Monday, April 17, 2017

24: LEGACY 10:00 p.m. - 11:00 p.m. AND 11:00 p.m. - 12:00 a.m. Quick Review

And so the great experiment of gluten-free 24 comes to a close. Bauer may not have been included, but the writers went all-in for the Eric Carter experience. I'll very quickly go over the events of the last two hours of the season and then wrap up my overall thoughts on 24: LEGACY.

In the 10-11 pm hour, Carter loses Rebecca Ingram to the terrorists Naseri and Papa Bin-Khalid, who continue in their effort to execute Ingram on live TV. What was once a plot to bring America to its knees with a vast network of terrorist sleeper cells throughout the United States has gone to the most mundane climaxes in the history of this show. Papa Bin-Khalid was the person who establishes these sleeper cells who's contact info was placed on the thumb drive (which was lost/damaged, I don't even remember anymore). You'd think Bin-Khalid would have had a separate list on his person, since he spent so much time coming back from the dead to do his evil deeds. Or better yet, go online, post a video saying "Let the Hunger Games begin!" I think the sleeper cells would get the message. Nope, instead, it's about killing Ingram for her crimes against the terrorists, which even the terrorists are sort of unaware of at this point.

While this is happening, Andy figures out that the Director of National Intelligence, Simms, had something to do with a covert program that Naseri kept referencing in front of the CTU Steve's mistress. "East July" is not an Eagles album, it's something far worse. Simms helped organize an operation to kidnap Naseri's daughter as a way to keep Naseri cooperative with the counter-terrorism efforts against Bin-Khalid. Part of this was apparently to let Naseri think his daughter was dead, so... I don't get any of this to be honest. Why Naseri would know the US codename for the operation makes no sense but what's worse is why let Naseri think his daughter was killed? I may have dozed off when that was all explained, but in any event, Jimmy Smits and Carter go to Simms' office to get info on how to contact Naseri so they can get Ingram back. It's there that they learn of Naseri's daughter, who's living comfortably in a flop house in the area, under secret guard by Simms' people. Simms felt like the walls were closing in on him before Carter and Smits arrive, so he calls Tony Almeida up to go to the flop house and kill everyone.

Carter races to the house to save Naseri's daughter before Almeida shows up. Meanwhile, Mullins has to choke Simms' bureaucratic plant, Daniel Pang, before Pang can make administrative trouble for Andy, who's supporting Carter's operation in the field. That entire subplot deserves one sentence, trust me.

Carter arrives in time, subdues/kills whoever is holding Naseri's daughter but Almeida (with Sidra and a couple of random mercs) show up and tell Carter he's surrounded.

END OF THE HOUR.

The final hour of 24: LEGACY picks up with the stand-off. Carter has a heat sensor satellite feeding him an overhead shot of everyone's location, which is very useful. Carter takes out a merc, shoots Sidra and then another merc, leaving it to Almeida to fight the boss-level video game moment with Carter. Carter beats Almeida by breaking the Soulpatch's arm. I tossed my hands up at this because why even have this fight?! Sure, Carter's younger by 20-something years, has a much higher-functioning liver than Tony, but Tony is powered by forces we cannot measure nor understand with today's science. Tony DIED at least 2 or more times already, his arms are made of steel, his heart is powered by the dark matter that ties together the universe.

Even so, Sidra shows up and puts her gun on Carter but Tony's cell phone rings (this is a theme) and it's Mullins, who explains that Carter is trying to save Almeida's ex-girlfriend, Ingram. Tony tells Sidra to let Carter and the girl go and then he half-heartedly says "I'd go with you to save Rebecca but you broke my arm." Old Tony would have gone with Carter.

And now we get to the last movement of this season- the big wrap-up! What crazy twists can we expect to see now that the final pieces are set on the board?

Well... (sigh)

Carter calls Naseri on his cell phone just before Bin-Khalid calls him in to behead Ingram. Naseri is amazed that his daughter is alive, and without much thinking on the matter, he stops the Ingram execution by killing the terrorists in the room and cuffing Bin-Khalid to a pipe (yet another theme in this season). Bin-Khalid tries talking Naseri down ("There's still time to do this!") but Naseri has made his decision, trade Ingram for his daughter and let the good guys win.

Carter and Mullins make arrangements to fly Naseri's daughter to the Jordanian Embassy and Carter goes to Naseri's location to get Ingram. Alright, not a lot of time is left in this episode, this twist better be good...

At the location, Carter talks to Naseri, sends him some cool video links to Naseri's phone, where Naseri gets a satellite feed, Angry Birds, the trailer to the new MUMMY movie with Tom Cruise poor Naseri, he should have had his character from the MUMMY make an appearance), oh and a live facetime link to his very charismatic daughter, who had been living under house arrest but seems a-ok! Naseri's daughter walks to the Jordanians, and Naseri lets Ingram go. Ingram walks painfully slowly to Carter, and this gives Bin-Khalid time to find a gun by his foot, which he picks up and uses to kill Naseri and then shoot Ingram. Ingram put herself in front of Carter so to protect him. Carter shoots Bin-Khalid but Ingram is hurt seriously.

