Sunday, January 30, 2011

24 Season 1: 8PM-9PM Outsourced Retro Review

Back after a hiatus that makes the gap between Seasons 6 and 7 seem brief, The Jack Sack™ returns with the beginning of the end of Season 1's Retro Reviews.  Coming this hour, we welcome back the excellent BauerLuver for yet another hilarious, high-energy recap.  I am so very happy to bring this to you and thank you all for being patient over these past few weeks/months(!!!!).

Outsourced Retro Review for 8:00-9:00 PM:

Hello my friends :) Can you believe we are on the last season 1 disc? Time flies when you're having fun, which doesn't include Jack n' co., who are currently having "the longest day of their lives", right? We last left off at a thrilling moment between Jack and Victor Drazen in the uber-creepo prison dungeon thing. So let's jump back in as the clock keeps tickin'.....

David is giving himself air high-fives as he tunes in to the tube to see how awesome the world thinks he is. Not that I blame him of course! The guy has had almost as bad of a day as Jack has. Jack's brainiac of a daughter is currently keeping a small section of prison bench warm. At least she was until some chick named Melanie forces her out. Jack's family just can't get lucky today, right?

David gives yet another butt-kicking speech, this time to his party buddies about this being "OUR" victory. Gotta love you David. You're the bomb! I wanna get a "Palmer for president" bumper sticker! And back on the ranch, Jack must give George a recap on his current predicament, which George fortunately goes along with. After receiving a little morality speech from George about her personal life (c'mon guys, we all know what this is about) Nina is left to be Teri Bauer's tour guide of CTU. Tony's head goes back and forth between Nina and Teri like he's watching tennis as Teri goes all "Where's Kim, Where's Jack, What's going on with my family, etc." Guys, let's look at the bright side. She's not asking who she is anymore, right? At least, Nina seems to agree as she tromps back to work with her manservant, Tony.

Jack is doing super duper cool stuff with his men as they make desperate attempts to break out of the prison. However, this may be easier said then done because some explosives just detonated and the baddies are gonna break in! Jinkies! Zoinks! Scooby-dooby-doo! George gets another smackdown, not from Nina this time, but from Teri. (I know, right?) George plays all nicey-nicey with Mrs. Jack Bauer, but then reveals to his assistant that he doesn't give a darn what happens to Ter Bear as long as she's not in his face. Geez lo' peas. What a jerk. Everybody's so mean on this show.

We then get an extremely uncomfortable and itchy scene, perhaps the worst in the entire season (and if you have been watching the whole season, you'll know that that is saying something.) David goes to check in with some flirty little paragraph writer named Peppermint Patty. Pep. Patty gives some gushy speech about how much she admires David. But that's not the worst of it. David goes along with it and it gets all warm and creepy and weird and stuff. Eew. David please, please, PLEASE don't do anything wrong, creepy, or stupid with this lady. We've loved you all season, DON'T ruin it. PLEASE. But it might just happen, because why would the writers throw this more-than-friends speech unless they had some twisted intent for it? Oh deary dear.

After that ultra-creepy and uncomfortable scene, we return to the real action. While George's reinforcements are on their way, they might not get there in time because Ahhhhhndre's men have officially broken in. This does present an awesome showdown where Jack yells "DROP YOU WEAPONS OR I'LL SHOOT!!!!!!!" at least twenty times. But sadly, the Power of Bauer is officially overpowered by Drazen's men, who don't hesitate to shoot a guy in cold blood. Yikes. Jack -but also the Drazens and co.-are trapped in the underground prison.

But Jack isn't the only one getting a  showdown. His little girl shows a vital chance of having Bauer blood in her veins after giving an awesome retort to that Melanie girl who was bothering her. Kim, welcome to the 24 crew! Keep this up and you'll be working for CTU in a few years (like that'll ever happen, *snort*)

Jack tells Drazen that Victor's "kill-everybody-who's-ever-pissed-me-off-in-the-slightest-or-gotten-in-my-way plan" isn't too hot. For some reason, Victor doesn't agree. While I think Dennis Hopper is overall a marvelous actor, I must comment on the fact that his accent is a little forced and even borderline extreme. But you still get the point he's trying to convey, a point he relays to George, who counters back that America doesn't negotiate with terrorists. George even tells Nina to scat because of her "emotional involvement" but the lady stands her ground and stays put. Go Nina. The guys just love you.

