Editor's note: Before I hand off the proceedings to our guest columnist, Spencer- I want to thank everyone for their enthusiasm and willingness to take part in these retro reviews. While Spencer starts out his review by saying I may not want to continue writing reviews, I want to stress that is not exactly the case- I am not writing reviews for the near-term but I will be back sometime soon. But in the meantime, I have you guys to thank for your contributions. Tonight, we get the twelfth hour of Season One-- what did you think of it, Spencer?
Hey everyone, it's Spencer. In case you didn't know, Adam here has decided that he may not want to continue reviewing this season (Editor's note: see my explanation above!). Yes, we're all sad. I mean, how can anyone not be sad? This is the same guy who knew that Richard Walsh deserved a postage stamp. However, sometimes, when there's a problem, there's an opportunity, and Adam has generously given us all the chance to review some episodes in his place, and we decided that the person who'd review this episode would be me. I hope that this doesn't turn into a complete disaster and that you will all enjoy this. So without further writing filler- er, important information, I present to you my review of episode 12.
"The following takes place after the episode where Jack Bauer threatens to make Ted Cofell's organs look like they're having a picnic. Shit happens in real time"
Jack is driving to where his family are being held captive with instructions from Kevin, and asks how much farther they'll have to go. Kevin says the deal was that he'll take him to his family....which apparently answers the question, and Jack says "The deal is you better hope that my wife and daughter are still alive, that's the deal." If you've seen at least a season or two of this show, you know that this is something only Jack Bauer would say, granted, maybe with a little less emphasis and psychotic lust than, say, in season 8, but ya get what I'm saying. Also, I've seen this season a few times now, and I gotta say...I really hate Kevin. Yeah, I know, we're not supposed to like him, but he's so stupid. If you gave this guy a baseball bat, he'd probably try using it as a condom.
Anyway, while this is happening, Maleficent is giving the people working at CTU info that we the audience either don't need to know or already know. She tries to be nice while doing this, and I swear to god, you should watch/rewatch this scene, because you can easily see the disgust in her face as she does her best to admire every one's efforts. I don't know who this actress is, but if she did this on purpose, she deserves an award. After Maleficent finishes tormenting herself, Tony and Nina talk to each other about Jack. Tony kinda wants her to alert Maleficent of what's going on, but Nina remains dedicated to her ex-bf, and tells Tony that he doesn't need to help her cover for Bauer, to which Tony replies by saying, "I'm not doing this for Jack.". I'm sorry, but who exactly is this guy? I don't know much about him, but he's a complete ass and, speaking as someone who's seen the whole series, I can tell you that he's never seen or mentioned again in any of the next 7 seasons. (Editor's note: HA!)
Teri and Kim, after hiding Eli's body under some rusty bathtub that I'm sure would never draw any attention if someone tried to look for him, contemplate how they're going to survive this. Teri tries to lecture Kim about what happened, and, I'm not kidding, how killing someone that raped her and tried to kill them both made her feel sick, but Kim reminds her that she's Jack's daughter and doesn't have those types of emotions, and is like "Look woman, you came from a different family, but I have my dad's genetics as much as I have yours.". During this, Eli's phone starts to ring, and Teri tells Kim to "Cover up the blood with hay.", which, for some reason that will never be discovered, Kim interprets as "Cover up the blood with hay."
Jack's still making progress on getting to them, and there's a shot of him driving that'll give you a migraine in 2 seconds. Nina calls him and tells him that he'll have to either avoid or shoot a dozen or so men, which is the equivalent of telling him to eat a cupcake. Nina wants to tell Maleficent everything so she can help, but you see audience, if that happened, Jack would look less like a bad-ass hero. After the call, Jack forces Kevin to become the driver so they can go through the guarded entrance, while Kevin pitifully tries to dissuade him from this.