Ingram says stuff to Carter about "follow your destiny" etc. and then she dies at the hospital, but she also gets to see Jimmy Smits, who left Simms all alone back at the Pentagon. Simms shoots himself instead of letting the Attorney General put him through a criminal case. Carter goes back to CTU and says hi to Nicole, who now supports him joinging CTU. Mullins and Andy shake hands and tell Edgar's cousin "Good work today!" I saw no live feed of the George Washington Bridge on the many screens from CTU but I wasn't really looking to be honest.

And there it goes, Carter is going to join CTU. Jimmy Smits will run for president (again) and the FBI has a lot of stuff they can dig up on Smits for another season should this show ever get renewed, which begs the question:

Should this show ever get renewed?

Yes. There were a lot of great moments mixed into this abridged season of twelve episodes, and Eric Carter is a well-cast and formulated lead character. However, I have two strong recommendations for any continuation of 24: LEGACY: 1) go back to the 24 hour format. This show needs its space and unless the writers have a better way of condensing the story into 12 brain-melting hours of non-stop entertainment (which they have yet to exhibit with LEGACY and LIVE ANOTHER DAY), go to the full season slate and get the groove back; 2) Bring back Jack Bauer. I had held out hope that we'd get some Bauer information in the last hour- something that would let us know that CTU still cares about his whereabouts (or even Almeida trying to locate Jack) but the writers were adamant with keeping this season the Eric Carter Show. That's fine, and now that Carter's established, we need to resolve the moronic, loose thread that LIVE ANOTHER DAY left us with re: Jack Bauer. Jack doesn't even need to be the hero (certainly don't utilize him the way LEGACY used Almeida, as a piece of furniture), but let's wrap up Bauer and Almeida's stories with something worthy of these two characters.

I would also hope that 24 gets new blood on the writing/production side of things. We've lived with the Gordon/Surnow/Coto regime for a long while now, and the age is showing on their thinking. This season had an interesting set-up but such an underwhelming execution. Corey Hawkins' performance as Eric Carter was a revelation, and he made an emotional impact. We need more of that sort of energy with the show- not the tired, old tropes of yesteryear. Let Hawkins' loose more, rely less on political strategy (the writers NEVER get this right), and do something other than your garden-variety terror plots in the next season.

I'm glad they made this season, but I will probably never think on it much now that it's done. In any case, here's hoping this is the start of something bigger and better for 24 in the future.

Monday, April 03, 2017

24: LEGACY 8:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. AND 9:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m. Quick Review

It's a double-header of quick reviews!

8:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.

Last week, the 8:00 p.m. hour matched up with the actual time on my clock, so that was somewhat exciting for me. I'm easily pleased by small bits of galactic synergy, like when I get a parking spot right in front of a place I'm going into, or when the last slice of cheese is used with the last slice of bread in a loaf. Enjoy these moments, folks! The big stuff will invariably disappoint you, so lower your expectations to the trifles in life.

Speaking of low expectations, this hour meets them all head-on. Let's start with Steve, a CTU security officer with very below-average looks and a work ethic to match. Steve's INSECURITY may be a factor in his choosing to be a philanderer. It turns out that Jadallah's stay at CTU will not be long as the mysterious Naseri has taken Steve's not-wife, Jennifer, hostage while forcing Steve to help spring Jadallah bin-Khalid from CTU headquarters. Yes, HEADQUARTERS as in the most secure CTU installation of them all. Steve shows some honor by not taking the easy way out of an extra-marital affair ("Jenni-who? I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number" *click*) but Steve misplaces and mistakes chivalry here by following Naseri's instructions all too perfectly. But more on that in a bit...

Eric Carter, human Energizer bunny, has wiped off the soot and blood from the warehouse explosion in the last hour but gets directed to Steve's girlfriend's house when CTU starts putting together the fact that maybe Steve isn't on the level. When Carter and a CTU tac team arrive, a young woman is inside, she tells them that she's Jennifer and that she was worried her prize beagle, Porthos, was wandering the streets of the neighborho- OH NO THAT WOMAN ISN'T JENNIFER, SHE'S SHOOTING PEOPLE! Carter drops the imposter Jennifer and makes his way to the basement to find the real Jennifer bound to a chair (yeah, more chair prisons!) and strapped with an explosive vest.

