Thursday, May 31, 2007

24 News: Next Season Preview!

Amy Vernon of Remote Access has some worthwhile news on 24's next season. Check it out here!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

CTU DENVER: 9:00-10:00AM

Here's Hour 2 of our exclusive, ongoing series:

Previously on CTU Denver: Umm, read the episode!

Special Guest Star:
Ricky Schroder as Himself


Sitting along in the room is famous child-actor RICKY SCHRODER. He is worn out from an apparent beating he took when he was recently apprehended at a model train hobby shop.

AGENT MIKE DOYLE enters, showing nothing but disgust on his face. He immediately goes to choke Ricky Schroder.

Woah, woah woah! (Doyle lets go of Ricky's neck). Before we begin with you choking me, I gotta ask, does CTU always interrogate suspects this way?

I don't know what you're talking about, Schroder.

Come on, this is one trippy mind-game. You don't notice any similarities between us? Not even a little?

Honestly, I don't see anything similar between us. You and your fellow former child-actor friends are terrorists. Whatever it is you're up to, I would have nothing to do with, except of course stopping you from pulling it off.

I'm not talking about the metaphorical similarities present between the hero and villain. Geez, stop with the philosophy major, dude. I'm saying that we look EXACTLY like the same person! You look like Ricky Schroder, and that's me!

If anything, YOU look like me, Schroder. And honestly the thought of looking like a terrorist makes me sick!

Come on. I look like you? (pause) Oh, you can't be serious. What's your name?

My name is Agent Mike Doyle, I am a federal ag-

See, that right there is enough. Mike Doyle? What kind of name is that? You have limited career options with that handle. You could be either a cop or a fireman.

Those are noble professions, Schroder.

Sure, absolutely! No offense here, but you're kind of a nobody. So it is kind of ridiculous for you to say that I look like you when in reality it is YOU that look like me.

You haven't had a hit show in years, Schroder. People forgot all about you. (pause) We could do this all day long, so let's get an unbiased opinion. (to the intercom) Pressman, get in here on the double!

Ricky Schroder snorts a laugh.

DOYLE (to Ricky Schroder)
What's so funny?

"On the double?" Come on, you guys really say that stuff?

MILO PRESSMAN enters the room and suddenly stops in awe. Before Doyle can even ask the question, Milo speaks.

MILO (to Doyle)
Wow dude, you really look like Ricky Schroder!


See! I told ya so!

Doyle starts for the door.

MILO (to Doyle)
Hey! Where are you going?

DOYLE (grumbles)
To steal the boss' cake.

Doyle storms out of the room.

MILO (to Ricky Schroder)
What was that all about?

Your friend now thinks he looks like a terrorist.

So says the 40-year old guy who still plays with model trains. Oh! Busted!!!


NEXT WEEK ON CTU DENVER-- The Legion of Former Child Stars (of Doom)! And maybe I can find an excuse to include this beer-pilfering otter!

Hat tip: Riding with Rickey for finding this brilliance.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

But do they make a mini-Jack Bauer too?

If you love 24, you probably also have an appreciation for the Die Hard movies starring Bruce Willis. Well, from the land of transforming robots and Pikachu comes the next greatest thing in advancing civilization: a tiny Japanese man who looks disturbingly like Bruce Willis. And what's even better is the guy makes reenactments of famous Die Hard movie scenes. Check out the man called "PuchiBruce" (translation: Little Bruce).

From Die Hard 3:

And the final showdown from the original Die Hard:

P.S. CTU Denver's next episode is coming tomorrow!

Friday, May 25, 2007

May 25, 1977

Happy 30th Birthday.

The Lazy Sack's 24 Linkage!

Greetings, Sack Pack!