Palmer is sitting in his limo, looking sullen. He knows Allstate's stand, but he's not sure if he's in good hands. Mike Novick is with him, tired and depressed that he can't find any holes in the ground to sleep in. He asks the senator what's wrong, and David tells him that Carl will stop the Kingsley story from coming out by the source of it, Faragamo, being "cut off", and is worried that something bad could happen to him. Mike thinks he's being paranoid, and when Palmer tells him that he tried calling him twice but only got his voicemail, he gets pissed at him for exposing himself in such a way, and I have to say that I don't necessarily blame the guy. If David's really brave and a little impulsive, Mike's the opposite.
Kevin manages to get passed the entrance and continues driving for a few minutes before they stop and Jack starts asking questions. Kevin acts like a 5-year-old getting a shot, acting as uncooperative as possible and asks Jack if he thinks that rescuing his family will make up for how he screwed up his marriage. Yes genius, try to provoke the guy that's pointing a gun at you. He then tells Jack that Teri's felt lonely and as a result almost gets his head stuck in the steering wheel. Wow, isn't this guy so smart? Jack continues to ask questions, and Kevin tries to fight him or something like that, but Jack's like, "Ha! I know crappy Kung-fu, too!" and hits the guy about a hundred times. This ends up knocking him out.
Faragamo finally gets Palmer's calls and calls the senator back, and guess what? He turns out to be an absolute douche from doucheland who is completely unable to interpret what anyone says into basic English. I really hate the guy and hope that he di- and guess what? He gets his non-English speaking ass blown up, no doubt by Carl. Palmer gets to see the building himself and now wants to confront Carl on it, while Mike tries to play stupid with him and keeps saying, "Maybe it was an accident." (Editor's note: a classic 24- moment- I absolutely love it).
Jack is getting closer and closer to the exact place that Teri and Kim are. At this point, the audience will realize something that might surprise them; The season's only half over, and Jack's actually going to rescue his family. In most shows, this would've probably been at least about 20 hours of Teri and Kim being stuck in the little hay house while Jack battles constipation, but this isn't most shows- this is 24, and it's not season 8, so things are actually going to progress through the season.
And this is the moment that everyone's waiting for- Jack finally finding these damn women. Teri almost shoots him in the head by accident, but that's forgivable. However, if she had a knife instead of a gun, and Jack was wearing glasses- never mind (Editor's note: Awww, you zinged Renee Walker! Heh, funny how the show repeats itself). But Jack sees them and is all nice and huggy. Rick opens the door, wanting to be accepted by someone, and Jack's not all nice and huggy. However, he agrees to let him help them escape, during which Teri begins to have stomach problems. Teri, of all characters, having "sniggers" stomach problems this season?
Tony and Nina are still playing....World of Witchcraft, and Maleficent is pissed off because of her earlier attempt at being nice, and she is now left with an extra period, so naturally, she tries to fuck up everything by interrogating each of them until one of them tells her where Jack is, but Jack calls in time to tell her where he is so that CTU air-support can come and be just slow and useless enough for him to kill all the bad guys. All appears to be going well until Kensuke Miyagi finds Kevin, tied up in seatbelts rather than smothered to death, which would've been faster and easier.
Jack and the gang try to escape by van, but get into some trouble with Ira and his men, which is....pretty much Jack's fault. He could've just killed Kevin to prevent him from telling Gaines everything, but, ya know, then the episode wouldn't have a big action-packed ending. Anyway, Kim and Teri run away to safety, while Jack and Rick shoot people. Guns are fired, terrorists die, and there's a big explosion. What more do you want to know?
And that's the episode for ya. Definitely not a bad one, even if the writing's a little weaker than usual. One thing I will say is that I don't know how Adam sets up his reviews, but I had to rewatch some of the scenes in this so many times that I think I know the lines by heart now. Alright, end transmission.
(Editor's final note: Spencer, thank you so much- you did a great job. You're right, watching the videos and reviewing them requires a lot more than just 60 minutes of viewing- scenes have to be re-played, paused, etc. It's a lot of work and I am honored by your performance. I can't wait to see what the rest of the gang comes up with next!).