Now, by explosive vest, I don't mean a vest that screams tacky, it's a remote-detonated vest loaded with the freshest, finest explosive material in all of the Mid-Atlantic. Carter gets Jennifer free enough to talk but instead of saying "Hey, I have a feeling my 'friend' Steve at CTU might be in trouble with terrorists trying to break into his office" she instead chooses to be a mute, hysterical non-human. Well, this is key because while Carter is trying to get Jennifer out of the vest, he could have really used the information inside Jennifer's non-functioning brain. The planets align perfectly in the tail end of this episode because a) Steve gets caught by Ingram as he's walking Naseri and Jadallah out the back door, just as b) Jimmy Smits shows up to hug Ingram and talk about saving their marriage and while c) Carter is finally done saving Jennifer from her "fashion emergency" taking place right by her oil burner. Does anything seem to go right in these three overlapping moments?

YES!

Steve gets whacked, Jennifer gets saved and starts talking immediately and omfg can't stop talking about terrorists and Jimmy Smits gets nabbed by the terrorists on their way out the door, like he was a free sample corn dog at a Sam's Club.

Like I said, have low expectations and you can enjoy a lot of terrible things around you.

Alright, truth time- this was one of the weaker episodes of the season. We had more of the same silly stuff in the margins (Nicole/Isaac, for example) and Carter keeps ending up covered in soot and bloodied. Someone get this guy a lobster bib or something, he can't be left to his own devices! And the rest of the CTU gang made their own share of messes, obviously Steve being the biggest dunce, but no one can claim any degree of intelligence within this hour. It's wholly uninspiring to watch this level of government incompetence. I don't watch the news for a reason, people. I need to believe in a lie that gives me hope! Nope, not in this hour.

PS on 8 p.m.- I was right about Naseri's past with Carter. Naseri was a double-agent working for Pappa bin-Khalid who helped give up the U.S.'s only asset, a barber or something, who worked inside bin-Khalid's camp. That poor barber and his family met a gruesome end, which Carter himself discovered while in the Army Rangers.
PPS- Carter still hasn't found a new bag!

9:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m.

Eric Carter is back at CTU where he, still covered in soot and blood, looks around and wonders "Why would I ever want to work with these losers?" But he's kind to Ingram, who is still reeling from her husband being abducted by terrorists in the parking area some 100 yards from where she's now standing. Carter hugs Ingram and we are reminded that they're loyal friends to each other.

Now, Jimmy Smits is in a world of trouble. As a U.S. Senator, he has valuable information about the country's national security. In addition, his wife was the former head of CTU so he's got to know something about the efforts taking place overall against bin-Khalid and other terror cells. This is going to be one nasty interrogation, right? Well, that doesn't seem to be the case! Jadallah and Naseri can barely take the time to even look at Jimmy Smits. Instead, they meet another parked van where out from which emerges the thought-to-be-dead Pappa bin-Khalid! Pappa looks like ground beef all over his face and hands. Still, with his one good eye, he emotes sincere love to Jadallah for being a good, little terrorist. Even Naseri, under 20 lbs of hair product, is able to express genuine admiration for the Junior Varsity terrorist's efforts to do bad things to America. Father and son hug, they watch some cat videos together and eat some Splenda-sweetened ice cream because they both want to live with no regrets moving forward.

They also want to trade Jimmy Smits back to the world in exchange for Ingram becoming their new hostage. Let's be clear, they could have nabbed Ingram back at CTU about 15 minutes ago, but have instead took Smits, who happened to be in the wrong parking spot at the wrong time. And why do the bin-Khalids want Ingram? So they can kill her on YouTube live. As they put it- nobody cares about Jimmy Smits dying (ouch guys!) but to kill a no-name government bureaucrat who's no longer running CTU, well that will be a huge deal! Guys! Did you catch a case of the stupids when you were in CTU? I can't even begin to describe my exasperation. Fine, do your swap... you happy?!

Ingram enlists the help of Carter to make her the new hostage in place of her husband. She also tells Carter "I want you there to take out Jadallah and Naseri. This ends TONIGHT!" So, off they go, Carter with a FRESH backpack filled with guns galore, and Ingram, wearing a parka and knee-high riding boots.

Let's fast-forward through the end of this one: Ingram convinces Jadallah to release her husband, who gets dumped out of the back of a moving van on a city street. Carter, from high up in the stands of an abandoned sports stadium, blows Jadallah's brains out. Pappa bin-Khalid and Naseri somehow manage to scoop up Ingram. Meanwhile, Jennifer, getting her share of free gauze and lollipops at CTU, mentions to Andy that the terrorists kept saying "East July." Andy runs that info through the supercomputer with a random CTU analyst dressed as a cocktail waitress. They find that the term is FORBIDDEN to all not named the Director of National Intelligence. Oh, so the terrorists go all the way to the top?!

Also of note: Major Dad gets into a fight with Uncle Luis, ending in Major Dad losing. Nicole confronts Carter earlier about his talks with Ingram about joining CTU  prior to the day's events ("Eric, I know what you're doing and that you're in the middle of it, but can we talk about how our relationship is probably over?"), and Mullins is still not yelling at Carter for stealing CTU trucks and disobeying any semblance of orders/protocol. Mullins is the school teacher who insists his students call him by his first name- he commands little respect from his people.

