24: LEGACY 5:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. Quick Review

Well, that was an hour of complete mayhem!

In as much as the "Events occur in real time" can be believed, this episode pulled off about three episodes of plot, action and twists.

"These gunrunners aren't like T-Rexes, they can see you even if you're completely still."

Previously on 24: LEGACY, Eric Carter watched his brother-in-arms, Ben Grimes, take a bullet to the head from the now also-dead arms dealer, Gabriel. While CTU agents with technological expertise rifle through Gabriel's laptop, they chuckle at the guy's Amazon order history (eyedrops and 1,000-piece cat puzzles!), CTU Agent Locke starts ragging on Grimes to Carter. Come on, Locke, show some class! Carter (barely) keeps his cool and tells Locke that Grimes knowingly sacrificed himself to get to Gabriel, so you best believe in what that laptop full of Golden Girls torrented episodes will eventually yield.

"Listen, he watched JURASSIC PARK too many times and it got him killed."

Meanwhile, somewhere in suburbia, Amira(!) and her brother Khasan are finishing preparations for a terrorist attack. Papa is still tied up with duct tape (what can't you do with that stuff, right?) and the poor guy is still being ignored by his two psychotic kids. As we'll discuss later, I'm surprised that Papa isn't making a bigger effort to get himself free from his chair while his kids go off to the garage to make ammonia nitrate bombs. Maybe he thinks they'll knock off this game of "Cops and Terrorists" because millennials never actually finish what they start. I don't think they're playing around, Papa. Get out of that chair!

Back at Gabriel's treehouse of terror, the CTU Geek Squad happily informs the team that they found a ton of valuable intel, so Grimes redeemed himself in the end. I still wonder why Gabriel told Carter "I don't deal with terrorists" just before killing himself last episode. Anyway, we learn that Gabriel imported Jadallah bin-Khalid and his band of terrorists in a shipping container marked as livestock. This one's a head-scratcher because Customs usually gets antsy if you try to bring beef jerky in from another country, let alone living animals! Gabriel kept great records though- he had copies of the bad guys' fake passports, all having the same home address, which happens to be their real hideout. Huh?

Mullins tells Locke to go to the address and to bring Carter along since he's a motivated guy! Let's ignore the grand theft auto and stolen, CLASSIFIED, missile plans Carter used to get to Gabriel too. Mullins is either very smart or very dumb, but the writers seem to not care which is the case because we need to keep Carter onscreen for the action. In the car ride over to the bin-Khalid's hideout, Locke even tries to ease the earlier tension by complimenting Carter on how he cleaned his rifle. Carter, like all of us watching, basically tells Locke to shut the hell up. This undoubtedly sends Locke back to his well-worn copy of "How To Win Friends and Influence People" which he keeps in his breast pocket. I sure hope you're better at shooting bad guys, Locke.

Before the CTU tac team can make it to bin-Khalid's house, some no-good, lousy freelance journalist (a "stringer," as they call it on 24: LEGACY) publishes a TV news report showing Gabriel's place crawling with law enforcement. If you've seen the film NIGHTCRAWLER, you'll know how these folks operate- they monitor the local police band and show up to get whatever footage they can, which they later sell to a news station. Mullins and Ingram (yeah, she's still on the show!) realize that this will tip off bin-Khalid that his location has been compromised- and they're right. One of the terrorists (tired of monitoring the local police band apparently) was watching Rachael Ray peeling a mango, when the local news broke in with a SPECIAL BULLETIN about a no-name warehouse where a bunch of police cars are hanging out with their lights on. "Jadallah! Mangoes are rich in vitamins and fiber and Gabriel's house has been invaded!" The terrorists immediately close up operations and evade capture by CTU. DAMN IT!

"Billy, reach for the knife, I dare you! I double dare you!"

Adding to the list of "close but no cigar" moments of victory, Chem Teach shows up at Amira's(!) house with the final chemical mix for the bombs. He also wants to take Amira(!) away from her brother so they can "be together like we talked about." While everyone not named "Chem Teach" rolls their eyes at this sicko, he swipes Khasan's gun and shoots its owner in the gut. This allows Khasan a few minutes of painful existence in which he can tell Amira(!) to finish what he started. Amira(!) stabs Chem Teach in the back and heart with a screwdriver and swings by Papa's room to tell him "Thanks for all the fish." Papa, realizing that his terrorist kid is actually a terrorist, manages to free himself of his duct tape shackles within 30 seconds of actually trying. Oh come on with this junk! Papa gets to the garage and calls his daughter using Khasan's phone. I half expected and wholly hoped that Papa would impersonate his dead son and say "AMIRA! I was wrong to store all those bombs in the box truck you're now driving. Come home and let's eat soup with Papa!" but unfortunately Papa does the same thing that failed to work the first ten times he tried- he begs his daughter to not be a terrorist. She tells her dad that she's going through with the attack, just as she passes a sign for the George Washington Bridge. Uh oh...

Papa calls 911 and within a minute his call's transcript is sent to CTU. Okay, fine, I guess we need to remember that this is a TV show, but let's go easy on the whole "Your government and its agencies are faster than a Dunkin Donuts drive-thru" schtick. However, this leads to the single most ridiculous sequence of the season so far- Mullins calls a Port Authority officer who's stationed on the bridge's upper level. Officer Jenkins is having an iced coffee and listening to James Taylor's Greatest Hits when Mullins orders him to start walking on the bridge that is full of speeding cars so he can intercept the box truck full of explosive fertilizer. Jenkins actually does this, almost getting clipped several times along the way. But he spots the truck and immediately shoots at the driver, stopping it cold! Wow, look at Jenkins! Before Jenkins can secure the scene, Mullins excitedly calls Jenkins' cell phone to ask him how it feels to be a badass American hero. "Uhh, Mullins, I gotta check to see if the driver's really down, oh I found the trigger, it's in her dead hand, OH NO SHE'S NOT DEAD!"

And then the bomb goes off.

The explosion takes out the middle section of the bridge and many people die. I won't go into my genuine feelings on this because 24 is a fictional show and it isn't meant to be taken seriously. Let's just say that I don't derive any entertainment from seeing something like that happen.

Here's the traffic cam from Narnia or some other mythical, bullshit realm.

I will, however, mock the shit out of the traffic pattern depicted at 5:55 p.m. Here's your daily reality check: the George Washington Bridge at rush hour is its own version of hell. I drive by the bridge twice every weekday and it looks nothing like the NASCAR speedway from tonight's episode. Heck, you could do a whole episode of that box truck just trying to get past the NJ tolls! That traffic jam would have probably done more to prevent any attack than the entirety of federal/state law enforcement- just ask Chris Christie how that traffic works.

Odds and ends: Carter was without his CarterClutch™ for the second episode in a row and it's no coincidence that events are spiraling out of control.  Also, Jadallah bin-Khalid and his crew managed to kidnap Isaac and Nicole while taking out a CTU Uber vehicle and a bunch of Isaac's worst shots. Jadallah calls up Carter and says "I need tech support to fix my busted thumb drive or else your brother and wife will be forced to watch the 22 hours of Rachael Ray I have on my DVR!" "JADALLAH YOU MONSTER!"

Next week, Carter shoots Jadallah('s DVR). OH AND THE ONE TRUE SOULPATCH IS BACK!