Trade secret: when a blogger throws up a few links in an article, he/she is phoning it in. That being said, here are a couple of 24-related links that I found interesting:

1) How does one educate the human weapon that is Jack Bauer? According to the Online Education Database, it required lots of book learnin'-- we're talking a few bachelor's degrees, a master's and then some SWAT training. Impressive, but way too intense for this lazy sack. And while reading the laundry list of Jack's scholastic achievements is impressive nonetheless. I personally would love to see Jack Bauer on JEOPARDY! screaming "Who do you work for?!" as the question (answer) to every single clue. Jack is smart AND crazy. And apparently Jack's education intimidates others at CTU-- remember when Mike Doyle was bragging to Nadia Yassir that he read the Upanishads back in the day?. Well, your reading days are over, Doyle, that's for certain... but I do digress.

2) Next, we have a wonderful picture. I like pictures. Do you like them too? And look, ma, I'm trademarked! Whoever made this, I thank you. UPDATE: Andy made this picture. And there are many other funny 24 motivational posters from his tainted mind!

3) Check out this great article listing Jack Bauer's gadgets-- FYI Jack's "unleashed anger" is not technically a gadget, but if you go to the Sharper Image, you can find yours after listening to a rain forest CD for more than 5 minutes. Whoever came up with that idea deserves a few good throat-punches.

That's it for now. Thank you to the readers who sent in these links. Keep 'em coming in!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

CTU Denver: 8:00-9:00AM

Before Agent Mike Doyle became a member of CTU Los Angeles, he was stationed at the agency's office in Denver, Colorado. Also at CTU Denver was Milo Pressman (deceased). What do we know so far? Doyle and Milo clashed. Also, Doyle committed acts so heinous that they could not be spoken of aloud. That's where we come in. Each week we will delve into the classified files of CTU to finally learn what happened in Denver! Here is the first installment in the series:

Special Guest Star: Jon Voight as CTU Denver Director Floyd Nichols.


AGENT MIKE DOYLE walks into the room where various other staff are seated and walking around the room, having their morning coffee. Doyle sees MILO PRESSMAN eating a slice of birthday cake while standing in front of the open refrigerator door.

Hey Pressman, you better make sure you don't get any of that cake on your new silk shirt.

MILO (dismissive)
Up yours, Doyle.

As Milo turns his back to Doyle to resume eating the cake, Doyle springs into action. Doyle throws himself at Milo, who drops the cake and the two men wrestle on the ground. The others in the room stand up and form a circle around them.

DOYLE (choking Milo)
You're not gonna get big and strong eating chocolate cake for breakfast.

MILO (rasping)
What's your problem, man?

Who's cake was that?

MILO (turning red-faced, almost passing out)
I... don't... know...

Doyle releases his grip on Milo's neck. He stands up and wipes his face with his sleeve.

Exactly my point, Pressman. That wasn't your cake, but you took it anyway. You're no better than the people who try to take our freedoms away from us. (licks frosting off his fingers) You make me sick.

Entering into the room is the Director of CTU Denver, FLOYD NICHOLS. Everyone in the room begins to disperse, fearing an eruption of anger from their boss.

What's all this?

Sir, Agent Pressman was breaking office protocol by eating a food item left in the commissary's refrigerator that was not his property. I ascertained this and immediately intervened.

Milo is still on the floor, wheezing for air. Nichols looks down and shakes his head.

NICHOLS (to Milo)
You crazy sonuvabitch, that was MY slice of cake! Get down to medical and have yourself checked out. When you're finished I need you to meet me and Agent Doyle in the conference room. (to Doyle) Come with me, there's something we need to discuss.

DOYLE (nods)

The two men exit the commissary. Milo crawls to his feet and exits after them.



Nichols and Doyle enter, with AGENT TRACEY FISHER sitting at a workstation. Doyle stands at attention.

Agent Doyle, since you've arrived here, I've never seen a more buttoned-down vibe in this place. I've tried everything to stop employees from stealing Splenda packets and playing Solitaire at their workstations. But you... you've got all of us back on track.

Sir, it's been my pleasure.

Well, we brought you in here for bigger things, and something huge is going down. I've got a flash memo coming out of Division telling me that we have an active terrorist cell operating in downtown Denver. Normally, I'd call in for additional tactical resources to handle this matter, but you've shown me something, Doyle. And this new threat is something I think you may be uniquely qualified to handle. Agent Fisher, bring up the information.