This episode was a bump up from last week's but that's a low starting point. The writers lavish us with a ton of contrivances on the back-end of this episode. I don't mind a little suspension of disbelief, but I'm more prone to root for the bad guys now that I've seen their plans have somehow remained viable despite their big mistakes. CTU is throwing the game! At least Carter got a new bag, so this wasn't a total loss!

Also, Tony Almeida had more screentime, mostly a set-up to have him go all-out in next week's episode. I don't mind this sort of set-up at all. Someone has to finally take control of this cluster.

Monday, March 27, 2017

24: LEGACY 7:00 p.m. - 8:00 p.m. Quick Review

A week late but time has no meaning in the world of 24, right?
"I don't use hair product, and these are not designer threads" are among many of his lies.

Eric Carter has successfully managed to get himself and Andy Shalowitz (Geek Squad) into the caring custody of Jadallah bin Khalid in exchange for the release of Carter's brother, Isaac and Carter's wife, Nicole. Carter's big plan is to have Andy destroy the thumb drive with a virus so Jadallah can't activate the remaining terror cells who are poised to wreak unimaginable, simultaneous mayhem upon the United States. As of now, a prematurely-activated cell from New Jersey ("Amira!") has set off a truck bomb on the George Washington Bridge. Caught up? No, let's look at the same footage of the bridge again for the first two minutes... alright, enough!

Isaac and Nicole race away in a pickup truck but are intercepted by some of Jadallah's men, whom they kill! This is great stuff because there's something rewarding in seeing regular people take down trained killers, even if these bad guys are magnificently bumbling. It's at this point that I get most excited as a viewer because FINALLY Isaac makes the call to his crew- we're gonna bust some terrorist skulls! If you're a fan of history and have read about the mafia aiding the United States' efforts during WWII, you'll understand the greatness that our country's criminals possess. But before we get any such payoff, we have to convince these gang members to do what's right! Isaac's grip on power is weak, like a fading merchant in Renaissance Italy. Some in his crew voice skepticism at the idea of taking on terrorists ("Let the government handle this" and "What's in it for us?"). I suddenly found myself agreeing with these goons! Just as Isaac promises the guys all of his money in their criminal enterprise, Nicole comes to the rescue with an inspirational speech- she asks the guys "Family's gotta mean something right? Or else what's the point?" Yeah, what's the point to dealing drugs to the neighborhood kids and shooting competitors in cold blood? FOR FAMILY! HUZZAH!

Back in the Warehouse of Terror, Andy gets to work on the thumb drive and effectively wipes it clean with a Shalowitz Trojan Horse! As Carter and Andy prepare to be executed, Jadallah smiles and pats everyone on the back. "I didn't let you mess with the real thumb drive, but you have destroyed my brother's collection of Rachael Ray episodes! We will take it out on you later, lest there be no doubt!" I like Jadallah, he's smarter than a 4th grader, which unfortunately cannot be said of Carter and Andy at this point. As Andy gets to doing actual Geek Squad work on the real thumb drive, Carter decides it's time to become a human punching bag. By taunting Jadallah, we see Carter get in a few good verbal punches but I'm left wondering why Jadallah has let Carter live this long. Seriously, why not just take out Carter? It's not like he can do anything to help fix the thumb drive, except maybe as a piece of leverage to motivate Andy to do the job right, but the big knife that went into Andy's leg was pretty damn motivating too.

Carter kills a chair too- it's pretty inspiring. Look.


As this is happening, CTU is working to find Carter, and they're very good at this- too good, in fact, because the SecDef wants to send in a missile strike on the location instead of bothering to storm the location with a CTU tac team. This complicates the fact Mullins has already prepped Locke and his team to go to the very place that's going to be leveled by the US military. We get a miniature showcase of Mullins' backbone here as he begrudgingly agrees to give the DoD the warehouse location. And Edgar Stiles' cousin only hovers over the keyboard an extra 5 seconds before sending that information herself to the military. Oh well, I guess this new crop of CTU folks are not going to risk their pension by breaking the chain of command. You know what, I'm glad we're finally getting some professionalism back at CTU.

Tony begins to doubt himself as Major Dad takes an express ride on the Pain Train.
Back at Tony's Large Syringe of Pain, Major Dad is not breaking. Tony gets angry, and Jimmy Smits tells Ingram that she's a psychopath. Ah, family drama, who doesn't have to deal with that, right?

Before the missiles even get to the warehouse, Carter spots someone that absolutely sets him off, some guy who looks just like Tony Almeida but goes by the name Naseri. So, this "Tony Al Qaeda" fella seems none-to-pleased to see Carter and tells our hero to shut up. Their exchange makes me think Naseri and Carter may have once been working together and Naseri betrayed the good guys. Before we can get anything more on this subject, Isaac and his crew show up and effectively cause their own brand of chaos!
"My dawgs are hongray!"
YES! I loved this action sequence-- a lot of bad guys get preemptively slain by Virginia's Finest Drug Cartel before the missiles arrive. And then the missiles do show up, and the warehouse gets demolished.

