Previously on 24: I don't remember what the heck happened. It's been a while. I'm guessing Jack was on Dancing With The Stars and wrote a book about gluten-free living.
[I missed the first 2 minutes of the show because my cat, Clementine, wanted to eat so my attention was all over the place. Oh yeah, since we last spoke, I got a cat! She's wonderful, you'll read more about her in the coming weeks]
Bauer is walking around in the dark when a handful of feeble government agents take him into custody. Meanwhile, the United States finally got a decent option for the White House and elected James Heller as its President. And then, just as quickly as we can celebrate this moment, we learn that Heller's Chief of Staff is a scumbag who looks a lot like Tate Donovan.
On the "good guys" side we have Kate (from CHUCK) and that guy from Law & Order's middle seasons (he dated Julia Roberts, yeah, you don't remember his name either). Even though they never closed the deal, I'll call him Mr. Julia Roberts.
Meanwhile, in Afghanistan- people are cranky. This will evolve into lots of yelling and hugging.
Back in London, Kate is looking at Bauer. Kate is a disgraced CIA Agent on her way out of the London office. She has a purse full of CIA pens and envelopes. But she's a good cop with a complicated personal life which included a "husband-selling-secrets-to-China" problem. She's the only one who thinks Jack let himself get caught. She is the only smart person in the CIA.
Mr. Julia Roberts starts interrogating Bauer. Bauer is shirtless and he looks like Frankenstein's monster from the neck down. It's 21 minutes into the episode and he still hasn't said a word. This is fantastic.
The CIA office is up to some bad business down in the basement. It seems our friend Chloe O'Brien fell out of a Amy Winehouse concert into a torture table. And this is why Jack let himself get captured, so he could rescue his best friend.
Chief of Staff guy is looking at Bauer's service records- the confirmed kills that clog his computer. But OH MY GOD, SCUMBAG CHIEF OF STAFF IS PRESIDENT HELLER'S SON-IN-LAW. MR. AUDREY RAINES! For reasons obviously not connected to Audrey having a thing with Jack, her husband is now telling his aide to give Jack to the Russians. Yes, the Chinese are over Jack, but the Russians will have their shot maybe!
Back in the interrogation room (it's only been 10 minutes) and now Mr. Roberts is telling Jack that Kim has had another child- a boy! Mazel Tov, Grandpa Jack! Kate pulls Mr. Roberts out of the room mid-gloating to tell him that Jack let himself get caught. Mr. Roberts isn't buying it. She quickly locks herself into the room with Jack for 10 seconds, gets Jack to have an emotion, and we can see he's interested in what Kate's about. Or not. He's Jack, the world comes to him. Mr. Roberts gets back into the room, ejects Kate to finish cleaning out her desk, and then makes a funny face to no one in particular. The closing shot of Mr. Roberts has me thinking he's up to something. Dun dun dun!!!
Jack is taken into the basement where he activates a chip in his wrist and proceeds to kick the living shit out of the two (only two!!!) guards escorting him. Sure enough, Jack gets Chloe free and they begin their escape. Meanwhile, Kate, also a fugitive within her own office (she tased her security escort before he could get her out of the building). She's hunting Bauer. Fugitive vs. fugitive! Crazy! Shots are fired, and we have a gas explosion! Kate catches up to Jack, Jack glares at her, and then Jack does that click-wrist thing (like Mr. Data from The Next Generation) and that signals his helper to send an RPG down into the building. Jack and Chloe get out, jump into RPG Guy's van and off they escape! Ta-Da! Textbook Bauer op.
Heller and Audrey ride around London. Heller is ill with Alzheimer's and he is progressively getting worse. Once this treaty with the British is "locked up" Heller implies he will resign. Don't tell your scumbag husband, Audrey.
Back at the smoked out CIA office, Mr. Roberts knows that Kate is probably his smartest Agent, so he relents and gives her her job back.
Jack and Chloe are getting set to make their next move. Chloe gets dumped out of the van (and sent as an unwitting decoy in jack's larger plan). Jack says "I don't have any friends" to RPG Guy. RPG Guy doesn't seem terribly hurt.
And in Afghanistan, a drone is taken over by bad guys and it attacks an Allied troop convoy. Who did this dastardly deed? I don't know, but I swear I will not rest until I find out! Wait, there's a guy with a computer and he just said "It's done." That's the guy! I can rest now... or maybe he's just a shady dude baking pies. Delicious, freedom-hating pies!
BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP (end 12:00 p.m.)
Chloe wanders the streets aimlessly, and back at the CIA tree house, the kids are all battered, bruised and sad. Kate looks to source a local police officer's help. He has curly hair and a goatee. Is he a friend or a foe? He's someone that Sherlock would ridicule.
There's a CIA guy wearing a crew neck shirt. He hates what Mr. Roberts is doing. He hates Kate too. He hates everything! Except crew neck shirts. My man!
Chloe gets back to her Snowden safehouse. She hugs a creepy old dude. He has nice underwear, I'm guessing. Creepy guys overspend on their underwear.