Yes, sir.

Agent Fisher activates a series of images which appear on the screen. Various photos pop up.

As you may or may not know, these are former child-stars who've appeared on various television shows in the 1970s and 80s. So far, we know that this cell consists of Gary Coleman, Emmanuel Lewis, Mindy Cohn, Kirk Cameron and their ring-leader Danny Bonaduce. They have descended upon Denver under the auspices of a TV Land convention. The NSA has intercepted communications among this group suggesting they are planning a major terrorist event.

Sir, these people make me sick. They were given fame and fortune at a young age and let it all slip through their fingers. It will be my pleasure to wipe them all out.

All in due time, Agent Doyle. We need to know what their plan is before we neutralize them. There are literally dozens of former child-stars roaming this country. Some of them are so anonymous nowadays that they completely dissolve into the background. If there is a systematic threat to this nation's interests, we need to know about it. We need to infiltrate their ranks.

Milo enters the room with his right arm in a sling. He stands a good distance away from Doyle. Nichols is surprised.

What's with the sling?

The doctors think Agent Doyle broke my arm. I have to go back later for X-Rays.

Agent Doyle was defending my cake, Milo. As far as I'm concerned, you went and got your arm broken all by yourself. Moving on, Agent Fisher, please show these gentlemen the key to our mission.

Agent Fisher punches another set of keys bringing up a dossier that makes Doyle and Milo flinch.

I take it you both recognize this person.

Milo chokes back a laugh. Doyle turns red.

DOYLE (looking down from the screen)

That's Ricky Schroder! Doyle, I never realized it, but you look just like him!

Doyle begins to quake with rage.

Knock it off, Milo. Ricky Schroder is a potential threat to our national security. Fortunately for us, we have him in custody. We picked him up last night, at a hobby train shop outside of the city.

Do you want me to interrogate him, sir?

Yes, but more importantly, I need to to assume his identity and go infiltrate the former child-star network.

Sir, there must be another way to do this, I-

Dammit, Doyle, you're going to accept the fact that you look like this kid! You're going to interrogate Schroder and then attend the TV Land convention in his place. They don't accept outsiders into their group, only failed, unemployed actors. This is the only way we can figure out their plan.

Milo starts to snicker.

And you, Pressman, are going to help! I've read your file, you are our foremost expert on 80s television, having spent the bulk of your childhood hooked up to your t.v. set. I can't depend on Doyle here to mix-in on his own because he was too busy banging cheerleaders while you were in your basement trying to picture Dana Plato nude. (Milo looks down in shame and Agent Fisher is now the one who snickers) The two of you are going to have to work together, understood?

Doyle and Milo nod in affirmation.

Good, now get moving-- the convention starts tomorrow morning!


NEXT WEEK ON CTU DENVER-- Ricky Schroder v. Mike Doyle!

Coming Soon: CTU DENVER!

The Jack Sack exclusively presents CTU's darkest chapter! Rules are broken! New dangers are discovered! And Mike Doyle's darkest secret will be revealed! Are you ready for the Mile-High Massacre?

CTU Denver starts tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Tragedy of Jack Bauer

For 6 seasons, we've been watching Jack Bauer's life get worse and worse. Starting with the death of his wife in Day one and culminating last night with his not-too-subtle contemplation of suicide, Jack Bauer is as tragic a figure as any.

What did I think of last night's finale? It was serviceable, but not awe-inspiring. It tied up most of the loose ends but left a few major ones danging for future seasons it appears. Before we get to the specifics of all of that, I have to say I am amazed that my "hopes, wishes and dreams" for the finale were all unfulfilled! That's right, I went 0-5 on the night! There was no explanation of Josh's true importance (a draft that I read, which may have been bogus in retrospect had Philip Bauer being Josh's true dad). There was NO FREAKIN' ALMEIDA, and this hurts more than words can describe. I heard no explanation about Doyle's past in Denver, and he lost his eyesight too, which was not cool. Cheng didn't die, he just made threats in that Elmer Fudd voice of his to nobody in particular after being captured. And Nadia, while in the locker room talking to Milo's creepy-ass brother, couldn't find two minutes to take a much-needed shower. Sigh.

