Monday, January 22, 2007

The Jack Sack's tips for surviving a nuclear blast

Aside from being "the world's deadliest manpurse," The Jack Sack is also a certified grief counselor. So here are a few tips The Jack Sack has for Jack Bauer following the nuke blast in Valencia, CA:

1. Don't look at the bloody thing! A nuclear blast consists of three elements, all dangerous: the blast radius, radiation and light. If you think looking into the sun is tough, try taking in the flash off a nuke blast. Unless you're blessed with a second eyelid, look away!

2. Quit your job in a rash, emotional frame of mind. Generally speaking, the last thing you want to think about is office work, am I right? Well how about after a nuke goes off? HELL NO! Quit your job, it will give you a momentary sense of power that you need to come out on the other side of this traumatic event. If you're game, rip a few tags off the matresses in your house too.

3. If you want to cry, let it out. Crying is good! It's best that you do it- but for the sake of your own well-cultivated image as a badass, do it alone or where nobody can see your face. I mean this is war, pal, don't you forget it! Oh, and puking is optional.

4. If you feel better after crying, see if you can get your job back. Ok, so you've had your moment to yourself, you're feeling a lot better thanks to the cleansing power of tears. Here's the moment when you snap back into your old habits, and nothing is better for that than getting back your old job. If you're going to return to your old job, don't ask for it- take it back from your old boss. He will be confused and ask you "Wait, I thought you said you were out?" Yeah, well guess what, NOT AFTER THIS! Your erradic behavior will overwhelm your former employer and faster than you can say W-2, you will be back on the payroll!

5. Kill. Kill. Kill. Okay, the terrorists had to go an use a nuke. Well, Jack, you know what that means: GAME ON. Now that you've successfully navigated several stages of grief, you're able to be a functional kill machine again. I mean let's be honest, acceptance is never going to happen, so skip that stage and get to a new stage I like to call "revenge." You've got to stay ahead of the curve all day long, so the kill count is going to get pretty high. Get on it and make the world a safer place by killing as many bad dudes as possible.

Well, that's it for now, I'm glad we had this talk!


Spencer said...

The exact steps apply when you get dumped.

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