The following is a letter I received from our good friend, The Jack Sack:
How is everybody's summer going? Good? Super. Mine? Ha, funny you should ask. Well, Jack and I got nabbed by those wicked Chinese just after we saved the planet from nefarious villains seeking to undo our Judeo-Christian Capitalist society (again!). I'm all for a little adventure on the high seas, but when these Chinese agents threw a bag over Jack's head and pushed us aboard some non-descript barge bound for Shanghai, I knew things weren't looking good. Say what you will about how Chinese food leaves you hungry a half-hour later, but after the ass-whipping they gave Jack once we set sail, I don't think he was thinking about food for a good two days!
Now, as far as I was concerned, the Chinese agents briefly discussed throwing me overboard to drown a hero's death. I was not terribly happy about this plan. I am The Jack Sack. I contain secrets to the Universe that are seldom comprehensible to the pedestrian human race. I can hold unlimited amounts of mass at any given moment. I am a quantum anomaly. And this fucktard low-level Chinese dude wants to throw me in the ocean? Blow me, Ping.
So, without needing to raise my displeasure, luckily one of the senior agents saw me and ordered that I remain aboard. They decided to let me be, and threw me in a pile with Jack's shoes and fashionable brown hooded sweatshirt. And get this, the sweatshirt is convinced that he can make Jack invisible, like Harry Potter or some shit. Yeah, that trick worked like a charm...
I am scared and I see no way out of this hell. Tell me, are the Yankees doing well? I'll write back soon.
-The Jack Sack