Okay, not that all my prospects for last night's episode came up empty, what was good? I LOVED the goofy scenes with the Russians. They're the most unintentionally funny characters on the show. Here they are, "furious" about this circuit board falling into the Chinese's hands, and they are nodding along with VP Noah Daniels like everything he's saying makes sense. Like everybody is all friends, in fact! And after the oil platform is taken out, you see the Russians shrug at one another as to say "Do we not start World War Three then? Okay, let's drink!"

Also, as Bill and Jack take the chopper to save that mysteriously unimportant 16 year-old Josh Bauer, there's another classic 24 moment that I shall always cherish: Jack turns to Bill and hands him his own sack! Then Jack takes his sack out and the two renegade rogues march forth to fly on some desperate suicide mission. Cue loud synthesizer music! Aw. Yeah.

But the show's best scene, probably of the whole season in fact, came courtesy of William Devane (SecDef James Heller) yet again. Devane and Sutherland own the screenwriters. Whatever crap those drunk bastards in the Writer's Room come up with gets shined to a gleaming piece of gold by these two professional actors. But the scene with Jack and Heller was a good reality-check for the show; folks, Jack Bauer is broken. It's fun to see the guy take out 30 Chinese dudes in 2 minutes flat, but the sad fact is that he is so far down a path of psychosis that he may not ever be truly normal ever again. This is interesting material. Now, I'm not asking that there be therapy sessions with Jack and Dr. Melfi on the show, but the occasional mention of Jack's mental state lends credibility to the show. And I like the nod to the end of season 3 where after everything dies down, Jack got into his car and started crying like a deranged mess of a man. But last night, in a similar set-up, all you saw was emptiness on Jack's face. And what James Heller said to Jack about needing to be in the game is completely true. Jack is made to do this-- and for at least two more seasons, we get to watch more life and humanity get sucked out of this tragic hero.

Let's hope the next six months go by quickly.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Day 6 may be ending, but not this blog!

I give you my word, this blog WILL continue after tonight's episode! Even though Day 6 ends tonight, I want you to know that this blog will be updating regularly in the "off season." Here are a few things that you can expect to see here at The Jack Sack:

1) CTU: Denver. I'm serious here! WTF happened with Mike Doyle in Denver? If the showrunners can't come clean, I'll fill in the gaps for everyone. I am going to cast known actors in this series, and we will have weekly episodes which will (hopefully) make you laugh, cry and down shots of gin whilst sitting at your computer.

2) New "24 Picture Books!" This has been the most successful feature here at The Jack Sack, and I will add new editions utilizing past seasons for maximum comic effect. There is way too much material to work with here (anything with Kim is going to be a slam-dunk) so sit tight and prepare for some unhinged material.

3) The Jack Sack movie reviews! This being the summer movie season, I'm going to be providing some fresh movie reviews for all that enjoy visiting their local cinemas. When Day 6 ends, I will also be adding "The Jack Sack Video Recommendations" as a feature, where I introduce classic movies that will satiate your blood-lust during these next 6 months sans Bauer.

4) 24 News. I haven't done 24 news on this site this year because I didn't regularly blog on the show between Seasons 5 and 6. Now, that's going to change. The show is already rumored to be taking place in a new city (NY perhaps?) and with that will come big changes. As I come across news items, I will pass them along to you.

5) Anything else that pops into my head. While is is obviously a 24-centric blog, there are things that may come up that I want to blog about that lands outside of the show. This is my freestyle category and it will evolve as time goes on.

Well, that's it for now. After tonight's episode, expect lots of snap-judgment material from yours truly. I hope we get a good ending tonight. Thanks for checking in all season long, and keep coming back!!!

Hopes, Dreams and Wishes- DAY 6 FINALE TONIGHT!!!