Carter, Isaac, Andy, Jadallah and even Naseri (who's like a puma, jumping and slinking through rubble!) all survive. But at least Jadallah is finally in custody! Isaac got shot in the leg, so he's not going to be running around much for the near term, but he's not going to die- not until he and Nicole advance their forbidden relationship a little further. Andy claims that the thumb drive has been destroyed but we don't really see it smashed on the ground so maybe he's just guessing. Andy may be lauded by his co-workers for being courageous but he was mostly dumb in this episode, so let's not give him that employee of the month parking spot in the front of the CTU campus just yet.

A solid episode, some great action and Carter yet again puts a lot of emotion into the story. I'm not so sure why or how Major Dad has managed to not give up any information, and maybe there's a bigger, scarier dimension to this that even Major Dad cannot accept setting off by confessing. Let's hope it gets more complicated than the current arc.

The CarterClutch™ is still MIA as well.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

UPDATE: Quick Review of This Week's 24: LEGACY Coming Soon

TUESDAY NIGHT UPDATE: I'm too tired to write the review tonight. This is becoming a dangerous new precedent...

I watched this week's episode but I haven't been able to write my review yet. I'll probably have it done Tuesday night. But in the meantime, who was that mysterious man, Naseri?





Tuesday, March 14, 2017

24: LEGACY 6:00 p.m. - 7:00 p.m. Quick Review

On a very special episode of 24: LEGACY...

But first, let's remind ourselves of how we got here:

Television has become the dominant force in storytelling over the last 15 or so years. Big name actors, writers and directors have all moved from the big screen to TV to enjoy the format's benefits-- more creative control and longer running times. In November of 2001, 24 premiered a couple of months after actual events turned our world view on its head. No longer were Americans safe from large scale attacks, and the margin for error for preventing them was practically nil.

I came late to the 24 party mostly because I didn't want to experience the show in the aftermath of so many people losing their lives. I started watching 24 in 2005, and by then the show had established itself as a phenomenon. 24 changed TV, and I believe it did so for the better. While it made efforts to avoid exploiting what many of us were feeling, the show nevertheless gave us an opportunity to explore our fears in this fictitious setting. 24 also portrayed smart, courageous characters who worked through problems as they appeared- including some morally questionable decisions too, which were thought-provoking amidst our new reality.

Last week, on 24: LEGACY, terrorists succeeded in setting off a truck bomb on the George Washington Bridge- a blast which caused a massive loss of life and damage.  As the visuals rolled across the screen, I felt a surprising lack of impact from the characters- both at CTU and among the terrorist command. I didn't realize just how flat it all felt until when we reached the end of tonight's hour. I almost forgot about the bridge attack too, and I think that's a result of the writing, acting and direction all focusing on a different story. Maybe the showrunners' old policy of avoiding things that are too real kept them from delving into the emotional impact of an attack on New York City, but I'm of the opinion that if you're going to do it, give it some prominence.

This season is the big gamble- a new hero and a new supporting cast of characters- and I think within a handful of hours, the show has succeeded in getting all of these pieces set up effectively. The bridge attack should be a pivot point-- where we see some new aspects of these characters, and move forward from their earlier arcs. Instead, we got a lot of the same stuff for Andy, Nicole/Isaac, Ingram/Smits and Locke. As for Eric Carter, we see probably his most complex mental state yet, but none of it has to do with the smoldering crater in NYC. No, Carter is freaking out over his wife and brother being held hostage by Jadallah bin-Khalid. And since that's where Carter's focused, so goes the show. We end up with an episode of ONE TREE HILL with guns.

In terms of a recap- Major Dad gets "released" so that Ingram's outsourced, enhanced interrogator (some dude named Tony Almeida) can really work over the old man and make him offer some intelligence about the bad guys. We learn in passing that Almeida had a relationship with Ingram which can only mean that Ingram is a human being, since no human can resist Almeida. Almeida's lady partner, Sidra, HAAAAATES Ingram for being a human being, and lots of glaring goes on between these ladies as poor old Major Dad (never one to witness female rivalry himself) gets various velcro straps secured about him.

Back to Carter, he manages to convince Andy to help him free Nicole and Isaac (and potentially his missing bag, the CarterClutch™) from the terrorists in exchange for Andy fixing the broken thumb drive. But what Carter and Andy really want to do is destroy the drive once they manage to liberate Carter's family. It's kind of a silly plan, slightly below the apparent IQs of these two guys, but they seem sincere in their intent to pull a fast one on the terrorists who have been ahead of them at each turn this season.