Some other chick in the slammer blames Melanie for smoking pot (which I definitely wouldn't put past her). Anyway, Kim stands up and tells the officer the truth. This inspires Melanie to tell the truth to the officer who busted them how Kim wasn't really involved. Moral of the story? Don't tell lies. The end.

Jack is still trying to persuade Victor to see the light on this situation, but Victor ain't budging. Jack does this super-cool kick move which unfortunately doesn't work, but still looks awesome! Victor gives another rambling rant to Jack, then tells Ahndre "Make sure he doesn't die." You wanna know how Andre responds to this? By kicking an already-injured Jack several times in the ribs. Well, Jack and Victor both have one thing in common: they both have not-too-bright families.

Chapelle tells George to have no mercy and throw a full out assualt to avoid embarrassment, which George mechanically agrees to. Teri is happy for about two seconds after she learns from Tony that Kim is ok, but that all changes after Nina, the Bearer of Ill Tidings, relays the details of Jack's situation. Predictably, Teri gets all weepy and weak again, but Nina is actually the most interesting feature of this scene. We can tell by her tone and cracked-up expression that she truly cares about both Jack and Teri, and we would not be unjustified in saying that Nina is in love with Jack. Too bad for Jack that the amnesia wasn't permanent!

Kim is officially free! Might this day have a happy ending after all? All that needs to happen is Jack getting reunited with his family, which can easily be done in the course of the next three hours. Dare I get my hopes up?

Let's not jump into any conclusions, though. Mike gives a weird pep talk to David which includes (but is not limited to) getting his party face on and not seeking stability from his marriage. Mike, I swear, DO NOT ADD KINDLING TO AN UPCOMING FIRE! That "fire" is currently getting blushy and flirty when David says "Thanks." Patty, you are a dirty little creeper and David, I thought better of you.

The assault teams have arrived, but Jack and the Drazens have Disapparated! (sorry for the Harry Potter references, I just saw the movie the other day.) Anyway, it might take the teams awhile to get in because there are booby-traps made of lasers surrounding the doorways. (How cool is that?) The Drazens have taken Jack put through -shall we say- the back door. Just as they are about to put a bullet into his manly noggin, Jack mentions Alexis and the Drazens decide to let Jack live so that they can use him for information.

Kim, alas, cannot keep her pretty head out of trouble. After a sweet little conversation with mom, Kim's escort police car is attacked, and lo and behold: she is captured AGAIN! How many times can they keep doing this?

This was a good episode, not quite as thrilling as the last, but still good. Jack does some sweet moves, Nina digs them, and Teri is weepy. The usual. But this Patty thing must die. We all know where it is going, and I find it extremely hard to believe that David would do such a thing when all his principles suggest otherwise. Thanks for tuning in, and thanks again to Adam!

Editor's note: Thank you, BL- you've done an awesome job and had me laughing a few times while reading this recap. I especially love the snarkiness directed at Kim.  I think it's almost easy to forget how painfully dumb a teenager she was in these early episodes.  We're talking Snooki-levels of dumb here!

55 comments:

Spencer said...

DEFINATILY your best review so far. The best part were the jokes about Jack's family. You just can't make enough of em.

Great review, man!

BauerLuver said...

Haha thanks, I wouldn't call this my best ever, but I tried. :)
I actually saw HP7 like two months ago btw!

Spencer said...

Ah, that explains it.

Dietcoke said...

I'm so glad we're back on track with the JackSack. Thanks, Adam and excellent review, BauerLuver.

