Monday, March 29, 2010
Why is everybody whispering on 24 tonight? It's pissing me off!
If you're a mole, you need to whisper intel to the bad guys- that I get. You're at work, you're surrounded by good guys and you're single-handedly undermining the entire effort to save Western Civilization (for what? We don't know yet, but it's probably money and a suite in a Dubai tower or some nonsense). So, whisper your little heart out, Dana Walsh. That's completely acceptable villainous behavior.
(One key piece of information culled from the Walsh/Terrorist whisper-chat is that she's working for someone else. Of course, this is the same person or group that got her criminal ass into CTU in the first place. Let the speculation on the identity of this uber-villain begin!)
Meanwhile, CTU Director Hastings briefs the President (who just woke up apparently?) that the nuclear material is taking Manhattan like a bunch of Muppets (ANIMAL! A-NI-MALLLL!!!!) and she immediately replies: "Get me Jack Bauer." Damn straight, Madame President!
Jack, fresh from a stabbing and some gunshots to the chest, rolls his eyes at Chico, Jr. when he asks if Chloe is trustworthy. Jack then fails to convince Renee Walker to go back to his apartment, she wants to ride along on the crazy train a little while longer. That's quite alright with me, now that Renee has worked out her Russian issues hours ago.
Jack meets President Hassan's hair in the UN Security Council room to whisper some stuff about getting him "not killed" any further. I admit that seeing the one-man torture machine standing in the UN as kind of ironic, if not absurd. I like the scenes between Anil Kapoor and Kiefer Sutherland- they are prime examples of professional acting. In another universe, these two guys should do a buddy cop movie together. Something set in the '70s, with lots of chili dogs and shitty driving through San Francisco. Anyway... why were they whispering?
Terrorist Tony Al-Qaeda (thank you for the nickname, Amy!) chats calmly (almost whispers!) with President Taylor and informs her that he's chillin' on some nuclear rods that will take out 40 NYC blocks unless she hands over President Hassan's luxurious hair. Immediately afterwards, Taylor sits though several excruciating minutes of terrible political dialogue (in which her television advisors throw out some absurd ideas like giving in to the terrorists and selling off Florida to the commies, etc.) and she finally flips out and says "No! We're America! AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!" Cue swelling music! I'm setting off fireworks in my house in celebration of Taylor's awesomeness.
Meanwhile, some General (I think his name is Burr) is not convinced Taylor (who saved the country last time things went nutty) gets the seriousness of the situation. So, Gen. Burr tries to enlist Chief of Staff Skippy to help him circumvent the US Constitution to stop the terrorist attacks. More whispering!!! Geez, I may be getting older, but I think my hearing is still within a nominal range. I got my TV volume set to 40! And then when the CLASH OF THE TITANS commercial plays afterwards I go deaf with the cry "Release the Krakken!" Ouch!
Anyway, you know where this is going to lead- some silly rehash of Mike Novick's betrayal of David Palmer. Skippy, I know Mike Novick, Mike Novick is a friend of mine, ah, you know the rest of that sentence! Back at CTU (working off of room-temperature shrimp and buckets of cold coffee), CTU Director Hastings gives a Knute Rockne speech telling his people to save the world by making phone calls and chatting to people. Ummm, can we use Twitter too, boss? I see #nuclearholocaust is trending like a sunovagun!
Gen. Burr tracks down Chief of Staff Skipster one more time, handing him a jump drive that will cause the downfall of the Taylor Administration. Ethan Kanin walks in on these two traitors and has a timely heart attack, but not before giving Skippy a guilt-trip. I groan at this sort of writing. I... (sigh) let's move on! Gen. Burr has a crack team of commandos roving around, ready to intercept Jack & Co. while they attempt to escort Hassan to freedom. Too bad these patriots aren't trying to find the nuclear material or bad guys, right? Yeah, well I smell a contrived gunfight coming but I'll take that over no gunfight at all. Lucky for us, Bauer is attempting to move Hassan down a tunnel that's ripe for an ambush! Jack, suspicious of this whole deal, makes a phone call demanding to speak with Kanin, which Skippy intercepts. Jack hates Skippy and almost drops an F-bomb (come on, Jack, it's the last season! Say it!). And just like that, a gunfight replete with terrible aim by professional killers unfolds.
The heroic Secret Service lays down cover fire so Jack and Hassan can flee safely. There are rules to these types of things. The leader of the Secret Service team, a tough-as-nails young lady, gets the most kills against the bad guys because 1) she had lines of dialogue and 2) it's obvious that the writers have a thing for girls with guns (Renee, Chloe, etc.). I wonder if the writers hang around gun ranges in their off hours, trying to meet single ladies packing heat. Ha!
President Hassan makes an awesome kill to close out the gunfight (refrigerator salesman my foot!) and the surviving soldier unloads a ton of helpful intelligence which basically reveals the entire traitorous conspiracy to Jack. The soldier tells Jack to give Hassan up to the terrorists and Jack says he's not too keen on the idea!
Dana and Tony Al-Qaeda have one last brief whisper-fest which results in the terrorists deciding to skip abducting Hassan and go straight for the dirty bomb plan. Why did they bother trying to get Hassan again? They gave up so quickly on the idea, it's as if they really didn't care about it anyway. This is like making a waiter go through the whole list of daily specials when you already knew what you were going to order beforehand. You're just wasting time, man!
So, the bomb is set to go off next episode, and we get a 2-hour bonanza next week which means I need to get some extra sleep!