Amazingly, Carter gets bin-Khalid to release his wife and brother by threatening to shoot Andy in front of the terrorists. You'd think bin-Khalid would have a sniper take out Carter right away since he's the ONLY person who poses any threat to the bad guys' plans. Instead, he releases Carter's family and off they go into the night with Carter's Ford pickup. Now, Carter and Andy have to deliver on their end of the bargain- but wait, bin-Khalid is not an honorable fellow. We hear our Ivy-League terrorist order his goons to shoot Isaac and Nicole before they escape the premises. Oh, terrorists, you just can't bargain with them!
Don't call it a comeback! I've been here for years!
The highlight of this episode was the return of Almeida- not because he did anything spectacular, but rather Almeida seems pretty good with his life. Almeida mentions his dead wife but he doesn't lose his marbles in doing so. And his hair is absolutely magnificent- graying but luxurious! Almeida's presence is also a reminder of this show's charismatic heritage- and that's not a knock against Carter, who's been a powerful character thus far. Nevertheless, there is no substitute for the quiet power an old hand like Almeida brings to the proceedings. Tonight was a good start for the (re)resurrection of Almeida.

Monday, March 06, 2017

24: LEGACY 5:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. Quick Review

Well, that was an hour of complete mayhem!

In as much as the "Events occur in real time" can be believed, this episode pulled off about three episodes of plot, action and twists.
"These gunrunners aren't like T-Rexes, they can see you even if you're completely still."
Previously on 24: LEGACY, Eric Carter watched his brother-in-arms, Ben Grimes, take a bullet to the head from the now also-dead arms dealer, Gabriel. While CTU agents with technological expertise rifle through Gabriel's laptop, they chuckle at the guy's Amazon order history (eyedrops and 1,000-piece cat puzzles!), CTU Agent Locke starts ragging on Grimes to Carter. Come on, Locke, show some class! Carter (barely) keeps his cool and tells Locke that Grimes knowingly sacrificed himself to get to Gabriel, so you best believe in what that laptop full of Golden Girls torrented episodes will eventually yield.
"Listen, he watched JURASSIC PARK too many times and it got him killed."
Meanwhile, somewhere in suburbia, Amira(!) and her brother Khasan are finishing preparations for a terrorist attack. Papa is still tied up with duct tape (what can't you do with that stuff, right?) and the poor guy is still being ignored by his two psychotic kids. As we'll discuss later, I'm surprised that Papa isn't making a bigger effort to get himself free from his chair while his kids go off to the garage to make ammonia nitrate bombs. Maybe he thinks they'll knock off this game of "Cops and Terrorists" because millennials never actually finish what they start. I don't think they're playing around, Papa. Get out of that chair!

Back at Gabriel's treehouse of terror, the CTU Geek Squad happily informs the team that they found a ton of valuable intel, so Grimes redeemed himself in the end. I still wonder why Gabriel told Carter "I don't deal with terrorists" just before killing himself last episode. Anyway, we learn that Gabriel imported Jadallah bin-Khalid and his band of terrorists in a shipping container marked as livestock. This one's a head-scratcher because Customs usually gets antsy if you try to bring beef jerky in from another country, let alone living animals! Gabriel kept great records though- he had copies of the bad guys' fake passports, all having the same home address, which happens to be their real hideout. Huh?

Mullins tells Locke to go to the address and to bring Carter along since he's a motivated guy! Let's ignore the grand theft auto and stolen, CLASSIFIED, missile plans Carter used to get to Gabriel too. Mullins is either very smart or very dumb, but the writers seem to not care which is the case because we need to keep Carter onscreen for the action. In the car ride over to the bin-Khalid's hideout, Locke even tries to ease the earlier tension by complimenting Carter on how he cleaned his rifle. Carter, like all of us watching, basically tells Locke to shut the hell up. This undoubtedly sends Locke back to his well-worn copy of "How To Win Friends and Influence People" which he keeps in his breast pocket. I sure hope you're better at shooting bad guys, Locke.

