The UN Security Council cannot help either. What you have chosen to do is declare war on the one person that the UN has recognized as a free and independent state. That's right, Bauer is legally his own country. He has no flag or legal tender, but the 192 other nations of the world have all agreed to leave Bauer alone! Why can't you guys get with the program?

I was having a tuna sandwich yesterday with the ambassador from an unnamed Balkan State. I mentioned Bauer's name in passing and he almost leapt out from his chair. And a week ago, when I was getting my shoes shined next to an ambassador from another unnamed country (from the Middle East) I asked if he was wearing an Eddie Bauer jacket, and the man started weeping and yelling "Don't hurt me, Jack! Please, no more of the towel down the throat thing!" Only after three shots of rice wine was I able to calm him down and explain that I was referring to the refreshingly simple country-style clothing company and not the ferocious beast that works for CTU.

China, you guys are something stupid, let me tell you. This isn't some bootleg of Spider-Man 3 we're talking about here. You've opened up a portal into Hell on Earth. Did you happen to notice that two years of torture was like summer camp for this man? Were you not the least bit concerned when he didn't speak a word for 18 months? Why don't you guys just take a piece of raw meat and wrap it around your heads and go headbutt a pit bull instead! I am alerting my own nation of South Korea to evacuate into North Korea-- that's how bad this is going to get. I only hope that when this is over, you fools haven't taken the rest of the world with you.

Yut-Gat-toon-nom!

7 comments:

Adam said...

A tip for you kids, google the Korean phrase at the end of the article if you like potty-mouthed humor.

AmyV said...

Ha! Very clever. And, you know, in this case, 1 billion Chinese can be wrong.

Sally said...

AWESOME as usual. Excellent blog!!

2266 said...

Bauer land? Sounds like an interesting country to visit...

Rickey Henderson said...

Rickey is a little pissed off that his idea for the 24 movie (Jack in China going after Audrey) is out the window. Apparently the show's writers realized it was a total rip off of Spy Games. Rickey wonders if that was planned all along or if they realized the season was getting stale, wrapped up the plot, and decided it was time Jack killed people shorter than himself.

Adam said...

Rickey needs to get his WRiter's Guild credentials and then he can pitch ideas like that to Hollywood. So do I, for that matter.

Adam said...

Bauerland, Bauertopia, The Republic of Bauer, The Bauer Federation... imagine the possibilities!

National motto: DAMMIT!
National anthem: "Oh say can you copy that?"
And everyday is a killing holiday.

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