Formula for a fun time

Several Red Stripes: $20-30







A few unnecessary Jeager shots: $10-15







Jack Links Beef Jerky at 1AM: $6.99







Preaching the Good Life with Rickey Henderson: Priceless

Mr. Bauer goes to Washington?

Hiya folks, every now and then Rickey likes to check in with a periodical update on all things 24-related. For the confused & bewildered, you’ll notice that Rickey’s posts now come to you with special third-person action. It’s been several long weeks since Rickey signed on to be the ombudsman of this blog and he damn well wants his own dressing room now. You hear that Adam? His own fucking dressing room! And whores, expensive whores! These occasional pants-free decrees just aren’t cutting it anymore buddy…

Ahem. Having now firmly established himself as the “id” of this blog, Rickey would now like to discuss the recent story about the seventh season of 24 being set in Washington D.C. First off, we like the idea, we really do. A change in scenery is a fantastic thing, and frankly, the whole Africa pitch sounded a little far fetched. Kiefer’s great at tracking down cartoonish caricatures of terrorists, but the idea of him single handedly wiping out apartheid seems like a bit of a reach, no?

So it’s on to swampy D.C. for season seven. And here are a few plot elements that Rickey thinks should occur in this exciting new locale:

Ideally, Day 7 should transpire sometime during Washington’s annual Cherry Blossom Festival. Naturally, Jack would commemorate the occasion by ripping all the city’s cherry trees out of the ground and flinging them into the Potomac.

One hour must be devoted entirely to Jack going insane and pummeling Anne Coulter. No commercial breaks.

Another hour would be devoted to Jack seriously losing his shit and rampaging through Alberto Gonzalez’s office. (You know what? Rickey has a laundry list of D.C. folks he’d like to see Bauerized, so we’ll stop now before things get too angry/divisive). More things we’d enjoy seeing:

Some sort of long, protracted gun fight in Union Station. (That one’s kind of inevitable).

Jack climbing up the Washington Monument and swatting down attacking biplanes.

Noah Daniels being politely asked to leave the Ronald Regan section of the Smithsonian due to an embarrassing bout of open weeping.

Nadia doing body shots at a George Washington University party (those GW kids party harder than you’d think).

Morris sweating profusely in the sub-tropical climate and making the bold decision to unfasten yet another shirt button.

Chloe going batshit crazy while trying to navigate Dupont Circle.

Kim Bauer lost and alone in the D.C. zoo after dark. It's comedy gold!

…And that’s all we can think of for now. Further thoughts/suggestions should be left in the comments section below.

Liberace in Space? Tallyho!

Long-time readers of The Jack Sack know that Trek Movie Report is a friend to this blog. Anthony Pascale runs a top-notch site, and he's breaking news on the upcoming Star Trek movie as we speak (check out his reporting from the San Diego Comic Con this week). Well, Anthony has kindly given me the chance to review another of the ongoing remastered Original Series episodes airing in syndication. Last week's episode is "The Squire of Gothos" and here's my review.

Travel Log: I'm tired of traveling.

Greetings Sack Pack,

It's become a running joke that I haven't blogged nearly as much as of late. Sure, I'm busy with work, my writing, and learning to play the spoons. But the month of July was also a month of traveling for me- starting with a trip to Montreal, going to Rhode Island and ending this past weekend with a wedding in Sioux Falls, SD. I did some rudimentary calculations on the distance I've traversed in the past three weeks, and the grand total is 3,419 miles. That's farther than the distance from New York, NY to Anchorage, AK (which comes in at 3,365 miles). This picture tells the story:

Now, I'm back in NY for the foreseeable future (perhaps I'll take a trip to North Carolina at the end of August to close out the summer). That means I'll be sitting in front of my computer more often-- which means more Jack Sack for you miserable ingrates.

Rickey, can you top that?

-Adam

CTU Denver: 10:00-11:00AM

Here's Hour 3 of our ongoing (and back-on-track!) series:

While Agent Mike Doyle confronts his unlikely doppelganger, former child-star Ricky Schroder in an epic battle of the wills, Schroder's partners in mischief and terror meet to plan out their nefarious plot against the free world!

INT. RAMADA INN. GARY COLEMAN'S SUITE.

Danny Bonaduce and Mindy Cohn are sitting uncomfortably on a twin bed together. Kirk Cameron is sitting on a corner chair, reading from Gideons Bible to pass the time. The door swings open and the pitter-patter of feet is heard, but no person is visible.

DANNY BONADUCE (perking up from his slouch)
Is that you Coleman?

A boyish giggle is heard from behind the twin bed.

DANNY BONADUCE
Dude, enough of the games, just tell me the Continental breakfast was still available. I need a GODDAMN cheese Danish!