Before the CTU tac team can make it to bin-Khalid's house, some no-good, lousy freelance journalist (a "stringer," as they call it on 24: LEGACY) publishes a TV news report showing Gabriel's place crawling with law enforcement. If you've seen the film NIGHTCRAWLER, you'll know how these folks operate- they monitor the local police band and show up to get whatever footage they can, which they later sell to a news station. Mullins and Ingram (yeah, she's still on the show!) realize that this will tip off bin-Khalid that his location has been compromised- and they're right. One of the terrorists (tired of monitoring the local police band apparently) was watching Rachael Ray peeling a mango, when the local news broke in with a SPECIAL BULLETIN about a no-name warehouse where a bunch of police cars are hanging out with their lights on. "Jadallah! Mangoes are rich in vitamins and fiber and Gabriel's house has been invaded!" The terrorists immediately close up operations and evade capture by CTU. DAMN IT!
"Billy, reach for the knife, I dare you! I double dare you!"
Adding to the list of "close but no cigar" moments of victory, Chem Teach shows up at Amira's(!) house with the final chemical mix for the bombs. He also wants to take Amira(!) away from her brother so they can "be together like we talked about." While everyone not named "Chem Teach" rolls their eyes at this sicko, he swipes Khasan's gun and shoots its owner in the gut. This allows Khasan a few minutes of painful existence in which he can tell Amira(!) to finish what he started. Amira(!) stabs Chem Teach in the back and heart with a screwdriver and swings by Papa's room to tell him "Thanks for all the fish." Papa, realizing that his terrorist kid is actually a terrorist, manages to free himself of his duct tape shackles within 30 seconds of actually trying. Oh come on with this junk! Papa gets to the garage and calls his daughter using Khasan's phone. I half expected and wholly hoped that Papa would impersonate his dead son and say "AMIRA! I was wrong to store all those bombs in the box truck you're now driving. Come home and let's eat soup with Papa!" but unfortunately Papa does the same thing that failed to work the first ten times he tried- he begs his daughter to not be a terrorist. She tells her dad that she's going through with the attack, just as she passes a sign for the George Washington Bridge. Uh oh...

Papa calls 911 and within a minute his call's transcript is sent to CTU. Okay, fine, I guess we need to remember that this is a TV show, but let's go easy on the whole "Your government and its agencies are faster than a Dunkin Donuts drive-thru" schtick. However, this leads to the single most ridiculous sequence of the season so far- Mullins calls a Port Authority officer who's stationed on the bridge's upper level. Officer Jenkins is having an iced coffee and listening to James Taylor's Greatest Hits when Mullins orders him to start walking on the bridge that is full of speeding cars so he can intercept the box truck full of explosive fertilizer. Jenkins actually does this, almost getting clipped several times along the way. But he spots the truck and immediately shoots at the driver, stopping it cold! Wow, look at Jenkins! Before Jenkins can secure the scene, Mullins excitedly calls Jenkins' cell phone to ask him how it feels to be a badass American hero. "Uhh, Mullins, I gotta check to see if the driver's really down, oh I found the trigger, it's in her dead hand, OH NO SHE'S NOT DEAD!"

And then the bomb goes off.

The explosion takes out the middle section of the bridge and many people die. I won't go into my genuine feelings on this because 24 is a fictional show and it isn't meant to be taken seriously. Let's just say that I don't derive any entertainment from seeing something like that happen.
Here's the traffic cam from Narnia or some other mythical, bullshit realm.
I will, however, mock the shit out of the traffic pattern depicted at 5:55 p.m. Here's your daily reality check: the George Washington Bridge at rush hour is its own version of hell. I drive by the bridge twice every weekday and it looks nothing like the NASCAR speedway from tonight's episode. Heck, you could do a whole episode of that box truck just trying to get past the NJ tolls! That traffic jam would have probably done more to prevent any attack than the entirety of federal/state law enforcement- just ask Chris Christie how that traffic works.

Odds and ends: Carter was without his CarterClutch™ for the second episode in a row and it's no coincidence that events are spiraling out of control.  Also, Jadallah bin-Khalid and his crew managed to kidnap Isaac and Nicole while taking out a CTU Uber vehicle and a bunch of Isaac's worst shots. Jadallah calls up Carter and says "I need tech support to fix my busted thumb drive or else your brother and wife will be forced to watch the 22 hours of Rachael Ray I have on my DVR!" "JADALLAH YOU MONSTER!"

Next week, Carter shoots Jadallah('s DVR). OH AND THE ONE TRUE SOULPATCH IS BACK!

Monday, February 27, 2017

24: LEGACY 4:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m. Quick Review

In the previous hour, Eric Carter went full-blown insubordinate teenager after CTU Director Mullins told Carter "you're grounded." With Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" blasting in his head, Carter: a) stole the plans to a anti-aircraft weapons system (CLASSIFIED), b) sprung his criminal war buddy, Grimes, out of CTU jail and c) Took dad's (Mullins') SUV out for a spin with Grimes- to go meet up with an arms dealer named Gabriel, who might have a lead on Jadalla bin Khalid's location and operations. Kids these days...

The internet made this, not me.
Before meeting up with Gabriel, Carter and Grimes stop off at a de-badged Valero gas station (I know this because I am a serious petrol shopper) so Carter can run into the mini mart to buy Grimes a shaving kit. When Carter returns to the SUV, Grimes immediately starts trimming his beard in the passenger seat. I don't know how you all live your lives, but I happen to be picky on what a passenger does in the car I'm driving. Even if it's a stolen car, I think I'd shut down Grimes' "road shave" immediately. Carter doesn't look pleased with Grimes' sudden need to groom, but I guess Carter is putting national security ahead of car etiquette.  I say that these two subjects are not mutually exclusive, dammit!