At this point I was fearing David had gone to the "all politicians do it with their staff" side. I mean I understood him wanting to dump Sherry but for Peppermint Patty? Okay, I love that nickname! Peppermint Patty. :-)

Teri got weepy and annoying again and the wonderful patient Saint Nina tries to console her. Dang, why didn't Teri get shot so Jack could be with Nina?

I loved the "Bring it on" scene. For a minute I thought that Kim might actually be Jack's real daughter. Okay, Kim might be so smart that one day she works at CTU? That's never gonna happen. ;-)

Spencer said...

Alright...is the plan now for Alex to do the next review(No rush, AG :), and for me to do the next two after that as a two-parter?

Unless you want to step in, Adam. This is simply what we talked about.

BauerLuver said...

Yes Adam. Feel FREE to wrap up the season. But if not, all eyes await Alex!

Adam said...

I'll be writing a review of the finale- but if anyone else wants to write one too, I welcome it! Heck, if you want to write anything about Season 1, let me know. I'm open to all ideas- you guys are all a part of this blog.

Alex Getts said...

Um, I should pass the next episode. Sorry. Things are really busy. I'm doing work and school full-time, plus trying to run my own website, and do life-in-general. I'd LOVE to jump back in some time, but I'd rather not sacrifice quality of writing, you know?

BauerLuver said...

That's fine Alex. I have to say, I am PSCHYED to read another Adam review. It has been far too long.
And Dietcoke, I agree with 90% of what you said. ;)
Do you wanna do another review Spencer? (or Adam?)

Spencer said...

Sure.

BauerLuver said...

Lol, thanks a million Spencer.

Spencer said...

No problem. The good thing about reviewing the next episode is obviously that I can get to work right away. :)

Spencer said...

Expect it to take a few days. I'll send it as soon as I'm satisfied with it.

BauerLuver said...

Sounds good!

Dietcoke said...

Look forward to the next review. Dang, this is a good show. I hope it doesn't get cancelled after the first season like some of my favorite FOX shows. RIP: Profit and Firefly.

BauerLuver said...

Aww, I wouldn't worry. This show is too good to be cancelled after one season (and believe me, I've heard rumors about season 2 :)

Dietcoke said...

Kiefer was AWESOME in That Championship Season last night. Although Brian Cox STOLE(D?) the show. Here's pics of me and Kiefer last night.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=201036903246105&set=a.201033386579790.57588.100000193918346&theater

BauerLuver said...

Geesh lo peesh, Dietcoke. Let's trade lives. How do you get all these one-on-one encounters with our idols?!?

Dietcoke said...

It helps that I live close to NYC. It's great to meet them in person. Everyone so far has been terrific.

BauerLuver said...

Ok well I know where I'm gonna move when I grow up...

Adam said...

Update on the next review:

I had a stomach virus this week and have been fairly useless. And then I got an iphone and have been playing "Angry Birds" and have become definitively useless.

I'll work on getting the review done later this week!

BauerLuver said...

Oh my gosh I LOVE angry birds with a burning passion!!!

Adam said...

These birds have taken over my world. It's so bad that when I read something, I look at it as a structure of letters that I need to topple with slingshot birds.

I can't stop playing this game. All I want to do is make those birds cheer. BL, is there hope for post-Angry Birds life?

BauerLuver said...

Not that I know of!! That game is soooo addictive, it's like a drug. Have you gotten Angry birds seasons? Perfect for continuing the obsession on all holidays :)

Spencer said...

Adam- Next review? You mean next episode, or the finale?

Spencer said...

Live website, live!

Dietcoke said...

When and where, Adam?

Anonymous said...

http://insidetv.ew.com/2011/03/21/24-movie-kiefer-sutherland-announces-release-date/

Dietcoke said...

Miss you guys.

BauerLuver said...

YYYYYAAAAYYYYYY!!! A date is set!! Thanks Anonymous ;)

Right back atcha, Dietcoke.

Spencer said...

I really hope this is true.

And I've missed you guys as well.

Brittany said...

Hmmm... I remember once upon a time when I used to come to this website multiple times a day. Compulsively. Impulsively. Addictively.