Well, this has been an up and down season, I think we can all agree. There were some fantastic moments (anything with Chuck Logan), some good new supporting characters (Nadia and Tom Lennox) and we got to see The Jack Sack, albeit too breifly a few episodes ago. But now, it all comes down to tonight's 2-hour finale. Below are a couple of quick thoughts I have about tonight's show:

1) Please justify Josh's importance. Y'all have been running around, killing people and causing a lot of trouble over this whiny kid. Just come clean already and tell us why Philip Bauer would want to kidnap Josh and take him to China. Seriously, is Philip the daddy? Gross? Yes! Does it justify all of this attention spent on Josh? Double-Yes!

2) Bring Back Almeida. This isn't too difficult to pull of, is it? Don't being back Chase Edmunds or Hector Salazar... Almeida is the one "death" the writers need to undo.

3) Kill Cheng. Cheng is not so much a good villain as he is a pain in the ass. He's annoying, he makes me want to stop eating Chinese food. Cheng is a pest, a guy who takes things waaaay over the line, like a bad ex-girlfriend. Yes, a few years ago, Jack walked inside a Chinese Embassy, accidentally allowed their Consul to get shot, violating international law, etc. But since then, I think Cheng has gotten his revenge and then some. Why is Cheng being such a prick? His vendetta against Jack is weak. Cheng annoys me. Jack, kill him.

4) Have Doyle tell us what happened in Denver! All this build-up, and nobody has mentioned what Doyle did in Denver that got him in hot water. What the heck could he have possibly done in Denver? Denver!!! Now that Milo is dead, that's one less person that knows what happened... so perhaps there is something shady going on afterall... heh.

5) Give Nadia a shower scene where she smiles like she won the Mega Millions! Do I need to justify this to any of you good people?

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Jack Bauer needs to fight an alien invasion

With Day 6 coming to an end (and with not so much momentum) I am openly petitioning that Day 7 have Jack Bauer fight an alien invasion. And I want Bill Pullman (as President Whitmore) to reprise his role from ID4 for the season too. What, you think that's over the top? And Jack's daddy hooking up with some Chinese dudes to steal a computer chip and a 15 year-old boy is more realistic? Barely! Here's a clip of President Whitmore's speech from "Independence Day." Bauer v. aliens. And you can revive Almeida using an alien technology! And Randy Quaid's career too! Oh yes...

Monday, May 14, 2007

One question: WHY???

22 hours later-- all of the death, destruction and screaming comes down to the fate of some whiny white kid from the good side of the tracks. I'm honestly baffled as to why we should give a flying pancake about the fate of Joshua "Josh" Bauer. Sure, he's Jack's nephew/son and he's a lot better at handling himself than his cousin/sister Kim when a crisis comes down (he kicked Cheng in the face like a rabbit going into the stew pot!). But why are we following the fate of this walking/talking MacGuffin? The boy is all together useless as far as we know. Unless Phil Bauer stuffed the kid with diamonds back at the hotel, he has no value. If you were on the lam from every American law enforcement agency, would you weigh yourself down with some weepy, kick-happy teenage boy? What? To protect the family line? Well, Phil, if you were so worried about that, you shouldn't be killing your kids! What does a grown man want with a teenage boy?

And this brings me to the place that many of you will probably want to toss heavy objects at my head for mentioning. Well... if any of you ever watched Dateline in recent months, you'll know what I'm implying here. I'm waiting for Chris Hansen to walk through Phil's door and say "Hey there! What are you doing?" Sure, Phil will likely shoot Hansen in the face before he could read the chat logs, but the point is that if you're going to push a crappy subplot like a grandfather kidnapping his grandson, ya might as well go the distance.

The point to all of this is that I cannot see why Pappy Bauer cares so much about taking his grandson to some far off place. To protect the Bauer legacy? Is Phil the baby-daddy? Gross as that may sound, at least THAT would make some degree of sense. Indiana Jones and Henry Sr. shared that Nazi dame in The Last Crusade, so it's been known to happen before. And this would make Marilyn Bauer the show's most prolific slut of all-time. But again, we're jumping a school of sharks going into this territory. This is 24 people! Teenage boys are supposed to be WATCHING the show, not figuring into the plot in the final two hours! And don't get me started about the U.S. government doing this trade with Phil. What's next, Vice President Daniels bets the entire Federal Reserve in a game of Three-Card Monte? Friggin' absurd, I tell you.