KIRK CAMERON (head jerking up from the Bible)
Woah!

DANNY BONADUCE
Sorry, Cammy. (turns to bed) Gary, are you gonna make me come underneath the bed to get my Danish.

Danny Bonaduce looks over and sees Mindy Cohn paying extra attention to what's transpiring.

DANNY BONADUCE
Gary, you're getting Mindy excited. Just give me the Danish and put this little episode behind us.

A shadowy figure bolts from underneath the bed and climbs the curtains and hides in the lampshade.

KIRK CAMERON (standing and placing his hand cautiously on Danny's shoulder)
Danny, that's not Gary Coleman! That's someone... something else. (holds up the Bible) The Power of Christ compels you! Away with you, Hell beast!

Suddenly GARY COLEMAN enters the hotel room.

GARY (all huffy)
Man, what's going on in here? Are y'all scaring our newest team member?

DANNY BONADUCE
Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Gary?

GARY
Fool, that's Emmanuel Lewis up in that lampshade. Did you upset him? Get out of my way!

Gary walks over to the lampshade and looks up at his hidden friend. After a few grunts and clicking noises from the lamp, Emmanuel Lewis finally drops down and lands on Gary's shoulder. Gary feeds him a nondescript piece of food, probably a dog biscuit of some sort. Emmanuel Lewis devours the vittles. Mindy Cohn makes a groaning noise. Gary shrugs his shoulders and tosses a dog treat at Mindy, which she snaps out of the air with zeal.

DANNY BONADUCE
Holy Mother of-

KIRK
Uh-uh, Danny. What did I tell you about swearing? I can't enter His Kingdom if I'm surrounded by people who take the Lord's name in vain.

DANNY BONADUCE
Sorry, Cam-- I want you to get in there, trust me. (To Gary) So, is the Continental Breakfast over?

Gary nods.

DANNY BONADUCE
Dammit!

KIRK
Woah!

DANNY BONADUCE
Sorry! (sighs) It's just those Ramada Inn Danishes are like methadone for me. (shakes his arms, trying to loosen up) Okay, so we're all here then?

GARY
Not quite, Ricky Schroder got picked up by CTU last night.

DANNY BONADUCE
Where is he now?

GARY
He's at CTU here in Denver-- our "mole" is giving us a real-time feed on CTU's operations.

KIRK CAMERON
We have to abort the operation. If Ricky has talked to-

DANNY BONADUCE
Cammy, babe- listen to what you're saying! Ricky Schroder is the hardest member of this team. This is the guy who sat through several years of Dennis Farina's bare-ass and he held strong. CTU can't make him talk. But we're a man short now. (looks at Gary and Emmanuel) Sorry.

Emmanuel Lewis makes some squishy noises and smiles. He then picks at Gary's afro, pulling out lint and other particles.

GARY
No, I can take the jokes.

KIRK CAMERON
Okay, so we need to fill Ricky's spot. Any ideas?

GARY
I could always call up Todd Bridges.

DANNY BONADUCE
We got enough crack addicts in the room already, Gary, sorry. No, I think we need to call in someone special. He's our newest recruit-- he just got pinched for a DUI this year... here's his rap sheet (tosses it on the bed).

Mindy Cohn leans forward and smiles with approval. The spider-monkey Emmanuel Lewis starts clicking with glee.

CUT TO:

INT. DARK ROOM.

A phone sits on the desk and it rings. A hand moves to pick it up, but we cannot see the person's face.

DANNY BONADUCE (VOICE)
It's me. Are you ready to make your bones with our crew?

The face of the person on the phone leans forward into the light.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT
I see dead people... they're in CTU!

Bleep-bleep-bloop-bloop.

NEXT TIME ON CTU DENVER-- The Former Child Actor's have to make immediate moves to enact their mysterious plot of terror while Agent Doyle has to turn elsewhere for answers...

24 News: CTU Africa? Not so fast!

TV Guide reports that a proposed story involving Africa for Day 7 has been 86'ed by the FOX network (producers of such great hits as "Man v. Beast" and "So You Think You Can (fill in the blank)?") for being too costly. This is troubling to me, as I had long hoped Jack Bauer would exact revenge against one of his daughter's greatest attackers-- that's right, the cougar. Imagine 24 hours of Jack hunting down these jackals of the Serengeti with nothing but a PDA and a canvas man-bag. They could even squeeze in a scene where Bauer kills John Mellencamp, "accidentally" mistaking him for a cougar.

Sorry, FOX, but you dropped the ball on this one. The show's production is now delayed for at least three weeks. Does it trouble you all that the writers have three weeks to decide on the whole storyline for Day 7?

CTU DENVER IS BACK!!!

Starting next week, that is! In the meantime, enjoy this funkalicious video. Crank this mutha!