Monday, April 30, 2007

CTU Inter-Office Memo from Dolores in HR.

TO: Division Headquarters, CTU
FROM: Dolores Katz, Human Resources- CTU Los Angeles

I don't know where to begin.

I was hired five months ago to administer all Human Resources functions for the Los Angeles office of CTU. I have had experience in handling the most complex HR issues in my previous positions at Fortune 500 companies over the past ten years. I think I know my stuff. But this past day, you bastards have really gone the distance in sending me into a state of total confusion.

Let's start with this Audrey Raines person. I checked the records and she's supposed to be dead. Now, I see she's not. Okay, sometimes paperwork gets screwy and I can do the retro-active pay reinstatement for her going forward, but I got vacation day issues I have to sort through (apparently her time in China has exceeded her allotted days for this year and last by a total of 402 days) and now she's mumbling to me about her health benefits coverage, calling me "Jack" over and over again. Look, I can't have her HMO just swap out her cancelled policy. The woman was DEAD!

Next, I see Bill Buchanan is no longer on the payroll effective twenty minutes ago. Normally I'd process that paperwork right away but in looking at his file I see the same thing happened to him 2 years ago. After being suspended, he was later reinstated four hours later. Look, I know things get busy with operations, etc. but I am not going to go through all this paperwork (cutting a severance check, closing out his 401(k) account, filling out the COBRA forms, etc.) unless I know for a fact that Buchanan is finished. See, I'm catching onto you guys, so don't expect to see that file get processed until next month, ya dig?

And finally, what the hell am I supposed to do with Jack Bauer??? Two years ago, he was presumed dead (another dead person!) and then he came back onto the payroll. Just as quickly he disappears to China. He blew through all his sick days and vacation time while there, just like Audrey Raines. And then he comes back today, only to later go "rogue." Am I supposed to dock him for the hours he's gone "rogue?" Also, I made the mistake of going through his whole file, and you wouldn't believe what I found- the man hasn't been paid in years! I fried my MS Excel program just calculating his back pay. This is quite simply the biggest HR file nightmare I have ever seen in all my years in the profession.

I need support from you guys, and I need it pronto. I saw Morris O'Brian drinking whisky out by the dumpster earlier today, and you know what, I think I'm going to join him.


L P said...

HA HA. Excellent.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Clark Bar said...

That's the funniest thing I've read all week...

Anonymous said...

Funny funny shit.

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