The first 50 minutes of tonight's episode were magnificent... but this Josh thing really bugs me. Hopefully the return of Bill Buchanan and _______ will right the ship once and for all. Copy that, Mr. Surnow?


If this is true, then this season of 24 is saved!

And here's a hint for you wimps not willing to click on the link:

Wednesday, May 09, 2007


My fellow miscreants at Blogs4Bauer have anointed today, May 9, 2007, as "Jack Bauer Appreciation Day" or "JBAD" for all you cool kids. Like other holidays, there are traditions attached to JBAD, and they are as follows:

1) Give somebody your word. When Jack gives you his word, he's forging an iron-clad bond with you. When you live up to your obligations, you're inching closer to being like Jack.

2) Commandeer a vehicle. This one is always a good time. Let's say you're walking out of Dunkin' Donuts and you realize your car is on the other side of the parking lot. "DAMMIT!" you say to yourself. But right in front of you is some insurance salesman in his brand-spanking new Jeep Liberty. Perfect. Approach the man, announce yourself briefly and inform him that you are commandeering his vehicle. To help sell the urgency of this moment, mutter "I don't have time for this" to yourself, but loud enough for the person to hear. And if you have your hands free at the moment, push the person down to the ground in a firm yet gentle manner. This shows that you're all business, but you're not a sadist.

3) Whisper. Man, I gotta tell ya, when I'm sitting in my office and I hear Emily over the cubicle partition yapping away about some sort of silliness, I feel the Bauer inside me start to rage. Most people do not know how to use their voice effectively. But not Jack. Oh no, he is the master. When Jack is emphatic, he starts to express himself in an urgent yet dignified whisper. So, when you're on the phone with Jill from accounting and she's telling you there is no time in the day to get a budget estimate out on that last-minute project, you better start that whispering, pal. "Jill, if I don't get that estimate before the end of the day people are going to die, do you understand me?" Also, inform Jill that you are a federal agent, and give her your word for good measure (see #1 above).

4) Scream. So, now you've gotten the whispering in and you've drawn people into your sphere of influence. But wait, they're not moving fast enough in following your instructions. Well, that's the moment when you put aside the whispering and start screaming like your pants are on fire. Obviously, you need to start it off with "DAMMIT!" as that is what cuts through all the bullshit of the moment. From there you have to reiterate your instructions with gusto-- "DAMMIT JILL, I NEED THOSE BUDGET ESTIMATES NOW!" Sure, she'll be a little flustered, she may even cry a little, but the only thing poor Jill wants more than a Valium is to get those budget estimates done so you'll stop yelling at her.

5) Don't eat Chinese food today. This one is tough for me personally, because I could eat Chinese food everyday if... ya know, what am I saying? This one isn't that tough at all. Well, anyway, the Chinese government tortured Jack for 18 months (boo!) and they broke Audrey 's brain (yay!) but they stole a vital computer chip that has the Russians crapping their pants (boo!) but they drive American vehicles (yay!). I go back and forth on the Chinese. But because of the whole 18 months of hell that Jack had to endure, I think it makes sense to skip the spare ribs and egg rolls for at least today. Well, if you really wanted to honor Jack, you'd skip ALL food for the day, as he never gets a chance to eat. But that's for the more orthodox followers of Jack Bauer. For the rest of you people, have a taco instead.

Okay, that's JBAD in a nutshell. Now go forth and spread the goodness. With these five easy steps, Bauer will be honored properly.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The Jack Sack Recap: 2:00AM-3:00AM

Last night we got some much-needed action-- we saw some Chinese bounty hunters shoot up CTU, we had Jack shoot up some Chinese bounty hunters, and then we had the "hero" moment where that poor, dumb bastard, Milo had to man-up and protect the "confused" little Nadia Yassir from certain death.