Campbell's new Terrorist Soup!
Back at Decapitation High, the Chechen Murderess (Amira!) gets picked up from the hospital by her terrorist brother, Khasan. They talk about terrorist school stuff, terrorist art class, etc. when suddenly their father (not a terrorist) surprises them with a drop-by visit. Immediately, Amira offers to make their father some food and Khasan whispers loudly to his sister "Dad can't be here, we have terrorist responsibilities!" Their father knows that his kids are up to no good, but he's also hungry, so he lets Amira make kharcho, which Wikipedia tells me is "a traditional Georgian soup originating in Mingrelia containing beef, rice, cherry plum purée and chopped English walnut (Juglans regia)." Now, not to argue with 24's writers, but kharcho is not some Lipton's instant soup, it takes HOURS to make. Why not offer to make papa some Beef Wellington or Posole Rojo? Hey kid, if you applied yourself to school half as much as you do to cooking for your dad, you'd get a scholarship to Harvard! Anyway, while the soup is cooking, Khasan starts punching their dad viciously the moment they start arguing over the merits of terrorism. I did not like watching this scene, it was sad and unnerving. I mean, how's papa gonna eat the soup with his mouth and arms all covered in duct-tape?

Speaking of fathers, Major Dad (a friend to terrorists) arrives at CTU, after Ingram tells Nilaa that she's innocent and free to go. Senator Jimmy Smits is there to observe his dad being interrogated by his wife, Major Dad's daughter-in-law. AGAIN, I want to reiterate that I am not a federal agent, I am a simple cave man who, wait that's my beloved reader Cirroc's line. My point is this- how is Ingram allowed to run this part of the investigation? And why would she want to do it? Well, maybe Mullins was busy telling Andy he's fired to bother with Major Dad. The scene devolves quickly into Smits storming into the room to yell at his dad, who's denying even knowing what a "Jabbadahutt" is or how to make kharcho from scratch, but he does opine that goose is the preferred meat base, or so he read in Cook's Country Kitchen. LIAR! YOU EAT SOUP WITH TERRORISTS! WHERE'S THE LADLE?!

Oh, and how can I forget the Nicole/Isaac dramedy! Here are the Cliff's Notes: 1) Isaac is slapping people around asking "Did you know I was gonna get whacked at the drug deal?" 2) One of Isaac's pals, Andre (who has a cataract in his left eye) tells Nicole "Isaac has had a hard time selling drugs ever since you left the neighborhood with Eric." 3) Nicole tries to get Isaac to open up about his feelings, Isaac pushes Nicole to the ground in front of the guys 4) Isaac apologizes to Nicole, Nicole softens up a little, gets in close to him like she wants to start making out and says stone-cold "Don't ever put your hands on me again."  There, you're caught up.

OOPS! Looks like the arms dealer in the middle forgot his firearm!
Mercifully, Carter and Grimes make it to the meet with Gabriel. Turns out, Grimes is in 50 boxes of ziti to Gabriel for some money Grimes lost at a heroin dealer's house-- money which should have actually gone to an arms dealer. Jeez, you can't trust a mentally unstable war vet with fifty thousand dollars anymore, can you? Gabriel shoots Grimes and then talks to Carter about the weapons plans (CLASSIFIED) that he stole. Did I also mention that Gabriel has an eye condition as well? It might have something to do with the HUGE SCAR going down Gabriel's face, over his left eye (same damaged eye as Andre, who is probably not related to Gabriel).  Carter knows we've had to endure some weird stuff in this hour and we are HUNGRY FOR ACTION! Carter grabs a gun, and calls up CTU ("Hey Mullins, I know I'm grounded but come on over so we can arrest bad guys!"). Mullins promises Carter that Locke will show up with a tac team before this episode is done, so we've been promised violence.

Before Locke and his team can get to Carter, Gabriel tries to make a run for it. Carter does something beautiful in this moment- he kills the guys who don't matter but shoots Gabriel in the leg! Why don't we see more of this in movies/TV shows? Everyone's always killing the "only lead we've got!" in the confusion of a gunfight. While I'm busy congratulating Carter for being awesome, Gabriel pulls out a knife and slits his OWN throat to prevent being captured. Note- Gabriel said to Carter "I don't deal with terrorists" beforehand, and somehow, I believe Gabriel. Whatever they manage to recover from Gabriel's computer, I think it will be about an entirely different threat.

Speaking of IT matters, Jadalla bin Khalid's people have only partially pulled some terrorist cell information- cat photos, coupon codes for Sports Authority and Radio Shack (USELESS!). One of bin Khalid's mentors jumps the gun and activates a cell instead of waiting to contact all 15 cells, as bin Khalid intended.So, bin Khalid shoots his mentor in front of the crew.  Did I mention that the activated cell is Amira's?

Next week, Amira(!) continues to have doubts but disregards them in pursuit of terrorism AND hopefully, Carter gets reunited with his CarterClutch™.
Hey mom- have you seen my bag? Did I check if I am wearing it? Uhh... Gotta go, love you, bye!