Monday, May 15, 2006

Quantum Physicist At Oxford Wins Nobel Prize For "The Jack Sack Theorem"

Dr. Nikolas Van Helsing, professor of quantum physics at Oxford University was bestowed the honor of the Nobel Prize in Physics for his groundbreaking study of the seemingly inexplicable physical properties of The Jack Sack.

Dr. Van Helsing, a native of Romania, accepted the award at a ceremony this morning, saying that to not tackle The Jack Sack anomaly would further confuse and frustrate all physicists for generations to come.

"The Jack Sack offers many mysteries at first glace," Dr. Van Helsing stated to the international press corp. in Stockholm. "Are we to accept that a plain canvas bag, khaki-green in color, and rough in texture, is capable of holding cell phones, demagnetizers, silencers, PDAs, invisibility hooded sweatshirts, gatling guns, surface-to-air rocket launchers, anti-aircraft stations, the Encyclopedia Britannica, Jimmy Hoffa's body AND the Lost Ark of the Covenant? Ten years ago, a young graduate student came to me with a distrurbed look on her face. She was troubled by this very threshold question: is The Jack Sack above the laws of physics? After years of work I can say that the answer is a resounding 'No.'"

The Jack Sack Theorem explains that the reason so many objects can fit into such a modestly sized sack has to do with the Super String theory. In short, the Super String theory proposes that our universe is composed of more than the readily observable physical dimensions (three spacial and one temproal, totalling four dimensions). According to String theorists, there exists ten distinct dimensions, six more than the four we can measure in our macro-physical environment. Generally speaking, when an item is placed in The Jack Sack, it exists in not only our physical space, but on the quantum level in multiple places simultaneously. Therefore, in theory, there is no limit to the amount of mass one can place inside The Jack Sack. Some women can attest to this theory themselves by looking into their own purses only to see that they cannot find their car keys. The keys in a ladie's purse, like the items in The Jack Sack, are in a suspended physical state. Dr. Van Helsing tells us that this is a phenomenon we have all experienced, despite our station in life. Upon hearing of this news, Harrison Ford was seen looking for his long-missing career in his girlfriend's purse.

While Dr. Van Helsing has gained mass approval for his "Jack Sack Theorem" from the scientific community, there is a minority view that strongly disagrees with the scientific approach. These people, The Sackniks, believe The Jack Sack is not of this world and that some unknown power has brought it to Earth and handed it to the great warior Jack Bauer so that he may do justice with it's gifts. The Sackniks dismiss Dr. Van Helsing's theory of multiple dimensions as absurd, saying that science seeks to discredit The Jack Sack's power. The Sackniks staged a widely-ignored protest with eight members showing outside of the Nobel Prize ceremony. One leader of The Sackniks seemed unconcerned about the lack of enthusiasm for their work, stating "Didn't Jesus start out with only a few of his buddies? This is only the beginning!"

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey, that's Jack Elam!

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Adam Cohen said...

Is comment #2 a spam message? Let's all click the silly hyperlink arrow to find out!

white trash republican said...

What I really want to know is the source of the magic crystal that keeps his cell phone charged indefinately.
Does Jack Sack know the secret?

Adam Cohen said...

Ah, I was going to touch on this issue in a subsequent post- it turns out the Council of Evil Bluetooth Dudes represent big oil interests that seek to destroy Bauer and capture his seemingly endless cellphone energy supply. Basically, Bauer holds technology that would RUIN them! We'll get soemthing on this real soon, thanks for posting.

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