You know, let's start with Milo's death-- I find it very funny that the Chinese guys had access to all of CTU's computers and data and they could have easily gone to any laptop and punched in "Who's in charge here?" and they would have gotten an answer. But these bounty hunters are working on a WHOLE different level. They want to weed out the heroes. That's why they didn't even bother to check who the real boss was, instead they wanted to see who had the biggest brass ones and then remove that guy from the equation. And that brutality sends a message to the rest of the hostages-- we are not beneath killing people at will. I approve of the bounty hunters' strategy for taking CTU (I know, I know, I couldn't take a candy bar hostage from a mini-mart let alone lock-down a federal outpost, but as an observer, I can appreciate a good home run, a nice basket and an awesome tactical mission).

All the while, we had Jack doing his "John McClane" bit in the dark hallways of CTU. It was good to see Jack peel off a few rounds, but his getting caught shows he has slowed down in his old age. Even last season at the airport, Jack was able to pull off some nifty kills using his Palm Treo before he finally gave himself up. And even then, Jack was making moves to secure further terrorist deaths by stating he was in a "flank-2 position." But that was last season. This season, the man is diminished. He is about to have that one psychotic break from which he can never recover. I love that they keep taking pieces out of Bauer, but maybe they should throw him a birthday party at the end of this season, complete with balloons and a large sandwich. Sandwiches always cheer me up...

And then there is that curiously evil man that Jack calls "Dad"-- Philip Bauer. Ol' Philly is up to no good again, trying to kill many good people and help the Chinese start World War Three, while kidnapping his extremely whiny grandson. I have a hard time figuring out why Gradpappy Bauer would want to drag that kid around. Did Phil stuff the kid with diamonds like a Colombian mule? Does Josh have an ability to open locks, control the weather and manipulate space-time, etc.? I hope that gets explained-- because if this is just about protecting the familial line, then that is plain stupid. And while they're at it, can they please explain a little more why Pappy Bauer is so freakin' evil? I dunno, the whole "I want to control the world because it's all screwed up anyways!" argument doesn't fly with me. They gotta try harder with that one.

Finally, there's Noah Daniels' little ex-girlfriend, Lisa. Poor Lisa got caught doing the nasty with a Russian spy. Now, Lisa has to listen to Tom Lennox (who's chillin' in a stakeout van-- and having way too much fun at that) and use her relationship with the shirtless spy to manipulate the Russians. It's convoluted but it makes sense. But what doesn't make sense is that Lisa couldn't come up with an excuse to leave the room for five minutes. All she had to say is "I gotta go drop a deuce." Who stops a woman when she says that?

Next week, more death, more spectacular screaming and shooting and lots of chaos. "24" is how I like to relax, how about you?

Monday, May 07, 2007

Google search: Nadia Yassir

I've been tracking a lot of traffic coming into The Jack Sack via web searches for "Nadia Yassir." Some searches explicity ask for Nadia Yassir (as played by Marisol Nichols) in various states of undress, while others are asking for Nadia and any variety of farm animal. Weird stuff. So, to maximize traffic I submit this post:
Nadia Yassir, Nadia Yassir, Nadia Yassir, Nadia Yassir, Nadia Yassir.
Marisol Nichols, Marisol Nichols, Marisol Nichols, Marisol Nichols... Nude Goat.

Sorry, no nude pics here, folks. Now, click the banner at the top of this page and prepare yourself for 24-humor that will make you even happier.

"Why is it Bauer can't shoot Milo or some of the girls in the office?"

CTU Softball Team manager Lou Petrocelli called it! R.I.P. Milo Pressman-- your violent death makes Edgar Stiles' look like an antacid commercial. More reaction to tonight's blockbuster episode will come tomorrow morning.

"Plop-plop, fizz-fi- oh crap"

CTU Softball update: Roger Clemens signed to CTU!

Baseball pitcher and Humvee driver Roger Clemens has signed a one-year deal to play on CTU: Los Angeles' softball team. "The Rocket" appeared on a live-feed from Division HQ yesterday afternoon announcing his signing, much to the surprise of all in attendance. Clemens' agent, Randy Hendricks detailed the historic deal to the press afterwards: "Roger will not bean any terrorists on the road, he will be allowed to visit with his family when he is not due to go into the field with any tac teams, and he will receive approximately $7 million per terrorist killed."