Jack breaks in, like a cop. What are you doing, Jack? Jack has only one question: which one of you is Derek Yates? No takers. Jack starts roughing up Fancy Knickers. Yates, apparently, is connected to an assassination plot against President Heller. Hearing this, Chloe shakes off the interrogation blues and becomes a fully in-charge leader of these Scooby Hackers. She even snarks at Jack that he should have just asked for her help in finding Yates, instead of using her as bait.
Wow, London is a dump! So far, no one has a nice, stable family situation going on. Some Pixie Girl starts manhandling Evil Pies (the guy who said "It's done" at the end of the last episode). An older woman calls Evil Pies to talk business (she, a woman who eschews indoor lighting). Shadow Lady has an interesting way of saying "schedule"- she says "shhhedule" and that makes Evil Pies repeat it back to her in the same way, even though you know that he really wants to say it the American way. Damn, this show has levels of human complexity that I forgot existed in TV.
(At this point, I'd like to say that I'm feeling the rust coming off, it's been 4 years, right? Wow.)
The Drone pilot in control of the out-of-control drone is being efficiently interviewed by a superior officer. The Drone pilot was set up. Of course, there's a set-up. Poor kid.
Heller meets with Stephen Fry (Prime Minister) and they talk about old guy stuff- prostates, policy-making, etc. Heller then walks off as Audrey continues entertaining him. Heller's team informs the president that there's been a drone attack on Allied troops. Just as he's about to give the PM the news, the PM gets informed by his staff, so there's now a little chill in the air between these two leaders. Here we go, 1776 Part 2!!!!
Chloe asks Jack why he's doing all of this- but Jack is slow with the answers. "This is bigger than Heller" but then he says "I'm doing this because I owe him." Ok, so it's a little confusing. Ooooh, Jack just said "This is our only play" and suddenly I feel like I'm swimming in ice cream again. Chloe offers help to be his comm support. Let's get Yates! Let's make this a 2 hr long season! (I know... not happening).
Alright, Heller wants to speak to Parliament. Mark, the Chief of Scum, hates the idea. Heller also orders his General to hand over the drone pilot to British investigators. The General (Walter from Arrow, a British man I think) is an American General telling the president to not hand over the American soldier to the British- GAH! I'm not ready to blog again!!!
Kate starts closing the net around our fugitive heroes, she's identified Chloe's location through some sort of SIM card thingy her local cop pal had on hand. I don't know. It's unimportant, the thing we need to know is that Kate is resourceful, doesn't play by the rules, and needs to chalk up a win to repair her reputation. Jack and Chloe are already in a van, ready to go catch Yates.
AND JACK IS WEARING HIS MANPURSE! THEJACKSACK IS BACK!
The Drone pilot is shown being put onto a truck for transport. No one is saying nice things to him.
Heller is prepping for a Parliamentary appearance by practicing with Audrey and Mark. Heller kicks unruly ass with inspirational language but then Mark goes off on Heller with harder questions, silly questions, questions about the boiling point of mercury and the name of the fifth Beatle. WHAT'S HIS NAME? You're unfit to be president, Heller! Yeah, this won't get annoying for the next 10 weeks...
Jack and Chloe disable the hallway camera and then Basher (Basher? Who's this goon? Oh, he's pals with Evil Pies) has to decide if he's going to hand over Evil Pies (which I've now made the connection, is Yates) to Jack. Basher isn't cooperative, despite his conciliatory name. So Jack takes out the room full of goons, while Evil Pies and his Pixie Chick make a run for ut. Evil Pies must really like Pixie Chick. Or maybe he's never had a girl like him before.
OK, CIA shows up, a la Tarantino (not a way to make pasta, it's a way to make great action showdowns). As Jack is closing in on Pies & Pixie, the CIA tell Jack to drop his weapon. Dagnabit! Basher, bleeding profusely, shoots at Jack, gets him in the arm, and the CIA guys all hit the deck. Jack uses this opportunity to escape into the parking garage. Jack gets the drop on Kate, holds her for a moment and explains that he's trying to save Heller's life. Jack then knocks out Kate and runs outside to luckily find Chloe with a stolen getaway car. The valuable intelligence Jack recovered from Evil Pies bedroom yields a lot of value, until it starts self-erasing the thumb drive, hard drive, etc. At least Jack knows the scope of the plan.
Oh, Evil Pies, you're slick. So, we know now it's all about the drones. Many more drones are compromised. Evil Pies goes to pee and Pixie walks in on him in the restroom TO STAB HIM IN THE EAR! Awww, he really did love her. And she had to take this thing to the next level of death.
Pixie calls Shadow Lady, who's apparently her mom. Her terrorist mom!
BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!
This was a good start but holy heck is this weird writing about and watching 24 again. I don't know if I'll be doing Quick Reviews for all episodes because writing and watching TV is not enjoyable for me. But if I don't write down my thoughts, I'll forget... like Heller, who's Audrey again?