Huh. Would you look at that.

Dietcoke said...

I had mad love for this blog. While I didn't care for the last three seasons, the early ones were damn good.

Spencer said...

Yeah, 24 was a great show and this was a great blog. It sucks that I came so much later than you guys, but it was still fun.

Alex said...

Is The Jack Sack dead? It sounds like you're all bidding it adieu.

Dietcoke said...

I've stopped back a few times but I hadn't seen any posts.

Miss your posts guys.

Brittany said...

Oh, man. Remember a year ago? I do. It was the straw that broke the camel's back and launched the evolution of Darth Bauer.

Ah, good times... *Ahem* Not.

BauerLuver said...

Haha yeah ikr...good old S8...
Darth Bauer was pretty much the only redeeming thing about S8 anyway.

Adam said...

A year on, last season feels largely forgettable and that's a sad realization. What it lacked could fill an encyclopedia, and I'm not looking to bash the show (I'd take a S9 of the same quality now, trust me) but it's disappointing that the show went out on such a mediocre note.

And I cringe at the inevitable reboot that Hollywood will commission- Jack Bauer played by Zack Efron, Teri Bauer played by Zooey Deschanel, Kim Bauer played by that girl from SUCKER PUNCH... why the heck not, right?

I would take a Spanish-language "novela" version of Jack Bauer before that nonsense. "Veinticuatro" con Juanito Bauer y Anthony Hill (the closest English word I could find to "Almeida"). Yes, in this version of Veinticuatro, Jaunito Bauer's partner is a gringo. Welcome to the Jungle, baby!

BauerLuver said...

ADAM!! YOURE ALIVE!!!
and I agree with everything you said.

Adam said...

Thanks, BL! Indeed, I'm alive. Battling a vicious head cold for the past couple of weeks and working working working. How have you been?

BauerLuver said...

Other than seriously jack-sack deprived, fine. That and school, lol

Spencer said...

Hey, Adam!

Adam said...

Howdy Spencer!

What the heck are we gonna do with this blog? Is there a pulse left in it? I hope so...

But I have to admit, minus any new Bauer Hours, I'm not sure where to go next. I don't write about politics. I don't think we need another blog of DVD reviews, etc.

I'm thinking aloud here- and I'm open to your thoughts.

BauerLuver said...

Wait you mean we're now gonna review the 24 seasons anymore?

BauerLuver said...

*not

Spencer said...

That's a hard question. You should just think about what you're interested in, as far as blogging goes.

Dietcoke said...

Hello all. I agree with you Adam about the way 24 went out. How did something so right go so very wrong.

I saw Kiefer at That Championship Season last month and he's still saying there WILL be a movie. I'm beginning to think that is wishful thinking on his part.

If he's no longer keeping America safe from terrorists and he no longer has his family to keep him motivated, what is he going to do? I really don't know what else they can do moving his character forward. Will they simply reboot his character?

Regarding the blog, I agree with Spencer. Blog about what you're interested in.

Spencer said...

Season 8 sucked, which is why I'm hoping for a film. If they can make anything better than the final season in the sligthest, I'll be happy. Hell, open the movie with Jack Bauer waking up after Kim's surgery and season 8 was all a dream. That'd explain all the plot holes.

And Dietcoke, so far I've found this site to be reliable and the best as far as keeping up to date with the movie's progress goes.

http://www.24spoilers.com/category/feature-film/

Dietcoke said...

I'm with you Spencer about season 8 and 24spoilers. I agree, 24spoilers has been pretty reliable when it comes to intel. I still feel the movie isn't a definate until I see it come out in the industry trades like Variety.

While season 8 might not have been a bad dream for Jack it certainly was for me. ;-)

Spencer said...

Happy easter!

Dietcoke said...

Hope everone had a great Easter!

BauerLuver said...

Jack Bauer in a bunny costume.
;)

BauerLuver said...

We all know that Jack Bauer really killed bin Laden, right?
:D

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