The Xerox Repair team was also rumored to be courting Clemens, with negotiations taking place deep into last week. Talks broke down when Clemens revealed that he has no idea how to clear a paper jam with a split-finger fastball.

Acting President Noah Daniels released a statement on Clemens' signing: "Roger Clemens is a winner and a champion, and he is someone who can be counted on to help make defeat the terrorists and any opponent in our Los Angeles Softball League."

Clemens is eighth on the career wins list with 348 and second in strikeouts with 4,604. He was 7-and-6 with a 2.30 ERA last season for Houston. He has never drilled a terrorist with a baseball that we know of, but he is going to spend the next month in training to perfect this skill before he officially joins CTU.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

CTU Softball Team Update

The following is an update on the CTU Los Angeles softball team from their manager, Lou Petrocelli:

Hey Bauer, quit f@#$ing with my team!

Two months ago, I would have bet my wife's kidneys that our team was on its way to its second annual softball league championship. We had strong pitching with that Bill Buchanan guy on the mound. And woah Nelly, did we have a power threat with Curtis Manning batting clean-up. Well, after the crap that went down today, I don't even see us finishing with a winning record. And I'm telling you, those a@#holes from the Xerox repair company don't deserve to win the league. They're a bunch of bums, I tell ya!

But how did our team go to pieces, you ask? It all began the second that scrub Jack Bauer showed up. Each time I hear this guy's name, I cringe. I've lost more top-shelf players to Bauer's antics than I care to think about. My best player ever, Tony Almeida, could have played professional ball if he wanted. With Tony, all I had to say was "knock the cover off the ball" and he'd go out there and do damage. And sure enough, two years ago when Bauer comes back from the dead, I lose Tony to the terrorists. Yeah, I hear rumors that Tony didn't really die, and that he's moonlighting in the Arizona league playing for a Pepsi Bottler squad, but dead or not, the bottom line is Tony ain't on my team no more. But that was okay, because I still had Curtis Manning. That guy was a freakin' animal with that swing of his. I remember last year when 'ol "Hot Chocolate" as we liked to call him, came out and hit us three home runs in the championship game. But then Bauer came back from the dead again, and this time he didn't just manage to get my best player killed, Jack went and shot Curtis himself!

Now I gotta use that needle-poker Rick Burke to bat clean-up and I gotta tell ya, the guy freaks me out. He mumbles to himself all day long and when he goes up to hit, he makes the bat boy crank Kenny G music out of a boombox for walk-on music. I would tell Burke to knock it off, but I'm worried I'm gonna end up in a garbage bag in little pieces. And like I said earlier, Bill Buchanan was my ace pitcher. But yet again, with Bauer back in town, Bill loses his job. I gotta talk to that Nadia chick about letting Buchanan stay on the company's team because I have no other pitching options. The other guy, Morris O'Brian, was okay (he learned how to pitch by playing cricket as a kid) but Morris took a 5/8 drill bit to his throwing shoulder! Call me crazy, but somehow I think Bauer had something to do with it.

Why is it Bauer can't shoot Milo or some of the girls in the office? Why does this guy have to come back every two years and get all of my best players killed or fired? I just don't get it. See, a long while back, Bauer was on the team and he was pretty good. Except when he made an out. He'd start screaming at the pitcher "Who do you work for?!" and he's start whaling on the bench with his bat, screaming "DAMMIT!" I'm all for intensity on the field, but Bauer took it too far. And this new kid, Mike Doyle looked good when I first saw him walk through the door, but I'm worried that he's got the same instinct to choke teammates and umpires like Bauer.

Sure, I'm competitive, but I don't ask for much. I just want players that don't keep getting killed. It drives me nuts, I tell ya. Nuts! So, Jack, if you're reading this, please stop killing my team and maybe go drop by the Xerox repair office and even out the kills with those bums. That would be a big help.

Related Post: Jack gets kicked off a non-CTU softball team