Previously on 24: Jack is the smartest man on Earth. Tell me something I don't know!
Charles Logan is in the building! But for how long? I predict that Jack Bauer has something to say about that! And Logan's lapdog tells the former Commander-in-Thief that Jack is out for entrails- that justice is not the only thing on Jack's menu of death.
Jack tells Jessica Stein that she's in the same doghouse as he and Mr. Blonde. She is slow to understand what this situation means, so Jack has to demonstrate it by destroying her cellphone before her contract with Sprint® has expired. I hope she had insurance on that thing, but chances are she doesn't. Her cellphone book of uninspired gentlemen suitors dies in that very moment.
Logan, meanwhile, breaks it to Taylor that she's in a very presidential sort of trouble thanks to... well, his colossal screwups! And get this- he actually blames her for being such a dizzy broad! Wow- Logan really knows how to work a room. I have to say that, despite his evildoing, Logan is an amazing person. Insane? Sociopathic? Sure, but he'll kick your ass and make you apologize for taking it. This guy could teach us all a thing or two about life.
Back at CTU (the most passive agency throughout all of Day 8), Arlo and Chloe are pouring over surveillance footage of Jack's mall cop routine. They figure out that Jack's dead buddy, Mr. Blonde, is not dead. Sure, why not- a computer can't lie, right?
Speaking of Mr. Blonde, Jack has his buddy find Logan's location via the magic of computers. Mr. Blonde is kind of cranky about Jack's crazy plan, but like a real good friend, he makes only the obligatory "Jack, this is crazy" speech. This is who Jack always needed to work with-- a guy who is smart enough not to do the stuff Jack does, but is fully willing to enable his friend's trip off the cliff. It's like the bartender who feeds his patron a straight series of whiskeys and then says "Hey, maybe you should take a cab home- oh, by the way, I found your car keys on the bathroom floor, here ya go." Whatever lets you sleep at night, Blonde!
And Madame President is going off her own cliff- she advises the ubiquitous Tim Woods to CENSOR THE PRESS and violate the Constitution. Tim, ever the stalwart like Mr. Blonde, makes his obligatory protest and then says "Yes, Ma'am" in order to keep the plot moving along a ridiculous path. Rock on, Timmy!
Jack hauls his Jack Sack XXL all about Manhattan looking for a place to seize Logan. I would offer a product link to this duffel bag of justice, but none of you will buy it, and to anyone who would, I don't want to be a middleman in that transaction. You need help, people. I want you to promise me that you'll call a therapist. Please.
And then Darth Bauer shows up. Holy. Shit.
Wow. Words cannot describe the degree of awesome that unfolds. I will find that mask and I will link to where you can buy it. I give you my word. This year, all 24 fans are going as Darth Bauer for Halloween.
The entire world cannot fathom what's taken place. I'm sitting here questioning my ability to comprehend things as well. Jack Bauer took down a presidential limo (mind you a retired version, meant to carry former presidents, not the sitting one) and kidnapped the biggest bastard to ever walk this Earth.
Jack gets Logan alone and works him over good enough to get Logan to crack- which constitutes a little shoving and some yelling. That was hard! In Logan's defense, he spent a lot of time picking out that nice necktie, and Jack got it all wrinkled! Stupid, mean Jack!
Logan then gets dealt a patented Bauer-Sleeper hold- which gives Jack enough time to escape the area as Logan's lapdog closes in on their location. The lapdog is on the verge of tears when he sees his personal hero laying unconscious on the floor. He screams to his supermodel assistant "Eden! Eden! Logan's sleeping! OMFG! Eden we need smelling salts! Stat!" I am beginning to question the lapdog's mental health at this moment. Dude, Eden is where it's at!
Eden, meanwhile, gives Chloe a hard time for reactivating Chico, Jr. Chloe's response: You lost Jack Bauer, you fat bitch. Owned. Chloe then has to explain to Chico, Jr. that he's allowed to find Mr. Blonde, but he has to keep his stupid mouth shut. Chico seems okay with this, and conversationally asks "Has Jack resurfaced yet?" Chloe deadpans "You can say that..." Awesome.
Jack inflitrates Russian security so he can follow down Logan's intel on Minister Nopeaceinourtimeovich being the mastermind of the day's awful events. Jack runs into some Ruskie limo driver who gives up the goods on the security situation very succinctly. Finally, someone knows what to do! Just tell Jack what he wants to know already! We have 2-plus hrs to go! We're running out of time! (drinks). And then Jack kills a few more Ruskies in Grand Theft Auto style. This episode is epic.
Jessica Stein gets a call into the most useless person imaginable, Hassan's daughter. She tells Kayla about the whole plot but gets nabbed by the FBI within seconds of making the call. Taylor learns of Stein's arrest and signs her own death warrant by saying "Keep that evidence for me only."
Meanwhile, Minister Nopeaceinourtimeovich turns up all sorts of dead and everyone on the side of evil is concerned about what he may have told Bauer before being skewered like a kabob. So, what's the big secret? That the Russian President was the one behind it all! Logan and Yuri are apparently pals, even though Logan almost got this guy killed a few years ago. Nice... well, lucky for them, Jack had Logan's phone tapped the whole time. And Jack's now completely up to speed on who needs to die. Two hours of 24 left. If they are nearly as good as this perfect episode, we're going out in a big way. Is it possible to be better than perfect? Of course, you fools! Jack Bauer is going to show us how it's done.