We are The Republic of Uzbekistan. We like your Louisianna: we are both poor, ignored and hard for you assholes to find on map!
Rebels are fierce this year. We have strong men, but they don't like to jump on landmine! We lose many to the winter. My wives are thinking of leaving me. I say fuck dammit to that, I want new wives anyway. I babble again like fat rich woman on american television. You have problems too, no? I hope you enjoy your fucking gas prices, we suffer everyday eating snakes and surplus leather boots!
I hear on short-wave radio that your secret agent Bower is in trouble with President. Bower is like full-grown lamb-kiler. He no need weapons, he need ten minutes in closed room to finish off lamb! We love Bower, we hope he kill your president! We ask he come here to kill rebels next, we are offering our cleanest women to him! Please tell him about this!
Human rights is problem here, much like at CTU. Thanks to your suggestion, we have given our warriors this Jack Sack to ensure successes in killing. So far, we have killed a hairless Yeti cub who we mistook for rebel in disguise. We threw a PDA at his head and imagine our surprise when it exploded! What do you Yanks do with your free time? Marvelous works I imagine!
That was two weeks ago and the men are just finishing with his carcass this morning!
Very well, we write back soon with more news about Jack Sack. Please tell Bower we need his anger and bloodlust. Tell him we have no Miranda Rights too!!!!